


Destiny's End

by StarryEyedExplorer



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ben Solo Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Reader, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Reader, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Virgin Ben Solo, Young Ben Solo, i make a bunch of stuff up, literally not canon whatsoever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 86,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryEyedExplorer/pseuds/StarryEyedExplorer
Summary: You and Ben Solo grew up together on Chandrila, and you were the best of friends. Eventually Ben was sent away with his Uncle to train in the ways of the Jedi, something you thought you would never be able to relate to, until the Force awoke within you as well. Reuniting at the Skywalker Jedi Temple, you and Ben picked up like you had never been apart. As you learn the ways of the Jedi with the help of Ben, you sense his inner conflict and desperately want to help him. Is the destiny that so many people sense he will fulfill inevitable? Or is there still hope for Ben Solo to remain with the light?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 60
Kudos: 52





	1. Intertwined

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Don't Leave](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562025) by [supremeleaderben](https://archiveofourown.org/users/supremeleaderben/pseuds/supremeleaderben). 



> If anyone actually stumbles across this then hi hello!
> 
> I literally have not written fic since like...middle school maybe?? So about eight years, but I promise I have gotten better (at least I would hope I have!) Basically I just really wanted to write a story about growing up with Ben Solo and training with him and helping him not become Kylo Ren to make myself happy and just kinda decided I would post it cause why not! This is purely for my own entertainment but if other people enjoy the story as well that would be cool, so I figured I'd put it out there in case.
> 
> Definitely owe the inspiration to "Don't Leave" by supremeleaderben! Just love the concept of knowing Ben while still at the temple, but overall it's gonna take a different course in terms of plot. I wanted to acknowledge the story that made me obsess over a young Ben Solo while he struggled with his demons and a reader being his source of relief kinda!

Twelve years.

It had been twelve years since you last saw Ben Solo, the boy you spent the first nine years of your life growing up alongside. Not a day had passed where you didn’t miss him, where his pale complexion and his raven hair didn’t cross your mind. You had always known Ben was different, not just because of his powers, and that he was never meant to stay on Chandrila forever. He was the son of two legendary people, after all. It was known from the time he was a toddler that he had inherited the connection to the Force which his bloodline had possessed, making it clear that he would one day become an incredibly powerful Jedi. Eventually, his parents had agreed to send him away with his uncle, Luke Skywalker, to usher in a new era of the Jedi Order at the temple Luke had created.

You, too, were Force-Sensitive, as it turned out. But this was a very recent development, as in, you didn’t even know it until a month ago. Some part of you had always known it was there, you had sometimes felt a sort of energy flowing through you, but it was foreign to you. You were not nearly as gifted as Ben, so you assumed it was nothing. That was, until one day as you were walking along the shore of the water, a rock descended from the cliff above you. Instinctively, you lifted your hands to brace the impact, but instead of colliding with your body, the rock was suspended in the air. You had seen this a number of times, when Ben would practice levitating rocks in front of you, so there was no mistaking that you were using the Force. How, you had no idea, but you knew what it was. You quickly went into the city to the home of Han and Leia and explained what had happened, knowing they would understand. You had been so close with them for so long, even after Ben’s departure. It was Han and Leia who reached out to Luke when you had decided that you wanted to embrace this newfound realization and train in the ways of the Jedi. You were 21 at this point, so it didn’t take that much thought. You lived by yourself after your father had passed a few years prior, and your mother had died much earlier in your childhood. There was nothing left for you in terms of emotional attachment, reinforcing the fact that your decision was not that hard to make. Though you loved Chandrila, you had always longed to see other star systems, to truly explore the galaxy beyond your home. With no family left on your home planet, you felt you were not tied down to staying there. Not to mention, going with Luke meant you would finally see Ben again, all these years after he had left.

You remembered the day he left like it was yesterday. You were situated far outside the capital city, relaxing in the rolling hills, looking out at the calm water tucked between the cliffs ahead of you. It was your favorite place on the planet, bringing you an immeasurable amount of peace and comfort with its serene views and natural beauty. Whenever you had the chance, you would escape to that exact spot, preferably with a book or journal if you were alone. But you were almost never alone. Ben often accompanied you to the spot on the hill, where you would talk and laugh and just enjoy each other’s presence. Both of you had been going there together since you were very young, and it served as a place to escape for both of you. You watched as Ben’s Force abilities evolved over the years, from levitating small pebbles as a child to much larger rocks which he would send flying into the water beyond. It had become obvious in the years prior to his departure how strong he had grown, even without a teacher, and it was this observation of his abilities that made you more aware that the time you had with him was fleeting.

Again, you always knew he would never stay on Chandrila forever, but you had always hoped it would be much further away, and that possibly you would be leaving with him. That day on the hill, you were lounging in the grass on your favorite blanket, journal in hand, the sense of serenity washing over you. It was a warm day, with only a slight breeze that nipped at our exposed shoulders. You sat with your long white dress cascading over your legs, swaying with the breeze as it came along. It wasn’t long before Ben came looking for you.

“Took ya long enough, Sleepyhead.” You turned and laughed as you heard him approaching, his unkempt black hair swaying with every motion. Ben had never been a morning person, so when you reached the hill early that morning, you knew not to expect him for a few hours.

“Yeah, yeah, okay, Ace.” A smile tugged at the corner of Ben’s mouth as he sat down next to you on the blanket. You earned the name Ace when Han took you both under his wing and taught you how to fly. You were a natural, and Ben was always secretly a little envious of you for that, considering his father was Han Solo and everything. He was skilled too, of course, but the way you took to flying so quickly had simply amazed both his father and him.

His gaze lingered on you for a moment before turning toward the view of the water. He rested his right arm on his bent knee, letting his other leg extend into the grass. You sensed something was off, a sort of unease and sadness. He didn’t need to speak or even look at you for you to know how he was feeling, a perk of growing up with him. You two were practically bound at the hip, knowing almost too much about each other.

“Sorry I’m late,” he started, shifting his eyes your way, locking his brown eyes with your own. “It was a long morning…” he shuffled uncomfortably on the blanket.

“Ben,” your smile dissipated into a concerned expression. “What’s wrong?” You dropped the journal and pen that were in your hands into the bag at your side. You had seen him on edge before, experienced almost every emotion he had in him, but something was unique about today. Never have you seen this immense amount of pain in his eyes before now.

His eyes dropped to the ground and you saw something shiny on his face. A single tear rolled down his cheek and you watched it fall onto the blanket, almost in slow motion as your mind ran wild with thoughts of what could have possibly happened. You were snapped out of your reeling mind as Ben threw himself onto you, wrapping his arms tightly around your body. Responding to his motion you let your arms fall around his shoulders as he pressed his head into your neck.

He mumbled your name into your neck and slowly lifted his head away in order to meet your face. His eyes darted all over your face, his lip with a slight quiver. He parted his lips to speak, and as the two words left his mouth, you felt your world come crashing down.

“I’m leaving.”

There it was. The day you had been dreading, it had finally come. This was so much sooner than you had anticipated, considering Ben was only 10 years old. You thought that you wouldn't have to say goodbye until he was at least 18, and even then you had hoped it would be longer than that.

“W-what?” You stuttered. “Where are you going? Why now? Is something wrong, what can I-” 

“With Luke.” He stopped you amidst your onslaught of questions. “Luke is taking me with him, he’s going to be my Master and teach me the ways of the Jedi. He’s starting a new temple, basically, in hopes of resurrecting the Jedi Order, and I’m going to be one of his students.” Ben let his eyes fall to look at the ground again. You took his hand in yours, tears beginning to well in your eyes, doing everything in your power not to let them come pouring down. You had to be strong for Ben, he was the one who was leaving, after all. He had to leave this beautiful planet, and all of the people he loved. You squeezed his hand in order to get his attention, and he slowly raised his head to look at you. 

You felt your breath hitch in your throat. His deep brown eyes were littered with gold flecks, and you felt his eyes on yours, the intensity of his stare was palpable. For a moment, you felt as though you could hear his thoughts, almost like you could see what was going on inside of his head. This was a feeling you had never experienced, but you dismissed it, assuming it was just a result of the realization that your best friend was leaving. 

You threw on a timid smile, masking the sadness you were feeling. Even though his sudden departure brought you immense pain, you were also happy for him, happy that he was going to be able to become a true Jedi and practice under Luke Skywalker. 

“Ben, this isn’t goodbye, I know we’ll see each other again. I don’t care how long it takes, one day down the road, we’ll meet again. You’ll be this powerful Jedi and I’ll be… well who cares what I’ll be,” you let out a small laugh, knowing full well that you would never be even remotely important compared to the person Ben was destined to become. “The point is, I’m never going to forget you. Ever. You will always have me in your life, I promise.” You smiled once more, and you felt a small bit of relief. You knew you would never forget Ben, and that he would never forget you. You couldn’t exactly explain it, but it had always felt as though your lives were somehow intertwined, that both of your futures somehow correlated to the other. 

Ben reached again to embrace you, squeezing you so tightly you felt the air constrict in your lungs, but you didn’t care. You felt so safe in his arms, and you wanted to remember this feeling for as long as you could. 

“I will never forget you,” he finally said, releasing the pressure from around your body slightly. You felt his body relax and he let your name roll off of his tongue. “No matter what, you’ll always be with me.”

You spent the rest of the day helping Ben pack and prepare to leave. He didn’t need to bring much, so you helped him fold up his clothes and the few belongings he wanted to bring with him. You remained relatively silent, knowing that talking would only make it harder. You were with him as he said his goodbyes to Han and Leia, whom, he had told you, were the ones encouraging him to go with his Uncle Luke. You walked with him to Luke’s ship and greeted Master Skywalker. Luke boarded the ship and Ben stood at the base of the ramp, hesitating to go up and follow him.

“Wait-” He turned on his heels and grabbed your arm. “I want you to have this,” He reached for your hand and dropped something into your palm. At first it appeared to be just a small rock, but all of a sudden a light burst out of it. As you focused on it you saw it was some type of geode or crystal. You turned it over a few times in your hand, watching as it morphed from a dull grey hue to suddenly being illuminated with a beautiful purple color, emitting a surreal aura around it.

“I've never seen it do that,” Ben finally spoke after releasing your arm. “It was grey when I found it, but it just had this sort of power I could sense, I guess. I was gonna, I don’t know, make it into something a little nicer, like jewelry or something, but I guess I didn’t have the ti-”

“I love it.” You cut him off. You really did love it, and it was the perfect thing to remind you of Ben. You stepped forward and planted a kiss on his cheek, watching his skin turn a deep red color as a grin crept onto his face, his hand ruffling the hair on the back of his head.

You waved goodbye as he finally waltzed up the ramp and turned to look out one last time, taking in the surroundings of his home.

That was the last memory you had of Ben Solo, and nothing could prepare you for the feeling you had when you finally saw him again, all those years later.

“Took ya long enough, Ace.”


	2. A Fateful Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally reach the Jedi Temple and see Ben after twelve years. Some things feel the same, but others are definitely different.

You had just descended the ramp of Master Skywalker’s ship when you heard the deep voice greet you. As you lifted your gaze off of the metal ramp, your eyes met with a tall man. A tall, rugged looking man with that oh-so-familiar jet black hair and soft smile.

“Ben!” You dropped your bag and sprinted towards him. You didn’t even attempt to contain your excitement as you accosted him, jumping onto him. He, however, was not prepared for your surprise attack and you both tumbled onto the ground, and he let out a hearty laugh. You rolled off of him, dusting off your clothes as he stood up and offered you a hand.

“Sorry...” You muttered as he pulled you up from the dirt, totally red in the face. “Tackling you was not my intention,” You laughed as you situated yourself in front of him.

You hadn’t even taken the time to really look at him due to your sporadic decision to pounce on him. He was extremely tall, his features sharp, and he had a very muscular build. The last time you had seen him he was a child, and now, at 23, he was really a man. He had even more freckles dotting his face than you remembered, but he still had that same soft, welcoming smile and those soulful brown eyes with flecks of gold that looked like stars.

It seemed as though Ben was doing the same thing as you, drinking in your appearance as he gazed upon you. You hadn’t really grown that much physically, per se, especially in comparison to him, but you definitely looked more mature than the last time he saw you. His eyes lingered on your chest, where the crystal he had given you, which you had fashioned into a necklace, now rested.

“Well, you’ve certainly grown,” He said, and you noticed his voice was much deeper which, of course, made sense. There was a silkiness to his words, and you couldn’t help but feel slightly shy, especially now as more and more of the other students noticed your arrival. You wondered if they had seen how you jumped on Ben, hoping they weren’t silently judging you as they shuffled past.

 _Don’t Worry,_ you heard in your mind. Was that… your own thoughts? No, no, the voice was too different from your own. Then, you realized who it had to be.

“Wait, you can do that? You can… hear me, and speak to me in my head?” You were bewildered, and embarrassed, hoping he hadn’t heard the way your mind was describing his appearance a few moments ago.

Ben curved his lips into a slight smile. “Yes, one of the many benefits of being a Jedi. You can do it too, you just have to practice. But don’t worry, I’ll help you.”

“I hate to interrupt this reunion,” Master Skywalker walked up to you both, situating himself next to you. He was holding your bag and outstretched his hand to give it to you. “But I believe this belongs to you,” there was a slight edge to his tone, a hint of distaste almost. You grabbed the bag from him and let out a nervous laugh.

“Thank you, Master.” The embarrassment you were feeling before was now amplified, and your cheeks were again tinted with a rosy color. You shimmied the bag up onto your shoulder and let your head fall down to face the ground in hopes of hiding your humiliation.

Luke shifted his attention to Ben, and you felt a moment of relief to have the focus drawn away from you. “I understand you two have a lot to catch up on, so I will allow you to abstain from the remainder of your lessons for today in order to show her around and get her acclimated to the rules,” he said, gesturing towards you. “Show her to the empty hut next to yours. I will see you both tomorrow morning.” Ben nodded at the instructions and Luke glanced at you one more time, before turning and walking down the path to the left towards the temple.

“I don’t think Master Skywalker likes me very much,” You said, releasing an exasperated sigh as you looked up at Ben and moved to walk next to him. He gave your shoulder an encouraging nudge as you turned to the right and started down the trail towards the huts.

“That’s just how he is. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Besides, once he gets to know you, I’m sure he’s gonna love you.” Ben flashed a smile your way and you felt a little bit better. There was something about the way Ben looked at you that always made you feel secure, and you were too distracted by how happy you were to see him to let the exchange with Luke linger in your mind for much longer.

Ben walked you along the trail of huts, stopping at the last one. The huts were quaint, wooden structures, all identical in shape and size. There was a weathered look to the wood, but it felt smooth to the touch. Ben dipped in through the doorway and you followed closely behind. Upon entering your hut, you took in the scene of your new home. It wasn’t much, but there was an undeniable cozy atmosphere to it. There was a small bed in the corner, accompanied by a tiny bedside table. A chest sat at the end of the bed, and on it was a set of robes.

“You won’t get to wear those just yet,” Ben motioned to the robes. “But soon enough, especially since you have me helping you,” Ben walked over to the bed and promptly plopped down on the edge. You still couldn’t get over how much he had grown, how different he looked. You knew it made sense, considering he went from being a little boy to an adult over the past twelve years, but there was something about the way he looked now that made your stomach flutter. He was so… handsome. Growing up, you had developed a small crush on him, but he was your best friend, and you were just children at the time. You blushed at the thought, instantly remembering that he had the ability to read your thoughts and you quickly pushed your thinking to the back of your mind. You walked over to the bed and threw your bag down next to him, ready to start unpacking your belongings.

“I’m looking forward to having such a great tutor,” you said as you began unbuckling your bag. At the top was a set of journals, which you placed on the bedside table, along with a few pens and pencils which you laid on top of them. You emptied the clothes you brought along into the chest at the foot of your bed, tossing the empty bag on top as you closed it. All unpacked, you grabbed a seat next to Ben on your bed.

“So are you gonna show me around or what?” You gave Ben a light jab with your elbow, itching to explore your new home. You had only ever left Chandrila a few times, but that was when you were learning how to fly with Ben and Han. You never actually landed anywhere, so this was the first planet outside of your home that you had set foot on. Ben shot you a sly smile and went to stand up.

“Alright, let’s get going then.” You followed suit and rose off of the bed, but as soon as you were standing, Ben pulled you tightly into his chest in a warm hug. “I really have missed you, Ace…” He muttered as his head rested on top of yours. “A lot has been going on for me, especially recently, and all I’ve wanted was to be able to talk to you, the way we used to.” You could hear a slight tremble in his voice so you ducked your head out from under his to peer up at his face. You immediately noticed the bags under his eyes and overall somber expression. You tucked your head back under his for one more squeeze before he released you from his solid embrace.

“Well, I’m here now.” You offered him a smile, and you could sense a relaxation in his demeanor. “I wanna hear all about it, but maybe you can help me figure out where all my lessons are gonna be while we talk.” You slipped your hand into his, wishing you could just absorb all of the anxiety he was emitting. You would do anything to make him feel better, to make him feel at peace.

“Thank you,” He replied, almost a whisper. He pulled you towards the door, preparing to give you the tour of your new life.

* * *

“And finally, this is where we get our _food_ ,” Ben made a mocking tone of the last word, clearly indicating that the meals you were going to eat were not like the ones you were accustomed to back home. The sun had just begun its descent from the sky as the two of you were positioned outside of the mess hall, if you could even call it that. It was very small and the options were clearly limited, but you figured you would get by. Noticing the time of day, Ben quickly looked at you and there was a sense of urgency in the way he moved.

“There’s something I wanna show you but we have to hurry!” He latched onto your arm as he led you off the path and into the grassy area next to the building. You were practically lifted off your feet as Ben ran, dragging you along with him. Ben suddenly halted, shimmied his bag up on his arm and abruptly picked you up in his arms, slinging you over his shoulder.

“Ben! What are you-”

“Close your eyes.” His voice was steady, but soft. He could feel the sudden shock in your body. “Just trust me. Close your eyes.”

You did as he asked, your body somewhat flailing as Ben carried you along for another few minutes. Finally, he guided you down off of his body and you felt your feet hit the ground. He turned your body with his hands, and you felt him drift his right hand down to the small of your back as he stepped next to you. You felt his lips flutter against your ear, softly whispering a command, “now, open.”

You let your eyes gradually open, wiping at them with your hand as they adjusted to the view ahead of you. You were on top of a grassy hill, dotted with small white flowers, but it wasn’t the ground that had your jaw drop in amazement. As you looked out in front of you, the beauty was almost too much. You watched as the sun dipped out of sight and the orange sky was now dotted with waves of magenta and lavender. “This… wow,” You couldn’t even formulate a whole thought. This was easily one of the most impressive things you had ever seen, the forces of nature working together in such harmony that it was as if the sky was a canvas and there was someone with a paintbrush letting strokes of color blend into each other effortlessly, creating a melodic image of bliss. Ben spoke, interrupting the state of awe you were currently in.

“I’ve been coming up to this spot since I first got here.” Ben slowly removed his hand from your back. You had completely forgotten it was even there since you were in such a trance. He sank to the ground and laid down on his back, his fingers interlaced behind his head as he stared up at the sky above you. You dropped down to imitate his position, laying down next to him, clasping your hands together on top of your chest. “It always felt like a little piece of home, ya know? It reminded me about that hill we always sat on growing up, and that was a feeling I never wanted to lose. I come here whenever I feel upset or lonely, it just brings me so much peace of mind…” He trailed off and you noticed he had released one of his hands from behind his head to rest at his side.

You slowly let one of your hands fall from your chest and slid it to meet his, gently placing it on top. His hand initially tensed up under yours, but then it relaxed, sinking into the grass between your two bodies. You sat and soaked in the feeling of being in Ben’s presence and thought about how much you had missed that very sensation. Being back with him, it made it feel as if nothing in the world could ever harm you ever again. It felt as though life was falling into place, that simply being near him was the purpose to your existence. But as you laid there drifting into a state of content, you remembered that the pain was still very much present, for one of you.

“You don’t have to tell me about it, if you don’t want to,” You hadn’t forgotten about what he said in your hut earlier that day, about how things haven’t been going well recently, and the image of his sleepless, downtrodden face flashed into your memory. A sudden wave of guilt washed over you, because while thoughts of how happy you felt danced through your mind, you were too oblivious to realize that the energy was not the same for Ben. But, at the same time, you didn’t want to force him to disclose what seemed like some pretty heavy information if he wasn’t willing to do so.

“No, I want to.” He spoke plainly and turned his head towards you. You met his gaze and noticed the corner of his mouth had turned up slightly into a soft smile. “I’ve been having nightmares.” Just as quickly as his mouth had turned into a smile, it now dropped into a subtle frown. “And not just typical nightmare stuff. Like, really specific images and voices speaking to me, beckoning me to submit to the Dark side. I’ve been having them since I was little, that’s why my mother was so eager to send me with Luke at such a young age, but they were never this bad.” He stopped and let out a sigh. You were about to jump in to console him but he continued, “I can’t really talk to Luke about it, cause he thinks he’s some savior and that he’s the reason I’m still connected to the Light side, and if he knew about the nightmares, I…I don’t know what he’d do.” The concern in Ben’s voice was apparent, he was genuinely scared for his life.

You could feel his pain and anguish as if it were your own, knowing that the torment was ripping him apart inside. You couldn’t imagine how he was handling this all by himself, with no one there to offer him any sort of guidance or comfort as he dealt with this turmoil in his own mind.

“But then you came,” He broke the thick silence that had enveloped the two of you as you processed what he was feeling. What did you coming to the temple have to do with this? Surely you didn’t have that much of an impact on the inner machinations of his mind, a mind which was being pulled apart by the Light and Dark sides of the Force. You hadn’t even seen him for over a decade, there was no way your presence had actually changed anything inside of him.

“But it does.” He spoke, answering your thoughts. You were still getting used to the whole mind reading thing honestly. “You being here, it’s already helping me, somehow. I’m not sure why, but it just is,” Ben propped himself up on his forearms, while you shifted yourself up into a seated position and faced him. Your right hand instinctively wandered up to your necklace and you rolled the stone around in your hand. It was a habit you could never shake. Whenever you felt unsure of yourself, whenever you felt immense grief, you would close your hand around that luminous purple stone, and it never failed to bring you comfort. Your hands were already unlatching the hook on the back before you had processed what you were doing.

“Ben,” You collected the necklace and held it out to him. “Here,” He worked himself off his arms into a seated position directly across from you and you dropped the necklace in his lap The familiar violet hue somewhat dissipated when it left your hand, which was strange.

His brows furrowed as he stared at the stone in his lap. He took it in his grasp and studied it closely, rolling it around between his fingers. “I can’t take this,” he finally said. “I gave this to you for a reason, I wanted you to have it, to remind you of me.”

“But I don’t need a reminder anymore,” You reached out your hand to rest it on his knee. “I’m here now, like you said. I don’t need a rock to remember you. I never needed it to remember you, I could never forget you, Ben Solo.” You felt a tear escape your eye, quickly wiping it away in a desperate attempt to hide your emotions from him. You didn’t want him to see you like this, you wanted to be strong for him, to be able to help him through his pain. You swiftly returned your hand to his knee and gave it a light squeeze.

“This necklace, well, the stone at least, has gotten me through a lot. It gave me a sort of push any time I felt dark or unhappy, because I knew you always hated seeing me upset.” You offered a light laugh, and you managed to get a smile from him. “So, now it's your turn to benefit from it. Try it tonight, if you have a nightmare,” Ben looked skeptical at the last sentence you spoke. “Look, I know it sounds stupid, okay, but please,” You looked deeply into his brown eyes, pleading with him through your expression. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Yes, of course I do,” You held each other’s gaze for what felt like hours, before Ben finally broke it as he gathered his things. “We should probably go back to the huts. Early morning tomorrow,” He took your hand in his and helped you up, pulling you in for a quick hug before you both began your descent down the hill and onto the path that would lead you back to the huts.

Upon returning to the temple area, Ben walked you to your hut. Just before you entered, you turned and pushed his long black hair out of his eyes, and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. You let the warmth of his skin on your lips engulf your body, surrendering yourself to the feeling of comfort he brought you.

“Goodnight, Sleepyhead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and all the kind comments on the first chapter!! hope you enjoyed this one. It's gonna start picking up plot and angst wise soon don't worry...just wanted to establish a bit of story first before diving too deep into the emotions and such. <3


	3. The Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first day of lessons at the Temple. You learn that you and Ben share a unique Bond, but Master Skywalker has words of caution that leave you conflicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW; mentions of anxiety

_Come outside_. 

You heard the voice inside your head coax you out of your sleep, blinking your eyes as you adjusted to the harsh sunlight creeping in through a sliver in your door. You groaned as you stretched out your limbs and let out a huge yawn. Throwing your legs over the side of the bed, you begrudgingly got ready for the day. Usually you loved mornings, waking up early to go for walks outside of the city, but adjusting to your new life was apparently not as easy as you had anticipated. You had slept for at most three hours, because every time you drifted off, some inexplicable feeling jolted you awake. You dragged a brush through your hair and tied it up in a long braid. Finally, you slipped on your shoes and grabbed your bag that you left on the chest at the foot of your bed. Right as you reached to push open the door, it swung open and you were met with a rather perky looking Ben.

“Who’s the Sleepyhead now, huh?” He couldn’t help but laugh as you shot him a sarcastic glare and shut the door behind you.

“Very funny,” You snapped back, throwing a soft punch at his shoulder. You noticed the bags under his eyes weren’t nearly as pronounced as they had been yesterday, and he seemed pretty upbeat for someone who’s been having nightmares. Maybe he just didn’t have any last night?

“I had one,” He answered your thoughts. You and Ben had started down the path on the way to the mess hall to grab something to eat before your first lesson of the day. “But it wasn’t as bad as usual. In fact, it went away pretty quickly and I actually managed to sleep for once.” 

You shuffled uncomfortably next to him, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty for making him think about it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up,” You looked up to him, his gaze set firmly ahead of him. He didn’t seem that bothered by it, which took you by surprise. He tilted his face down to meet yours, his skin almost glowing in the early morning sun.

“You didn’t. I was the one being nosy, looking into your thoughts,” He shot you a snarky smile. He did have a point, considering you couldn’t even control what he heard when he chose to peer into your mind.

“True,” you smiled back at him. “I guess you are a bit rude, looking into my thoughts every chance you get,” your comment draped with a heavy layer of sarcasm. It was fun to mess with him, a welcome change in mood in comparison to the night before.

“Okay, okay, but you are gonna have to learn how to control your thoughts. And like I said, I’ll help you with that, and teach you how to tap into the bond we have - ”

“Bond? What bond?” You didn’t even wait for him to breath after saying it. A bond between the two of you? You had always assumed the connection you had with Ben was simply due to the close proximity in which you grew up, not that there was some mystical bond linking your minds. He knew he had to explain when he saw the inquisitive expression on your face as you peered up at him with your eyes wide.

“I’ll explain it later, I promise. For now you need to focus on the day ahead of you, alright?” 

You groaned, but nodded your head. Now you were gonna be stuck thinking about it in the back of your mind for the entire day, but he was right in saying you would need to focus on your first day of lessons. You pushed down the rising levels of anxiety that were starting to surface, doing your best to remain positive and not worry about what was in store for you today. 

The two of you finally reached the mess hall, and Ben motioned for you to sit down at one of the tables. He went to go grab food from the line while you nervously shuffled through the room, feeling eyes burning holes in your skin. You kept your eyes averted from the gazes of the other students as you made your way to a table in the corner.

 _Why is everybody looking at me?_ You wondered to yourself. How could you not feel on edge when you could see clusters of other students turning their heads to look at you before turning back to their food and friends? Were they all talking about you? Your stomach was doing flips, the suppressed anxiety itching to creep its way back into your consciousness, so you quickly scanned the room for Ben, hoping he would be on his way. 

He was making his way towards you with a tray in his hands. You then realized that the stares from the other students were no longer analyzing you, but they had shifted to Ben. He looked so blissfully unaware, his eyes locked on you the whole time as he maneuvered his way through the tables. Finally, he sat down across from you, and positioned the tray of food between the two of you.

“You’ll get used to it.” Ben reached onto the tray for one of the pieces of fruit he had gotten, his voice sounding bored.  
“But, why were they staring at me? They don’t even know me,” Just then, you heard some whispered giggles coming from your right, and you turned, shooting a glare at the group of girls at the table a few over from yours. They abruptly turned away from you, the laughing had subsided. You felt Ben grab your left hand which you had balled into a fist on the table, pleading with his body for you to relax. Slowly, your hand uncurled and you turned your attention back to Ben.

He let out a sigh. “They’re staring at you because of me. I haven’t exactly told you the whole truth about how much my nightmares have been affecting me,” His voice was low, barely audible, and his head hung low, facing the food in front of you. You craned your neck and squinted, what was he not telling you?

“I may or may not have broken some stuff...set some stuff on fire...argued with Luke in front of everyone…” He stopped and lifted his head to meet your gaze. “Even though he doesn’t know how bad the nightmares have gotten, he’s not oblivious to the fact that I’ve been struggling with this for a while. I just know the voices and the visions would send him over the edge and he would never trust me again. So, basically, all the other students are scared of me because they think I’m already a lost cause and that I submitted to the darkness,” As he finished speaking, he fiddled with a piece of bread in his hand before aggressively ripping off a bit of the end and stuffing it into his mouth.

“Who cares what they think,” You waved your arms around you, gesturing to the other students in the mess hall. “They don’t know the first thing about you, Ben. I know you. I know that the light inside of you is stronger than anything else.” Your eyes connected with his, forcing him to see how much you truly believed in him. 

“Thank you,” He offered a soft smile in return. “It’s just been so hard for so long, and I’ve never had anyone to talk to about it…” He glanced around the room at the students surrounding the two of you. 

You were no stranger to that feeling. After Ben left Chandrila, you didn’t have any other friends. Always the outcasts, the other children in the city never took the time to get to know either of you, not that you cared anyway. You had each other and that was enough.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Ben? You have me now. And I’m not going anywhere,” You watched as his subtle smile got wider and you saw the full tooth-bearing grin you loved. You smiled back and then lifted one of the pieces of fruit to your mouth, taking a few bites. The two of you finished your breakfast, if that’s what you could even call it, and made your way to the exit. Walking through the sea of students this time, you held your head high. You didn’t care what they thought about you or Ben, their opinions didn’t matter to you whatsoever.

You followed Ben as he led you out of the mess hall and onto the path to the left. The first lesson of the day was meditation, which you had hoped would help quell the incessant nagging of your anxiety nipping at your mind. The reasons for your nervousness wasn’t because of the classes themselves, but seeing Master Skywalker after your not-so-great first impression yesterday. Just as you were letting yourself be swallowed by your negative emotions, a memory flashed across your eyes. 

_"I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Besides, once he gets to know you, I’m sure he’s gonna love you."_

Remembering those words Ben said to you, you felt your body release the pent up tension and you let out a deep breath. _I’m fine. I’ll be fine._ You kept reminding yourself silently in your head, and you knew Ben could hear you when he grabbed your hand in his and gave it a subtle squeeze, easing your thoughts and helping you focus on the positive.

Upon reaching the meditation area, you saw mats set up across the dirt floor. Ben guided you to the back left corner and took his position, sitting cross legged on the tan linen beneath his body. You imitated him, sitting on the one next to him, letting your hands fall to rest on top of your knees. No one else was there yet, but within the next few minutes the students began filing in. Finally, Luke emerged from the opening in the massive tent and made his way to the front of the group. Luke sat on his mat in the front and closed his eyes, not a word coming from him.

The room was dead silent. 

_Am I supposed to be doing something right now?_ You thought to yourself, and sneakily glanced at Ben, who’s eyes were shut tight, his chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm. 

_Okay...guess I’ll do that too,_ and with that you shut your eyes. Silencing your mind was nearly impossible at first. How could you clear your head when there were so many things running around up there? _Is Master Skywalker watching me? Am I doing this right? Wait a minute what about that Bond thing Ben mentioned earlier what the hell was that all about?_

_Hey._

Your body jumped a little when you hear Ben’s familiar voice in your head.

_Just relax. Let your thoughts float away. Remain here and now, focus on your breathing._

You let out a silent scoff. He really could have told me that before, but whatever. Doing as Ben had instructed, you inhaled through your nose and exhaled through your mouth, creating a steady pattern of breathing on which for you to focus. The business of your mind started to simmer, loud thoughts that were once buzzing slowly fading from your consciousness.

It took you some time to fully suspend your thoughts, but once you did, time passed quickly. Eyes still closed, you felt a hand on your shoulder. Slowly, your eyelids fluttered open and you looked above you to see Ben.

“Ready for combat training?”

* * *

_Oof._ Your butt hit the ground with a thud. Ben was absolutely kicking your ass, to nobody’s surprise. He was clearly taking immense amusement out of watching you throw yourself at him time and time again, only to be knocked down in one swift motion. You dusted yourself off and grabbed your staff from the ground.

“I mean, I always knew I was tougher than you, but this is just sad,” He laughed as you re positioned yourself in front of him. The two of you had always been insanely competitive, whether it was in a game of holochess, flight lessons or any other activity in which you pitted yourself against the other.

“You’re like a giant! This is hardly a fair fight, I look like I’m the size of a freaking Porg next to you,” His laughs only got louder, and your irritation bubbled.

_Fine. If he’s gonna use an unfair advantage, I’m gonna use mine._

Your face dropped into a pathetic expression as you pleaded with him to help you get better at fighting. “Ben, please, I’m just so bad at this. I could really use some coaching.” Puppy dog eyes, pouty mouth, all the essentials. Ben lowered his staff and slowly walked over to you, prepared to give you some tips, you were sure. You kept your staff gripped tightly in your right hand, doing your best to make yourself look innocent.

“Okay, okay, fine. Combat training is difficult, so I’ll - UGH!” While maintaining eye contact with him, you had swung your stuff upwards into his crotch. Ben fell forward, rolling around on the ground in the fetal position. Admittedly, you didn’t actually mean to swing that hard, but because you needed to keep your eyes on him you couldn’t tell how long it would take for the staff to connect with his body, so you just let it rip.

“Oh my, sorry, Ben, I didn’t -” He waved his open hand to get you to stop talking, but he was still scrambling to compose himself. After another minute of him rolling around like a baby, he finally stood back up, very slowly, but he didn’t look mad at all. There was another look on his face, though. He looked… mischievous? 

“Oh no, don’t worry about it,” He said jokingly. “Just know that I’m gonna have to repay you for that later,” Ben shot you a wicked smile, one of his eyebrows raised to indicate he was already planning some way to get you back. Great. 

As you were laughing nervously at the thought of how Ben would try to get back at you for the little stunt you pulled, you felt the presence of somebody approaching the two of you. Turning on your heels, you were now facing Luke.

“Hi, Master Skywalker,” The timidness in your voice was hard to mask, especially considering the timing of his appearance. His eyes weren’t focused on you, but rather on Ben.

“Master,” You heard Ben speak from behind you, clearly much more composed now.

“Ben, may I have a moment with your new friend, please?” Still with his eyes on Ben, Luke spoke calmly. The sternness in his voice made your stomach start acting up. Why does he want to talk to you alone, did you do something wrong already? It’s only the first day there’s no way…

“Of course, Master. I’ll see you at dinner, Ace.” Ben gave you a rough pat on the shoulder and you watched him as he walked away. He turned around briefly and winked at you. That was new. You shifted your gaze back to Luke, whose stoic expression was incredibly difficult to read. 

“We need to talk about you and Ben,” He stood with his arms crossed, still no change in emotion.

“Yes, Master. What about us?” You were genuinely perplexed by the topic. It’s not like you and Ben have done anything wrong, at least in your mind. Maybe he was mad about you hitting Ben the way you had, or- 

“Your bond. It concerns me,” Your eyes widened and your mouth made a small “o” shape. Here we go again with this damn “bond” thing. Now you really wish Ben had told you more about it so you’d be prepared for this conversation with Luke.  
“I don’t even really know what it is, Master. Ben mentioned it to me but I don’t even understand what it means,” That wasn’t a total lie. You knew that the bond probably had to be the reason for him being able to read your thoughts so easily, and it was probably the reason for the unspoken connection the two of you always had, but Luke didn’t need to know that. So, playing dumb to get more information was your best bet.

“I’ve sensed the Force Bond between the two of you and it is… very strong. Force Bonds have notoriously been used for manipulation by the Dark Side in order to seduce force users to join them, so I’m sure I don’t need to explain why that concerns me in the case of my nephew,” Luke’s voice was no longer even, in fact he sounded angry. “Force Bonds are not the typical bond between fellow force users. They are a more powerful and influential form of connection, especially when those in the bond are strong Force users. It is no secret that Ben is incredibly strong with the Force, and I have sensed your power as well. So much as giving into the powers of the Force Bond puts you both in danger of falling even further. I assure you, I will not hesitate to protect this new Order should either of you jeopardize the safety of the Jedi.”

You were speechless. Was he… threatening you? You had known about your abilities for a week or two at most, and all of a sudden he was saying he could sense you would be a powerful Jedi? Also, why wasn’t he telling Ben this too?

“I- I don’t know what you want me to do, Master. I have no intention of letting either myself or Ben be corrupted by the Dark Side, I promise you.”

“I just wanted you to be aware of the situation you are in. And if you know anything regarding yourself or Ben in terms of connections outside of your Force Bond, specifically with any, shall we say, communication, then I advise you to let me know immediately. Do not try to handle things yourself, it will only make things worse. You can’t protect him from everything”

So that’s why he didn’t tell Ben. He wanted you to be an informant, basically. But you could never do that to Ben. Uncomfortable with how this information sat with you, you feigned compliance with what Luke was asking you to do.

“Very well, Master Skywalker. I will keep you updated if anything happens.”

He nodded his head and swiftly walked away, his robes fluttering behind him. You knew you had to tell Ben, even if it was going directly against what Luke had asked of you. As soon as Luke was out of your sight, all of the anxiety which you had stifled throughout the day came bursting through your every emotion. 

Immediately, you ran to the mess hall with the intent of seeing Ben for dinner, but upon seeing all the students turn their faces on you, you lost it. You turned out of the doorway and made for the path to the hill that Ben had shown you last night. Tears flowed freely down your face, the conflicting emotions swirling inside of you as you made your way up to the top of the grassy hill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one is kind of short!! but there's that little dose of angst at the end...  
> i'm editing the next couple chapters now and they should be up this weekend! things start to pick up in the next one as you learn about the Bond between the two of you, among other connections you feel... ;)


	4. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the conversation with Luke, you find yourself having to sort through your emotions, with help from Ben. He keeps his promise and finally explains the Force Bond in more depth, as well as giving you your first chance to look into his mind.

Reaching the spot at the top of the hill, your body came crashing down and you fell onto your knees. Your hands shot up to your face as you let out a cacophony of sobs and crying noises. You instinctively reached to your neck for your stone, but your hand fell flat against your empty collarbone. You had already forgotten that you gave it to Ben, but knowing how it might help him was enough to get you not to miss having it there. You knew it might’ve had something to do with his nightmare last night, or lack thereof, so you had every reason to justifiably give it to him. 

The thoughts and events of the day relentlessly unfolded in your brain on repeat. Too many emotions to count, one after the other.

The stares of all the other students, silently judging your every move. Your nerves for classes, which you didn’t perform very well in. The unease about the power of the Bond between you and Ben. The fact that not only did it seem as though Master Skywalker hated you, but he was asking you to spy on your best friend and rat him out if there was any chance of him committing to the Dark Side. 

Above all, the feeling of doubt and hopelessness consumed you. Two days ago, life was so simple and now, you were thrown into a world of good and evil, in which you apparently had a role to play. You used to think your life would never really amount to anything. You thought you would just grow up and never leave Chandrila, and as much as you dreamed about exploring the galaxy, you never thought it would actually happen. But here you are. Ben was counting on you, and apparently so was Luke Skywalker.

Ben.

You thought about Ben’s face, that pale skin littered with freckles and that silky black hair. You thought about his warm embrace, and how the world felt so insignificant when you were with him. Even with all of this happening, you would be willing to do it for the rest of your life if it meant protecting Ben. All of the uncertainty and pain would be worth it if it meant saving his life and helping him to resist the temptation of the Dark Side.

All of a sudden, you sensed him before you saw him. You wiped away the evidence of tears on your face, and he sat right next to you.

“Don’t,” He grabbed your hand away from your face, exposing the tear stained face you had been trying to disguise. “You don’t have to hide from me.” His voice was soft, softer than you had ever heard it. He let go of your hand and drifted his hand up to cup your chin, lifting your face towards his. His deep brown eyes scanned your face, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What did Luke say?” He finally spoke. At this moment, you didn’t know if you were strong enough to go through the whole ordeal with him.

“Please, Ben,” Tears were forming again in your eyes, waiting on the edge of your eyelids, ready to burst forth at any second. It didn’t take long for them to come down as you began to silently sob and slowly pointed a finger towards your forehead. “Please, just look in my head. I don’t think I can even say it,” Your words were almost inaudible as you breathed in between sobs. Ben focused his eyes on yours.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to look if you don’t want me to,” It was the first time he had shown any hesitation about peering into your mind. He could tell how much pain you were in, and he didn’t want to pressure you, but you knew this was the only way, so you nodded your head. You wanted him to see the whole thing, to understand what you felt, just so he knew that you were never going to betray him.

Silently, Ben closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. You watched as his face reflected a range of emotions while he sorted through your memory, pinpointing the conversation with Luke. His face went from concerned, to confused, to angry in a matter of seconds, and suddenly his eyes shot open, the golden flecks in his brown eyes almost looked enlarged. Almost instantly, he grabbed you and pulled you into his body, laying his hand on the back of your head and holding you closely to his chest.

“I’m so-I’m so sorry,” He whispered. “This is all my fault. I should have never put you in this position, I should’ve just left you alone,” He choked back tears as he finished out what he was trying to say.

“Ben,” You tilted your head up so as to be able to speak to him. The pain on his face was so heavily apparent, and you could feel him shaking against your body. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine, I should have never come here, I never would have if I knew I’d be putting you in danger, I just-”

“No.” Ben forcefully demanded. “Stop that, right now. You aren’t putting me in danger, I’m the one doing that to you.” He loosened his grip on you and pulled you up so your faces were mere inches away from each other. His large, calloused hand came out from behind your head as he placed it against your cheek, tracing your bottom lip with his thumb. Meanwhile, his other hand slid down to your lower back and he pulled the lower half of your body closer to his own, placing his legs on either side of you. 

“We can’t just keep blaming ourselves, we’re never gonna agree,” You peered up at him. “I think I’m putting you in danger, and you think the opposite. There’s no point in arguing, so let’s just forget about how this all happened and just focus on helping each other,” You were surprised at how composed you were while saying this. It was true, you knew, that neither of you would say the other was right, both of you trying to assume the responsibility for this situation. You put aside your thoughts about that and zoned in on the positive and what you could control, which was what you would do with the information Luke had given you.

“This connection,” You started again. “Have you ever experienced something like it before?”

“I’ve never felt anything like this,” He whispered, his breath hitting your face. He leaned down, resting his forehead on your own, staring intently into your eyes. “You were meant to come here, I can feel that, and I think you can too. I never want you to feel any pain ever again, and you never will, as long as you’re with me. I promise, I’ll always protect you.”

You let your arms reach up and fall around his neck, one hand interlacing its fingers with his hair, the other draped on his shoulder. You swallowed, relief slowly creeping into your mind with every word Ben spoke. He cared about you, and you could feel it yourself. The familiar feeling of safety and warmth consumed your senses. All of the pain, the anxiety, the loneliness, it instantly disappeared as he held you in his arms.

“Ben,” You said in a hushed tone. “I’ll never leave you, okay? I just need you to know that I am never going to betray you, I’m never going to abandon you. I’m just… scared. But for some reason, whenever I’m with you, all that fear just disappears.”

The familiar sting of tears resting on your eyelids returned, but Ben wiped them away with his thumb before they had the chance to escape. His fingers fell back to your jaw, but instead of him returning his thumb to your lips, he let it settle on your cheek. Ben moved his head to let his lips press onto your forehead, leaving a delicate kiss on your skin. The feeling of his lips leaving your face made your body tingle, begging for more of his essence.

The two of you sat in silence, still mere inches away from each other’s faces. The tension between you was palpable, at least to you, but you didn’t know how Ben felt. Even with everything he had said, you couldn’t tell if he meant it in a way that indicated he wanted to be something more, whatever that even was. Not wanting to risk both your dignity and friendship with Ben, you backed away from him. His eyes watched as you shuffled away from him, and you could’ve sworn you saw a look of disappointment flash across his eyes, but you kept going until you were no longer intertwined in his legs.

Ben cleared his throat and rustled his hair with his hands, clearly trying his best to transition from the moment prior, which had left both of you in a state of confusion. “So, you… uh, feeling better?”

“Yes, much.” You smiled at him, not wanting there to be any strange residual feelings after the rather intimate action he showed you. Grabbing his bag, he tossed it over to you.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to go to dinner in the hall tonight, so I grabbed a few things for us in case,” He reached his hand out, gesturing for you to open the bag, and you complied. Inside was a couple pieces of bread and some fruit, the usual. “It’s not much, but I wasn’t really planning on trying to bring any meat in the bag,” He let out a soft chuckle and you smiled at him.

“Thank you, Ben,” You lifted out a pear and one of the pieces of bread. Honestly, you weren’t that hungry, but you knew you had to at least try to get something in your system. 

You and Ben ate in silence, eyes glued to the sky ahead of you beyond the hill. It was just as amazing as it had been the night before, the colors dancing among the stars. You were never going to get tired of how beautiful the galaxy was. After what had felt like hours of mutual stillness, Ben finally broke it.

“So, if you want, I can tell you more about the Bond,” His voice was faint, as if he was tiptoeing around you and your emotions. As hard as your day had been, and as much trouble as you knew the Bond could get you in, you still craved more information about it and how it worked. 

“Please, yeah,” Your trance had been broken and you averted your eyes away from the sky to look at Ben. His mouth curved into a small smile as he adjusted his body to face yours again.

“Alright. So, obviously, Luke told you a little bit about it, but he didn’t really explain it other than how it’s connected to the Dark Side.” His voice had lost its soft edge and he took a much more serious tone. “The Force Bond allows Force-Users to communicate with each other, no matter where they are. You can hear, see and feel the other person, even being able to see their surroundings sometimes. Usually, to look into someone’s mind, it would cause them pain or require more effort by the one doing the looking. But, that’s why with us, it isn’t like that.”

Your eyes grew wider with every word he said. Engaged and interested, you scooted closer again to show you were listening intently.

“We can hear each other without trying,” He continued. “It’s basically a stronger form of a typical bond, almost like the two of us are one, being able to hear and feel everything the other is thinking or feeling at any given moment. That’s how I knew to find you here. As soon as you started crying, I felt every emotion you were enduring, heard everything going on in your head. I just had to focus on tapping into the connection to find out where you were.”

This was fascinating, and a little bit terrifying. _Could anybody just tap into my mind at any point to speak to me? Or was it only Ben?_

“Technically,” he started to answer your question. “Anyone can utilize a Force Bond if you have some form of innate connection. So unless someone in your family is Force-Sensitive, I’m probably the only one who can do this with you, for a reason I still have yet to understand. I don’t know if it’s because we grew up together or there’s some other explanation, but this is a unique Bond, considering we aren’t related in any way.”

You nodded your head in acknowledgement of his answer.

“So, why can’t I see your thoughts the way you see mine? Isn’t this like a two way thing?”

“You probably have and you don’t even know it. At the very least, you’ve felt the connection in some weird way, right?”

  
You nodded your head again. “Yeah, I guess I always felt some sort of connection but didn’t know what it was,” You replied.

“Exactly, you just aren’t as used to all of this as I am,” He offered a smile. “But, Luke was right in telling you it is a tool of the Dark Side, which is why we have to be careful. I’m gonna help you access the strength of your power, but we have to be lowkey about it. If he finds out, he’s not gonna be happy, but, I think it’s worth the risk.”

“I agree,” You chimed in. “I wanna know how to use it, I feel like it could actually help us deal with… everything,” You were hesitant to say that, but it was true. Maybe having this connection could help Ben with his nightmares, so he could just reach out whenever, thus being able to not break the “no one in someone else’s hut after dark” rule. 

“Yes, it can help us protect each other.”

The way Ben explained it made you much more comfortable with the whole thing. When Luke had lectured you about it earlier, you were admittedly a little scared, knowing that using this could open either of you up to manipulation by Sith and other users of the Force on the Dark Side. That was an aspect of it that somewhat perplexed you, and silently you wondered if Ben actually knew more about that than he was letting on. You pushed that thought out of your head immediately, not wanting him to hear that you were even thinking such a thing.

“Okay, so when’s my first lesson? I’d like to be able to peer in your mind whenever I please, the way you do with mine,” The sass in your voice was very apparent, and Ben raised an eyebrow at your statement.

He scoffed, and replied with another question. “Why do you wanna see inside my head _so_ badly? Of course I’m gonna show you, but what exactly is it that you think you’ll find?” He flashed his teeth in a wide grin, satisfied with his challenge back to you.

“Not sure yet,” You didn’t even hesitate to answer, wanting him to think there wasn’t anything particular that you had in mind. Which of course, was a lie. “But the sooner I can, the better.” 

The real reason you wanted to delve into his thoughts was to see his memory of tonight, to see how he felt when you two were intertwined in such a complicated position. You wanted to know if his heart was racing as much as yours, if his skin was buzzing the way yours was after he had planted the kiss on your forehead. 

It occurred to you then, that maybe he had already sensed how you felt, and if he knew how you felt, why wouldn’t he have done something more? Maybe he just didn’t feel the same, and you felt your face grow hot with embarrassment. You were overthinking it, you knew that, but you couldn’t help it.

Ben snapped you out of your reeling mind. “Okay then, Ace. First lesson starts right now.” He crossed his legs as he sat across from you. “You’ll need to focus, so face me and position yourself the way I am.” He was in the meditative position you had learned earlier in the day, so you crossed one leg over the other and let your hands fall on top of your knees.

 _Breath_ , you heard in your mind. You closed your eyes and steadied your breaths.

_Visualize the connection. Focus on the energy flowing between the two of us._

Keeping them closed, you continued to breath and focused all of your energy on envisioning the tether between the two of you. It was as if you were walking among the stars down a path to his mind, a mind that was gated shut. You visualized the gate opening, and you felt yourself shift into his consciousness.

“Good job. I’m gonna show you something in my mind and I want you to say it back to me so I know it’s working.” 

You were now in his mind, you could just tell by how different it had felt from your own. There was an overwhelming sense of chaos, but controlled chaos. You imagined that must be how he always felt, with the pull between the two sides taking up so much of his brain, and you felt a tinge of heartache for him.

All of a sudden, it was like you were watching a movie. You saw… a young girl. _Wait, is that?_ The girl turned her face and you recognized her instantly. It was you, back on Chandrila. You noticed something shining in your hand, and you now knew what this memory was. It was from the day Ben left to come here, to the Temple.

“It’s the day you left home,” You spoke softly, eyes still closed, watching in his mind as you reached up and pushed his hair out of his face.

“Yes, good job. Now focus on how I’m feeling, right in that moment.”

In the memory, you were placing a kiss on his cheek, and your mind was overflowing with emotions, Ben’s emotions. There were so many, you couldn’t even tell them apart.

“There’s a lot,” You started, scrunching your eyebrows together in an attempt to pinpoint each one. “You were happy and you felt loved, but there’s also this intense sadness and loneliness.” The memory progressed as Ben got onto the ship and the ramp closed behind him. “Yep, now it’s definitely sadness.”

You let your eyes flutter open, and you were met with Ben’s gaze. His eyes looked glazed over, watching your every move with intensity.

“I wanted to show you that day to let you know how broken I felt leaving home. Not only was I leaving my family and my childhood behind, I left you behind, and I felt so guilty and isolated after I did that.” He spoke with an eagerness in his voice, and you were sensing he was trying to make a point. “Try sensing my emotions now. What I feel right now, here with you.”

You did as he asked, but this time you didn’t even need to close your eyes or envision yourself walking into his mind. Your senses were overloaded with a range of positive emotions. 

Passion, strength, peace. Light, euphoria, safety. Ben felt weightless in his mind, as though he was literally floating in this cloud of contentment.

“I mean, there’s a lot, but the general theme is that you’re happy,” You smiled at him. Knowing that he was happy gave you the most joy in the world. You just wanted him to stay like this forever.

“When I’m with you, I feel the darkness leave my body entirely, I just feel consumed by light and that makes me feel strong,” He excitedly said. He exuded this bliss he was feeling in such a strong way that you’d be surprised if other people couldn’t sense it too. “I just wanted you to see how different I already am, and it’s only been two days.”

As glad as you were to hear this coming from Ben, part of you felt like it was too good to be true. There was no _way_ that just you being there was enough to do that to him. Like he said, it’s only been two days, and here he was saying you basically fixed him. As much as you desperately wanted to believe him, to honestly accept that you had helped him, you had your reservations. 

But why let your doubts ruin what is clearly a great moment for him? You silently reminded yourself to focus on the now, not to worry about what could still happen. Ben was happy, and as far as you were concerned, you were too.

“Like I said, Ben, I’ll never let you be alone again. I have no plans on leaving any time soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter so I really hope you like this one!! There's that tension I promised ;)  
> Chapter 5 is written as well, just going to edit it but it should be up either later today or tomorrow!  
> As always, thank you for the kudos and comments, they truly mean the world to me :)


	5. Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally get to find your Kyber crystal that is needed to construct your lightsaber, but it is far from easy. Ben and you get even closer, both mentally and physically.

Weeks passed as you comfortably adjusted to your new life at the Temple. Your daily routine remained relatively the same, you’d wake up and walk to breakfast with Ben, go to meditation, embarrass yourself in combat training. Twice a week you also had class on the history of the Jedi and understanding the purpose of the Code, so you also had to find time to study once in a while. Ben wasn’t in that class with you considering he had been there for so much longer, so he already knew everything there was to know in regards to the subject, but he helped you study whenever you asked. There were certain parts of the Code that you found pretty ridiculous, but you were definitely not in a position to dispute that with Luke considering your previous interactions with him.

The two of you still went to the hill every night during dinner, thus being able to avoid the students’ stares in the mess hall while enjoying the view of the sky that you adored. There, he continued to help you master your grip on the Force Bond, and by now, you had almost perfected it. At any given time, you could subconsciously connect with Ben and see his thoughts, surroundings and even feel what he felt at that moment. There always seemed to be something, some small part that was inaccessible in Ben’s mind, but you chose not to bring it up, instead learning how to do the same for some of your more private thoughts. You learned how to put up barriers around your mind as a whole, to deny him access completely, but you never kept them up for long. He said that was an important skill for keeping people other than him out of your mind, so you had to practice it with him a lot. However, you now kept that one little piece under lock and key once you knew how, and you knew Ben sensed you were doing so, but he didn’t bother in bringing it up either. There was a sort of mutual agreement that you each had your own things you’d rather keep to yourself, at least for now.

The two of you used the Bond to talk even after you had gone back to your huts at night, and it came in handy in the event that Ben would have a nightmare.

The first month you were there he was doing well. He would sleep with the necklace you gave him wrapped tightly around his hand which provided him some comfort. But as the weeks went on, it got harder and harder to shut out the voices and visions swirling in his dreams, and now that you were tapped in with his mind, you could feel when he was having an episode. They were happening more frequently now as you found yourself waking up in the middle of the night sweating, immediately reaching out on your connection with Ben to calm him down. Usually you would just talk for a little bit until he felt well enough to fall back to sleep, and that would be it for the night.

Until recently. The past few nights, the nightmares had not only become more vivid and almost tangible, but the frequency in which he experienced them rose exponentially. Last night, you had woken up three times throughout your sleep due to what Ben was feeling inside. You didn’t care, you were happy you were there to help him, but a little part of you knew that this was heading downhill fast. You knew just talking him down was not going to be a permanent solution, but you had no idea where to go from there, and neither did he. 

Over the course of the past three months, you saw how his energy had shifted, how the nightmares were affecting his overall mood. Not towards you, necessarily, but towards others, especially Luke. You knew he was still angry at him for the way he threatened you the first day, but this was bigger than that. You could feel the rage swirling inside of him, sometimes so much so it felt as though it was going to burst forth at any second. It reminded you of what he told you the first day in the mess hall, about how other students were scared of him because he had broken stuff and set it on fire, on top of arguing with Luke in front of everyone. You hadn’t once seen that side of Ben, at least not yet.

This morning, you woke up incredibly early. Well, you didn’t really wake up so much as you had just stayed awake since Ben’s most recent nightmare. It was still dark outside, but you knew he was awake too. 

_Morning, Sleepyhead._ You reached out to him.

 _Good Morning, Ace._ _You ready for your big day?_ He responded.

You had totally forgotten. Today was the day you and a couple of the other students were going to the caves to get your Kyber crystals to finally construct your lightsaber. You had been so focused throughout the night on making sure Ben was okay that it had slipped your mind completely. 

_Uh, totally! Yep, super excited to be stuck with all the others digging through a cave for some rock._ You were half kidding, half serious. You were not looking forward to being apart from Ben, alone with all of the other students, but you were definitely happy to finally be able to get a crystal and start building your lightsaber.

 _You’ll be fine._ He urged you. _Just remember,_ _focus on the energy in the cave, follow it and it will show you to the crystal you need_. You knew he was right, Ben was always right, especially when it came to anything relating to the Jedi. 

_Thank you. Hopefully I won’t be stuck there all day. I’ll see you at the hill later tonight?_

_I’ll see you there._

You smiled to yourself, wrapping your blankets tightly to your body. Just the thought of seeing Ben made you motivated enough to get out of bed every morning. Spending your nights on the hill with him helped you get through some of the toughest days, knowing you could just relax and exist next to him while you watched the stars illuminate the sky. 

Excitedly, you hopped out of bed and got ready for the day. You and the others were meeting early by the mess hall so you could all walk together and get instructions from Master Skywalker about how to get there and what to do. As usual, you rolled off the bed and pulled on your tan pants and white linen shirt, stepped into your shoes and brushed out your hair. Living in the hut meant living pretty simply, so you had settled into the same routine in the mornings. You tied your hair in two braids and let them fall onto your shoulders, finally grabbing your bag and tossing it onto your arm as you exited the hut. 

Walking alone, you made your way to the mess hall. There were a few other students, all considerably younger than you, which you were thankful for. They weren’t the ones you’ve had issues with, it was the ones your age that bothered you with their incessant whispers and stares. You smiled at the others, mostly in their early teens. In the clearing, you saw Master Skywalker making his way to the group. He stopped in front of you and smiled.

“Looks like everyone’s here. Well, today’s the day.” He went on to explain the directions to the cave and led you all inside to grab some food to take with you, as it could be a relatively long excursion. He informed you all that you were to return as soon as you got your crystal, even if that meant walking back alone. Guess that was to make sure everyone was paying attention, but you weren’t really sure.

He led the group to an opening in the forest where he gestured for you all to start the journey. You stepped into the dirt and started making your way along the forest path, through trees that you couldn’t even see the tops of. The forest was quiet in the early morning, only the sounds of some birds chirping and the wind rustling the leaves. You took it upon yourself to be the head of the group, just in case there was danger. Being older than the rest, you felt responsible to take care of them, so you walked with purpose as they trailed closely behind you.

You walked for what felt like hours, finally reaching the entrance of the cave around midday. It was a large entrance, with no light coming from it. Hesitantly, you walked in, the other students fanning out around you. One by one, students drifted onto their own paths, seemingly following some sort of pull in various directions. You waited for something to show you where to go, but nothing was coming. Walking deeper into the cave, you were beginning to get nervous as the first student had connected with a crystal. It illuminated in their hand, emanating a bright green aura, their face flushed with excitement. They turned to exit the cave, as per Luke’s instruction.

Others followed, one after the other, and within two hours it was only you and one young boy left in the cave. Your heart dropped as you turned to see him lift up a stone, a vibrant shade of purple bursting from its form. He lifted his head to look at you, and you could sense that he felt empathy for you.

“I can wait with you,” He whispered. You smiled at him, the gesture truly was sweet. But, you shook your head.

“No, no, go ahead. I’ll be fine, I promise. Just follow Master Skywalker’s instruction and go back to the Temple. I’m sure I’ll be right behind you,” He nodded his head and scurried out of the cave, clearly buzzing with excitement to have found his crystal.

Hours had passed, and nothing. You meditated, walked around, traced your hands along the walls of the cave, all to no avail. No invisible pull, no sensation igniting your bones, it was just you, alone in this cold, empty cave. You sat down to eat the food you had brought with you, thinking you’d be stuck there the rest of the night searching for the crystal. 

Walking outside the cave, you noticed that the sun had begun to set, and you thought about the hill. Ben was probably sitting there right now, wondering where you were. Sitting down at the entrance, you reached out in your mind to talk to him. Shutting your eyes, you focused in on his energy, and when you opened, there he was. At least, the image of him, with the beautiful sky as his background. You watched as his eyes squinted, trying to pinpoint your location.

“You’re still at the cave? Are you okay, did you get hurt or something?” His voice was draped with concern for your safety, so you quickly shook your head.

“I’m fine, Ben, I’m fine. I just…” You stopped and looked at the ground, staring at your empty hands. You felt pathetic. You couldn’t help but think about when Luke told you that you were going to be incredibly powerful, yet here you were, empty-handed.

“But then, why are you still there?” Ben was genuinely confused. He assumed you found your crystal easily, and you thought you would have too.

“I don’t have a crystal.” You looked up at his face, still just as confused. “Nothing’s happening, nothing is guiding me, I don’t feel anything, and I’ve tried _everything._ ” You let out a heavy sigh. “Maybe I’m just not ready for one yet.”

As you spoke, you saw Ben reach into his pocket. He was in shock as he lifted something purple out of it, and you recognized it instantly as the necklace you had given back to him. Something about it felt different, though, stronger almost. You watched in awe as it floated out of his hand towards you, and you reached out a hand to let it fall into your grip.

“How-” You started, incredibly lost as to how something that was in Ben’s hand physically came to yours.

“It’s part of the Bond,” He whispered. “But, it’s super rare, for two people to be able to do that, to actually physically send an object through space…but, I wanna try something else too,” He trailed off as he returned his eyes to meet yours. Slowly, he reached out his hand towards you, and you responded by doing the same. Your hands met in the middle, the familiar warmth of Ben’s skin on yours.

But as your skin met his, a blurry vision overtook your mind. You saw death, destruction, and flames surrounding you. You shut your eyes, trying to shake the image from your mind. Ben clasped your hand in his, clearly not experiencing the same thing.

“What’s happening, are you alright?” He pleaded with you to answer him, but your head continued to violently shake.

It was the future.

Ben’s future.

But then, there was a flash of light and the vision shifted. Peace, life, and light filled the space that had previously been occupied by darkness. You stopped shaking, steadying your breathing, trying to understand what you were being shown.

_These are the two paths he faces. You have a choice to make._

You heard the voice in your head, it was faint, and unrecognizable. As Ben let go of your hand, your eyes shot open, against your will. He was staring at you, concern plastered all over his face.

“I’m coming to get you, just stay where you are,” You watched as Ben stood from his seated position, ready to make the trek to the cave.

“Ben, don’t. I’m fine, really.” You didn’t have any idea what had just happened, but you did know that you needed time to think about it. “I’m fine to walk back, I promise. Just go back to your hut and sleep, I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?” 

Reluctantly, he nodded. “Okay, just please be safe. If you need me, reach out,” His image drifted away as you let go of the connection.

The crystal vibrated in your hand. At least you had that now. You stared at it, filled with hope as its bright violet aura became iridescent in your palm. You clutched it tightly in your hand and slipped it into your bag, standing and getting ready to walk back to the Temple. 

The words from your vision were echoing in your mind.

_“These are the two paths he faces. You have a choice to make.”_

You visualized the two scenarios knowing that each represented the side of the Force he would go on to completely align himself with. 

Though you had yet to see any displays of his anger, you couldn’t ignore the fact that he had allowed some of the darkness into his heart. He was worse at controlling his temper around others, got frustrated easily, and got in fights with Luke almost constantly. 

At the same time, you also saw so much of the good in him, the light that was suppressing the darkness. The way he was so gentle with you, the fact that just being near him you could feel intense sensations of peace and security.

But how were you supposed to know what caused each of the outcomes? What was the choice that you had to make? You hoped it would become more apparent as time went on, maybe coming in another vision.

The other thought that was nagging at you was the voice in the vision. Though unrecognizable, there were distinct qualities that made you shudder when you thought about it. It was definitely male, and it was as if the voice was oozing with power. There were really only two possibilities you could think of that would even have the power to communicate with you in that way.

That voice. It had to be someone who was strong with the Force. And since all the known Jedi were here with you, it became increasingly possible that the voice you heard belonged to a Sith.

Why would a Sith be warning you about Ben’s future? Don’t they want Ben to be seduced by the Dark Side? You knew you couldn’t tell Luke about this, considering he already discouraged you from utilizing your Force Bond with Ben in the first place. You wondered if you should even tell Ben, if telling him would just make things worse. For now, you were going to push that information into the vault in your mind, along with the other thoughts you kept hidden from Ben.

* * *

It was dark when you had finally returned to your hut. You threw your bag onto the bed and kicked off your shoes, slowly undoing the braids on your head. It was hot that night, and you were covered in sweat from your journey home, so you rinsed yourself off in the small refresher attached to the hut before changing into a large sleep shirt. Standing next to the bed, you removed your crystal from your bag, still amazed at how much brighter it was now than it ever had been. It was connected to you in a whole new way, becoming a tool for you to exercise your power once it could be crafted into a saber. Removing the bag from your bed, you laid down and let the crystal rest on the small bedside table. You secured yourself in your blankets, exhausted from the long day you had.

 _Goodnight, Ben._ You thought to yourself, in case he was still awake. You were pleasantly surprised to not hear an answer back, knowing he must be asleep, and hopefully it would stay that way.

Just as you were about to fall asleep, your body writhed in pain as it felt like you were being burned on the inside. You let out a shrill scream as you felt pressure being applied on your mind, feeling as though your brain was going to explode. Then, as soon as it had happened, it stopped. You laid there, breathing heavily,beads of sweat rolling down your forehead.

 _What the hell was that?_ You were in such shock, you didn’t even hear the knock at your door. Your hand reached for the staff leaning against your table as you saw a tall figure in your doorway, but you realized quickly who it was. 

“Ben?” You wiped your eyes, “You know you can’t be here.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. But I had to come,” He didn’t even wait for you to invite him in as he walked across the room and sat on the side of your bed. “I woke up and I heard you scream. I knew it was because of me,” His eyes remained forward, his gaze fixated on the dirt floor.

“What do you-”

“A nightmare. A really, really bad one.” His voice was so soft you almost couldn’t hear it. You re positioned yourself and moved next to him, letting your legs hang off the bed next to his. “I hate that you feel the same pain as me, I don’t want you to have to bear that.”

You let your hand fall onto his knee. “I meant it when I said I was always gonna be there for you,” you reached your other hand out and turned his face towards yours. “If I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t be doing it. You need to stop apologizing for the things you can’t control.”

The immense sadness in his eyes was almost enough to make you crumble, but you kept your composure. That was, until he asked you about something.

“Earlier in the cave, you had a vision didn’t you?” He had caught you so off guard, you retreated your hands from his body and averted your gaze.

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now, let’s just focus on you, okay?” Your heart was beating incredibly fast, and you were hoping he would just drop it there. 

“Got it.” He said quietly. You expected him to say something else, anything else, but he didn’t. You sat in silence for a few moments before you finally spoke up again.

“It’s not that I don’t want to share it with you, I just don’t think now is a good time.” You were only half lying. You didn’t want to share it with him, but even if you did, now was definitely not the time to be revealing your concerns about being contacted by someone who could possibly be a Sith lord.

“I know you’ve been holding something back from me, Ace,” He was referring to the small portion of your thoughts that you chose to keep closed, while he had access to all of your other thoughts and feelings. “And it’s not just the vision. I’ve known for a while.”

Kriff. What were you supposed to do? You knew you had to tell him something, he probably thought you were hiding something horrible from him, but in truth it was the furthest thing from horrible.

The connection between the two of you had only gotten stronger during your time at the Temple so far. But so had your feelings for him, feelings you couldn’t quite yet understand or explain. That was the only thing you were keeping from him until today, to protect your heart and your friendship in general.

“It’s nothing, really, Ben, I-”

“What are you hiding?” His voice had an edge to it, one that you had never heard before. “Have you been talking to Luke?”

  
“What? No! Why would I do that to you? To us?” You had raised your voice, absolutely appalled that he would actually think you capable of doing that. This was the energy in him you had seen grow over the past few months, and it was the first time he was showing it around you.

You tried to focus on the connection, to see inside his mind, hoping that he had let his guard down on the area he tried to keep hidden from you. You knew that what he had been keeping from you had to do with this gradual shift in his energy, and you needed to understand what it was so you could try to help him.

“Get out of my head!” He yelled at you, arms shooting out to grip your shoulders, pinning you against the wall. He created a mental blockade, not only restricting your access to that portion of his thoughts, but all of them. Breathing heavily, hair hanging in front of his eyes, his grip on you tightened. He was possessed, this wasn’t the Ben you knew.

“Let. Go. Of. Me!” You wriggled against his grip, spitting out your words at him, spaced out between shifts in your body. “You think I don’t know that you’ve been hiding something from me too? I’m not the only one with secrets, Ben. And I have a feeling yours are much darker than mine.” You couldn’t believe the words came out of your mouth.

Almost instantaneously, he removed his hands from your shoulders, and you saw the darkness leave his eyes, replaced by something else. Regret, mixed with sadness. Ben shot up from your bed and walked out of your hut, not once turning back or saying another word.

“Ben, STOP!” You jumped out of bed and followed after him, but keeping up with his long, purposeful strides was nearly impossible. You broke into a jog as you pursued him, finally reaching him before he stepped into his hut. You grabbed his arm and he ripped it out of your hand, turning around to face you, tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Ben, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes, you did. That’s not why I’m upset. You’re right,” He said, tears still resting on his eyelids, not yet falling down his face. “I can’t believe what I just did to you,” You could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke.

“I don’t care, it doesn’t mat-”

“Yes it does!” He cut you off again. “I let the anger take over, and I swore to myself I would never, ever let myself get like that with you.” He stood in a rigid stance, almost afraid of touching you after what had just transpired in your hut.

You slowly stepped towards him, his body tensing up as you were within inches of him. Your arms reached up as you stood on your tiptoes, wrapping them around his neck. His body melted into yours as his arms closed in around your waist. Tears hit your neck, but they were not your own. Ben had situated his head in the nook of your neck and quietly cried on you, releasing all of his pent up emotions. He squeezed you and whispered into your ear, “I’m so sorry.”

You clasped your hands together at the base of his neck, pulling the embrace even tighter. You felt a single tear leave your eye, “It’s okay. I forgive you.” The two of you remained in the hug for a few more minutes before Ben slowly brought his head up away from your neck. 

The way he was looking at you ignited a flame in your body, and you felt those feelings you had locked away coming to the surface again. The tension hanging in the air was the same as it had been that night on the hill, when you and Ben were intertwined and he had so gently kissed your forehead. His eyes were darting all over your face, looking for some indication of what to do.

Ben moved his hands over your body, one finding the small of your back while the other rested on your cheek. You unclasped your hands, letting one travel up his neck to his hair, playing with his jet black locks as you looked into his soulful eyes. His gaze fell from yours as he glanced at your lips, and back up to your eyes. You could feel the warmth emanating from both of you, surrounding you in a cloud of desire.

Then, it happened.

Ben pulled your head into his, the grip you had on his hair tightening around your fingertips, as his lips crashed into yours. His lips were soft to the touch and his mouth moved delicately around yours as he overtook all of your senses. It was desperate, passionate, and gentle all at once. It felt almost electric, as if power was radiating from the two of you like an energy source. In that moment, it felt as though time had stopped, and you and Ben Solo were the only two people who existed in the entire galaxy. All of the pain from the day melted away as you remained in his arms, engaged in such a tender embrace, your lips moving in sync with his.

Finally, Ben’s lips left yours and your mouth missed the presence of his. Your bodies were still buzzing with the heat of the moment, your faces both flushed. There was a look of contentment on Ben’s face as you studied the way he was looking at you. That was an image you wanted engraved into your mind forever, his brilliant eyes gazing upon your face while his hair rustled in the breeze. 

“I should, uh, probably get some sleep.” His voice was cold and serious. All of a sudden, he removed his body from yours, a confusing look on his face.

You felt as though someone had stabbed you through the stomach with a lightsaber. What the hell was that? He had just kissed you, right there, in the open, with such insane passion, and now he was acting like it was a mistake.

“Did I… do something wrong?” You asked hesitantly, not really sure if you were prepared for the answer. In the back of your head, you knew that the kiss was wrong. Jedi were not allowed to engage in emotional attachments, a rule that Luke was very adamant about having his students follow, and one of the ones you thought was absolutely ridiculous. But, that was almost part of the excitement to you. Besides, how does kissing someone make you more susceptible to the Dark Side? It sounded stupid even in your head.

“No, you didn’t… we just can’t. I’ll… see you in the morning.” Ben turned and ducked into his hut, leaving you standing outside, the breeze now nipping at your exposed legs.

Was he seriously gonna follow that stupid rule? You were already going against Luke’s warning about the Force Bond, which you assumed was way more dangerous than a kiss could be. You let your shoulders slump down and you made your way back to your hut. 

_Great._ You thought. _Now Ben’s gonna hate me too and I’ll_ really _have no friends._

You threw yourself into bed, tucking yourself into the blankets, clutching onto them for dear life. Slowly, you let your eyelids close as you tried to push the nervousness of what tomorrow would be like out of your head.

Your mind drifted away in a dream, suspending all the worries you had. That was something you would have to deal with tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many EMOTIONS writing this chapter!! really starting to get into the thick of the drama now, on the ~feelings~ side of things and the much larger Dark vs Light side of things!!  
> next chapter we get to see Ben's POV from after the cave and the nightmare scene...  
> as usuallllll thank you for the comments and kudos, and get ready for chapter 6 either today or tomorrow!


	6. Darkness and Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Ben's POV -
> 
> Ben struggles with his emotions as he endures one of the worst nightmares he has had. The pull between the two sides of the Force is mounting in his mind, and he has no idea how to deal with his feelings.

Ben went back to his hut after he had communicated with you through the Force Bond, helping you discover that the stone he had given you all those years ago was actually the Kyber crystal you were meant to have. He knew the journey back from the cave was long and you wouldn’t be home for a few hours, so he figured he would try to get some sleep and he would be able to catch up with you in the morning.

Sitting up in his bed, he was unable to quiet his mind for quite a while. He thought about how the two of you had physically connected through the Bond, and the fact that he was able to send the crystal through the connection. It’s not like he didn’t know it was possible, but the ease with which the two of you were able to do it was surprising to him. Considering you had only really gotten a grip on the bond a few weeks prior, it was an indication of how strong with the Force you were becoming. 

Ben was proud of you. He admired your perseverance in the lessons and the dedication you showed in learning everything you could, which is why he was always happy to help you study for your classes about the details of the Jedi Order and the Code. Granted, he disliked a few things about the Code, but he wasn’t in the place to tell you that. Then Luke would really be pissed about the two of you spending every waking moment with each other.

His mind drifted over the details of the day, and he remembered what happened when the two of you had touched hands. He winced as he thought of how your body violently shook, your eyes slamming closed and the way you fervently threw your head around like you were trying to knock something out of it. That was something he recognized, it was clear that you were having a vision, and not a pleasant one. You had told him you were fine, but he knew something was going on that you were too afraid to tell him about. After all, he knew there was a small portion of your thoughts you were hiding from him, which had always left him on edge when he thought about it. 

You deserved privacy, he knew that, but somehow he knew it was about him, and he desperately wanted to know what it was. But, at the same time, he had been keeping secrets from you as well. As much as he wanted to divulge all of the details about his nightmares to you, he didn’t want you to worry about him more than you already did. You didn’t need to know what the voice in his head was telling him, nor did you need to know the violent images that he had to see every night as he fell asleep.

Maybe you would tell him about it tomorrow when he helped you construct your lightsaber.  _ Yeah, that would make sense, _ he thought to himself. You were probably just tired of being at that cave all day, alone for half of it, and wanted to just get back to your hut and sleep. He relaxed a bit as he convinced himself that was the most logical reasoning, and he felt himself drift towards sleeping finally.

Ben managed to successfully fall asleep for a little while before the nightmares started.

He was ripped away from the peacefulness of his sleep, pressure building in his mind. All he could see in his head was complete and utter darkness. That same voice echoed in his head, calling him a name other than his own.

_ Kylo Ren.  _

The voice was deep, powerful, evil. 

_ You must finish what Vader started all those years ago. _

His body was violently thrashing about in his bed, drenched in sweat, his hair sticking to his temple. He fought against the pervasive thoughts being pushed into his head, knowing that whoever was speaking was doing their best to manipulate him.

_ If you do not submit, you will lose her forever. _

Suddenly, the darkness was replaced by bright red flames, and it was as if he could feel the heat radiating from them. Through the fire, he saw a figure crouched down, hovering over something. The vision focused on the figures, and he realized who it was.

He recognized his form, bent down on his knees, arms outstretched. As it came more into focus, he could tell he was holding something, and then it felt as if the whole world had come crashing down.

In his arms was a lifeless body, draped over the top of his legs. He was supporting the head with his hand, while the other was wrapped under the legs. 

It was you.

He felt the sensation of fire on his skin as he watched himself hang his head, weeping over your dead body. The flames encircled the figures and Ben shot awake.

Screaming.

He knew it was you, it had to be. If you really felt everything he felt, your body must have felt the singe of fire on your skin, the pressure mounting on your mind. Instantly, he jumped out of bed and made for the door, not bothering to put on his shoes. He jogged over to the entrance of your hut where he was hit with your emotions even more powerfully. Ben knocked on your door, but didn’t wait for an answer. He stepped into the doorway and saw your head rise from your pillow.

“Ben?” He saw you wipe your eyes in disbelief, “You know you can’t be here.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. But I had to come,” Ben didn’t hesitate as he walked over to your bed and sat down on the side, staring at the ground beneath him. “I woke up and I heard you scream. I knew it was because of me.” 

“What do you-”

“A nightmare. A really, really bad one.” Ben thought about the voice, and what it had told him. He remembered the flames burning his skin, wincing as he thought about how he put that pain on you as well. “I hate that you feel the same pain as me, I don’t want you to have to bear that.”

Ben watched as you placed your hand on his leg, but kept his head in the same position. “I meant it when I said I was always gonna be there for you,” He felt your hand guide his head towards yours, eyes locking with his. “If I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t be doing it. You need to stop apologizing for the things you can’t control.”

In that moment, he knew that he had to ask about the vision you had earlier in the cave. Did it have something to do with his nightmare? Is that why you were shaking so much, because you had seen the same thing as him?

“Earlier in the cave, you had a vision didn’t you?” Ben felt immense guilt as you pulled your hands away from him and looked down.  _ Why did I ask her that right now? _ He couldn’t help but think to himself.  _ I should have just waited until tomorrow. _

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now, let’s just focus on you, okay?” 

“Got it.” Luckily, you hadn’t freaked out at him for even asking that, so he took it as his sign to drop it, but then you unintentionally pushed it a little further.

“It’s not that I don’t want to share it with you, I just don’t think now is a good time.” Ben silently agreed that it wasn’t a good time, but would there ever really be a good time? He had known about the part of your mind you were hiding from him, which made him wonder if you would ever tell him what it was.

“I know you’ve been holding something back from me, Ace. And it’s not just the vision. I’ve known for a while.”

Ben watched as panic appeared on your face, clearly deliberating if it was worth telling him what it was. He couldn’t help but assume it was something bad that had to do with him, because why else would you be hiding anything from him? The two of you had always told each other about the good things in your life, so it only made sense that it would be something dark.

“It’s nothing, really, Ben, I-”

“What are you hiding?” Ben snapped. The fear he had experienced from his nightmare evolved into rage, which led to impatience with you. “Have you been talking to Luke?”   
  


“What? No! Why would I do that to you? To us?” The anger inside of him only increased as you raised your voice at him.  _ She has to be hiding something. _

Ben felt something prodding in his mind, trying to open a connection. It was you. You were trying to see into his thoughts, and he could not have you do that right now.

“Get out of my head!” Instinctively, Ben let his arms release and he pinned you against the wall, anger boiling to the surface.  _ How could she do this to me? Has she actually been waiting this whole time just to get in my head to tell Luke everything that’s wrong with me? Does she even care about me at all? _

“Let. Go. Of. Me!” Ben realized how tightly he had been gripping your arms, pulling him out of his trance. “You think I don’t know that you’ve been hiding something from me too? I’m not the only one with secrets, Ben. And I have a feeling yours are much darker than mine.” 

_ She knows I’ve been hiding things from her? But then why wouldn’t she try to get them out of me sooner if that was her plan? _ Ben was appalled that he had even let himself think any of that. It was ridiculous for him to think you were actually just being nice to him to spy on his mind. He released your arms, intense feelings of guilt and regret rushing through him. He couldn’t believe that he had just done that to you, that he held you in such a harmful way. He knew he had let the darkness consume him in that moment, that he allowed the fear to overtake him and turn into rage. Rising from the bed, Ben couldn’t even look you in the eyes before he took off through the door back to his hut. He had to get away.

“Ben, STOP!” Ben heard you yell after him, but he did not slow his pace. He felt you grab his arm before he yanked it away, turning to face you on the brink of tears.

“I’m so sorry, Ben, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes, you did. That’s not why I’m upset. You’re right,” He was doing everything in his power not to cry in that moment, but it was difficult, especially when looking at your face. “I can’t believe what I just did to you,” He didn’t even try to mask the pain he was feeling as he spoke to you.

“I don’t care, it doesn’t mat-”

“Yes it does! I let the anger take over, and I swore to myself I would never, ever let myself get like that with you.” Ben thought about how aggressively he held your body in your hut, and his whole body stiffened. He was scared to so much as brush any part of your body right now, but all he wanted to do was hug you and let you into his mind.

As if you had sensed his desire, he was happily surprised when you stood on your toes in order to reach your arms around his neck. Ben locked his arms around your waist, pulling you into a tight embrace as he let his face sink into your neck, the tears now flowing freely from him. He let his lips flutter against your ear, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” You had gripped him even tighter, and Ben welcomed the feeling. He let his mind wander and thought back to that night on the hill, when he held you in his arms, his legs wrapped around you. All he wanted to do in that moment was take your face in his hands and kiss you, but he was afraid. Afraid of you not feeling the same way, afraid that succumbing to the passion he felt for you would open him up to the Dark Side. Instead, he left a light kiss on your forehead, hoping it would still convey how he felt. 

But tonight, it was different. Ben could sense your emotions without even trying, and he could feel the tension between the two of you. He watched your face intently as he moved one of his hands down to your lower back, studying how your expression changed. You looked pleasantly shocked, so he then moved his other to your face, cupping your cheek in his massive hand.

He smiled as he felt your much smaller hands rustle behind his neck, one finding a tendril of his hair that you moved between your fingertips. Ben glanced his eyes at your lips, just for a second, before looking back into your eyes. Embracing the heat between you, Ben seized the chance and pulled your face up to his, pressing his lips firmly on yours. He felt you pull his hair slightly, relishing the feeling it gave him inside. He was careful yet demanding with his mouth, wanting to provide you with endless protection and passion.

When Ben withdrew his lips from yours, he soaked in the warmth still hanging between you. He watched as you stared at him, longing for him to come back for more. In that moment, he felt the happiest he ever has, but then something flashed across his eyes that he could not unsee.

He saw his vision come alive, you were standing in front of him, engulfed in flames. As fast as he had seen it, it went away, and he watched you as you still studied his face.

“I should, uh, probably get some sleep.” Ben didn’t know what else to do. He was horrified at what he just saw, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that giving into his desires was putting both of you in danger.

He could see the the torture in your eyes as you turned over thoughts of why he just did what he did. Even though he wanted to tell you about it, it was easier not to. 

“Did I… do something wrong?” Hearing you think it was your fault crushed Ben even more, knowing there was nothing you could ever do to make him not want to be with you. He knew he at least had to let you know it wasn’t your fault, but he couldn’t tell you why.

“No, you didn’t… we just can’t. I’ll… see you in the morning.” Quickly, he turned and ducked into his hut, immediately crashing into the bed.

Ben didn’t even try to fall back asleep. He lied awake, thinking about how his vision could be connected to you, to what he felt for you. All he wanted was answers, and to know how he could prevent you from ever being harmed.

Conflicted was the only word to describe his thoughts.

The vision told him he would lose you if he didn’t submit to the Dark Side, and the Jedi Code was against emotional attachment. All he wanted to do was protect you, but how could he do that without giving in? Was the fact that he wanted to protect you proving he was already destined to break the Jedi Code anyway? 

He couldn’t live with himself if anything were to happen to you. But if Luke were to find out that he was emotionally involved, he would force him to let go. Luke would never let Ben risk falling to the Dark to protect you, because it meant simultaneously breaking the Code and resulting in his failure to keep good on his promise to Leia and Han that he would keep him safe. It’s not like Ben wanted to go to the Dark Side, but at that moment he felt so hopeless and alone, it almost seemed like the only option.

He had just pushed away the only person who truly cared about him in a long time, and he couldn’t help but feel selfish and stupid for doing so. Thoughts continued to swirl in his head as he tried to imagine what the best thing to do would be.

Ruling out telling Luke was easy. Ben knew that if he told him, it would mean he would never be allowed to see you again, and as much as that could have been a possible solution, he couldn’t bear the thought of not being with you at all. 

Leaving the Order was one of his ideas, but he dismissed it because he knew that leaving would make him even more susceptible to the Dark Side than he already was. Plus, where would he even go? Going back to Chandrila would mean seeing his parents, and he wasn’t sure he could trust them not to side with Luke.

Pondering all of the different plans, he eventually knew what he would do.

_ Nothing. _

It was so simple, yet it made the most sense. Nightmares weren’t real, no matter how realistic it might have felt. He knew that sounded naive, considering the visions he had were so horribly violent, but there was nothing to protect you from yet. Not even that you needed that much protection, since Ben could sense how strong you were with the Force. Once your lightsaber was constructed, he’d be able to teach you everything he knew about wielding such a legendary weapon, and the two of you would easily be able to defend yourselves against anything. Why would he need to make a decision when the two of you were peacefully existing at the Temple? Until there was an actual threat, there was no need for him to weigh his life choices against one another.

What didn’t make sense to Ben was why an emotional attachment to you was so wrong. He knew why the Jedi Code forbade it, since it could lead to jealousy and fear of loss, ultimately believing that this would cause a Jedi to fall to the Dark. But that had never sat quite right with Ben. The connection you two had felt eternal, something that would never break. The way he felt around you made him feel even closer to the Light, not further away from it. 

Ben turned onto his stomach and planted his face in his pillow, letting out a deep groan. He had no idea what he was going to say to you tomorrow, let alone if he could bear to see your face after how much he knew he must’ve hurt you. 

He finally tried to settle and go to sleep, but his mind was still restless. Lying awake on his back, one thing from the vision stuck with him through the night, the name that the voice called out.

_ Kylo Ren. _

He just couldn’t shake the fact that he felt that the name belonged to someone he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing Ben's POV was difficult but oh so worth it to me. definitely going to include a few more Ben POV chapters in the future!!  
> chapter 7 is in the works and should be up soon :)  
> also shoutout to my best friend dani for reading over and editing these past two chapters for me you a real one.


	7. A New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Reader's POV
> 
> You and Ben go on a journey across the island to build your lightsaber.

You woke up the next morning, eyes groggy, as you sat up in your bed. Wiping the hair out of your face, you lifted a hand to open the door slightly with the Force, allowing the sun to creep in through the door and illuminate the hut. Last night felt like a dream and a nightmare all wrapped up in one, and part of you wondered if maybe it _was_ just a dream. Maybe Ben never came into your hut, maybe he didn’t kiss you, maybe he didn’t have your world in his hand and shatter it in a second. You would rather have never kissed him at all than feel the pain of rejection after being able to know what it was like to feel his lips on yours. Slowly, you stood up and went into the small refresher to splash some water on your face and change your clothes, and that’s when you knew it was no dream.

When you stripped off your sleep shirt, you saw the imprint of hands on your upper arms and shoulders, an imprint that belonged to Ben. No, Ben didn’t do that to you. Whatever was possessing his mind did that to you, but you knew you couldn’t let him see. As hurt as you were that he had left you spiraling after he kissed you and then promptly hid away in his hut, you didn’t care any less about him. In fact, you might’ve cared more, if that was even possible, because you knew he was struggling with balancing his life, and kissing you was probably one of the most confusing things he had done to himself. 

“There is no passion, only peace.” One of the integral statements of the Jedi Code. You and Ben broke that last night, allowing yourselves to engage in such an expression of your emotions. Breaking the Code was not as big of a deal to you as it was to him, even if it should be. You took for granted the fact that there was no inner turmoil that you went through on a daily basis, no fight between good and evil in your mind. Without a doubt, you felt the Light completely outshone the Dark in your soul, knowing that the risk for you was minimal. But for someone whose entire mind was a grey area, it made sense that he wanted to cling onto any aspects of Light that he could.

You snapped yourself out of your spiraling thoughts as you slipped on your pants and shirt for the day. Conscious of where the marks on your body were, you opted for a black shirt with longer sleeves in order to hide any traces of your skin from his gaze. Walking out of the refresher, you tied your hair into two braids and made your way to your bedside table. You grabbed the crystal off the table and tucked it into your bag, nerves starting to creep into your subconscious.

Of course you had made plans already to build your saber with Ben, why wouldn’t you? Up until now there would be nothing to worry about, but the events of last night were so prominent in your mind it was hard to forget. You huffed as you threw on your shoes and walked to the door, knowing you were about to spend the entire day with Ben, alone, building your weapon.

You were shocked when you opened your door all the way to find Ben standing there, dressed, ready to go. He was holding an apple and tossed it in your direction.

“Th-Thanks,” You spit out. _Stop being so kriffing awkward,_ you were telling yourself. 

“You’re welcome.” He said bluntly. 

Of course. Even when he was being nice to you, he tried to mask it by acting plain towards you, like he wasn’t the one crying into your neck last night.

“How’d you sleep?” You couldn’t help but notice the bags under his eyes and the washed out look on his face. He looked drained, mentally and physically, and you watched as he pushed his hair behind his ears and turned towards the path.

“I didn’t.” That explains the apple. He must’ve gotten out of bed early to grab food for your excursion. Building lightsabers was a bit labor intensive, and judging by how long it took you yesterday at the cave just looking for a crystal that wasn’t even there, preparation was smart.

“Okay… so uh, I have to grab the parts from Lu-”

“Already got them.” He cut you off. You didn’t know if you could handle a whole day of this. He was acting so foreign, and it made you slightly irritated. After all, _he_ was the one who initiated the kiss and _he_ was the one who left you standing there, alone, in the dirt, wearing nothing but a large shirt for kriff’s sake. 

You brushed off his strange attitude and decided to focus your attention on the day ahead of you. Admittedly, you were beyond excited to finally have a lightsaber of your own. Sparring with a staff was fun and all, but on the few occasions Ben had shown you his moves with his saber, you instantly were enamored with both the raw power and sheer elegance of the weapon. The intensity it possessed scared you, but a part of you was excited by it. 

Since Ben already had the parts for you to choose from, there was no need for you to meet with Luke. Master Skywalker had already told you about the construction of lightsabers, and you had spent days studying it, more than you even needed to. Eager was one word to describe it, that was for sure. You trailed closely behind Ben as he led you down the path into the forest, the same path you had taken to get to the caves the day before. 

“How far do we have to walk?” You asked, both because you were curious and also because you wanted to ease some of the uncomfortable tension that you felt yourself drowning in. Ben slowed down, probably sensing that he was making this harder than it had to be. You managed to keep your composure and act like an adult, so why couldn’t he?

“It’s about a two hour walk. The place we’re going is where I built my lightsaber, it’s where I feel the strongest connection to the Force, so I figured it would work for you, too.” Finally, you got more than a three word answer from him. You knew building the saber required you to be in total harmony with the Force, so it made sense that going to the same place as the person you are so connected to should work for you as well.

“Two hours, huh,” You started, skipping ahead of him. “You gonna be gloomy this whole time or what?” You were doing your best to ease the awkwardness between the two of you, hoping to at least interact the way you did before the situation last night. 

Ben could sense you were trying, and he lightened up a little. “I’m sorry, I just, it was a rough night for me…” Feigning ignorance, you prodded him for more than that. 

“C’mon, Ben. We’re adults, it was just a stupid little ki-”

“That’s not what I meant.” You could feel him tense up and you looked over your shoulder, noticing that his face had gone a rosy color. Smiling, you turned your focus back ahead of you, adoring the fact that you had embarrassed him. This was the Ben you were used to, the one you could joke and laugh with. 

“It wasn't stupid,” He mumbled under his breath, almost inaudible, but you caught it. So, looks like he _did_ like it.

“Huh? What was that?” You were taking immense pleasure in messing with him, hoping it would make him a little more bearable for the day ahead of you.

“Nothing. I just,” he started, but he stopped himself. His voice was laced with impatience, and you slowed your pace to meet his. As you stood next to him, you let yourself gaze up to his face, again noticing how truly sickly he actually looked. Maybe you took the joking a little _too_ far.

“I was just messing with you, I’m sorry. I know you had a rough night, but so did I.” You weren’t lying. You had lied awake for quite a while, falling in and out of sleep thinking about the look on Ben’s face when he stepped away from you, like he was terrified of you.

“Not as bad as mine.” He replied quickly. This was getting ridiculous.

“Okay, seriously? I apologized, now stop throwing this little pity party for yourself and lighten-”

“SHH!” Ben clamped his hand over your mouth. You furrowed your eyebrows in anger, thinking he did it to shut you up. Mumbling incoherently against his hand, he shushed you again and dropped to the ground, bringing you with him. Letting go of your mouth, he reached for his bag, and when he lifted it out he was gripping his lightsaber tightly.

_What’s happening?_ You thought, hoping he was listening to you.

_I think someone is following us, but I can’t be sure_. He motioned with his eyes for you to crawl into the bushes next to the path, and you obeyed. Silently, he followed behind you, taking cover behind a tree as he peered around it.

_Stay calm._ He sent this thought to you and closed his eyes. You knew he was using the Force to sense if anyone was nearby, so you did the same. Neither of you noticed that you were holding hands at this point, allowing the Force to strengthen within each of you.

_I don’t sense anyone. You?_ You asked him.

_Nothing._ The two of you opened your eyes and almost immediately looked down to your hands, still tightly clasped together. Slowly, you pulled your hand from his, watching his face as you did so, which made you confused. He looked dejected as the feeling of your skin against his was taken away, making it even more difficult for you to figure him out. 

Together, the two of you stood up and returned to the path, Ben replacing the lightsaber in his bag. You heard it collide with the box of materials, and your excitement was reignited. Seeing him grab his made you desperately want to be able to do the same, and soon, you could.

“So, what the hell was that?” You were genuinely curious, because Ben had to have actually sensed something to have that reaction.

“I’m just on edge, I,” His voice was downcast, and his overall attitude was despondent. “I think we should talk about last night.”

_What?! We’re only thirty minutes into this journey and he already wants to talk about last night?_

Every effort to push those emotions out of your mind failed as soon as he said it. You had been prepared to ignore it, joke about it at most, but you did _not_ feel ready to talk about it in front of Ben right now.

“Maybe we should wait, ya know, til we get where we’re going.” Your voice was timid, hoping he couldn’t sense the apprehension you felt about the conversation. Talking about it was something you had not thought about, you figured neither of you would want to revisit it. But if you were going to talk about it, you’d much rather it be after you finish what you needed to do. How would you be able to focus on building a lightsaber if the conversation went horribly? You knew deep down you wouldn’t be able to sit and keep a light attitude around Ben if he was going to break your heart with whatever he had to say about it, about how he felt for you.

“You’re right, we’ll just do it later.” He sounded disappointed, but honestly, you didn’t care that much. Why was he so eager to talk about it now? It wasn’t exactly a pleasant subject in your mind.

* * *

You walked in silence for the rest of the journey. Thick, unbearable silence. It was the longest hour and a half of your life, having to trail behind Ben, trying not to think about your feelings in case he took a shot at looking into your mind. Even after last night, you couldn’t bring yourself to create a complete mental block from him, it just didn’t feel right to you. You knew this would pass, and eventually you’d be back to normal.

That word stuck with you. _Normal_. What about your life was normal at all? You felt naive to think that anything could ever be normal again, but a little part of you was optimistic.

“We’re here.” Ben stopped and turned to look at you, watching your jaw drop. As you stepped up next to him, you let yourself take in the view in front of you.

The scenery was breath taking. You were on the edge of a beach, with tremendous rocks sticking out of the sand everywhere. The waves that crashed into the shore were a cerulean blue, a sharp contrast to the light, almost translucent, sand.

Ben nudged your shoulder, “C’mon, Ace. You’ve got a lightsaber to build.”

You smiled. _Ace_. You felt a sense of normalcy return as he called you that nickname, sensing that maybe he was feeling a little less grumpy now. Quickly, you followed after Ben as he walked toward the edge of the dirt where it met the sand. He took off his shoes and you did the same, and the feeling of sand between your toes transferred you into a state of pure bliss. As you approached the water, accompanied on either side by the rocks that were even larger as you stood next to them, you felt the power within you grow stronger.

The Force was incredibly strong in this area. Ben was right. You felt as though the energy flowed through you with every breath, making your whole body feel like it was otherworldly. This whole place, it felt dreamlike.

Ben took a seat in the sand and rummaged around in his bag for something. He lifted out two things, a blanket and a box, and unrolled the former to set the box down on. Taking your place across from him, you too reached into your bag, and pulled out your Kyber crystal. As strong as the connection had been, it was transcendent now. It was as if the crystal and you were one, an extension of your spirit.

You placed the crystal on the blanket in front of you and waited for instruction from Ben. He opened up the box and laid out various materials, and you watched as the components were shuffled around on the blanket. 

“Now,” Ben said, lifting his gaze to meet your own. “Go with your gut. You will be drawn to certain materials for a reason, the same way the crystal drew you in in the…” He stopped and stuttered for a moment. You knew he was going to say “the same way the crystal drew you in in the cave,” but obviously that hadn’t gone according to plan.

You reached out and patted him on the knee. “Ben, relax. I found my crystal, even if it was a bit unconventional. Er, well, you kinda found it for me, but, that’s beside the point.” Technically, if Ben hadn’t lifted that crystal out of his pocket, you may have never known. He didn’t exactly explain to you how he knew it would work, but you were too excited to have gotten your crystal to care.

“Right, sorry, anyway,” He continued. “Once you pick out the pieces, you’re gonna have to meditate for a while. It took me several hours before the pieces formed correctly, so just be patient.” Patience was one thing you had, especially in a place as beautiful as this. You could have sat there all day doing nothing and you would have been perfectly content.

You nodded your head in acknowledgement and got to work. There were a lot of small parts that would be configured into your hilt, so you just reached for whatever felt right. After about ten minutes, you had laid out all the things you needed, from focusing lens to pommel cap. Even though it was deconstructed, you knew you had made the right choices for your weapon.

Ben had been silently meditating while you chose your parts, so you reached over and tapped him on the shoulder to tell him you were ready. He fluttered his eyes open, looked at the layout, and gave you a shy smile. You didn’t know it, but he was so proud of you. You had come so far, and now you were about to take a huge step towards becoming a true Jedi Knight. Initiation was the only thing you needed after this, and it’s basically a done deal once you’ve made it this far.

“Alright, now is the tricky part. You have to focus all of your energy on this blade, letting the Force bring it together, connecting it to your crystal and through association, you.” 

“Got it.” You could hardly wait, and it was obvious. Ben’s smile was even bigger now, and that was the last thing you saw before closing your eyes.

_And don’t worry._ You heard in your mind. _I’ll be protecting you this whole time. Surrender yourself to the Force, let it guide you._

This put your mind at ease. After the incident in the forest when Ben thought he had heard someone following you, it was only natural that you were a bit on edge about sitting there motionless, eyes closed, in the open for hours on end. You were practically a sitting duck for anything that would have wanted to hurt you, not that there was anything or anyone on this island who would.

* * *

“Wow.” Ben’s voice broke you from your hours long meditation on the beach. 

Slowly, your lids opened and you looked down in front of you, and you were blown away. You finally did it, you had your own lightsaber. The hilt was smooth, with a grid like pattern for the grip. A small circle perturbed between the handle and the top, which would guard your hand. Hesitantly, you reached out at the floating hilt, letting it fall into your hands. The metal was cold, but the power that radiated from within was enough to overpower the feeling. It was sturdy, yet elegant in its own way. Pushing yourself off of the ground, you turned away from Ben, your finger hovering over the ignition.

Firmly, you pushed down on the button, and your lightsaber erupted with a burst of purple. You could hear the blade vibrating amidst the calm sounds of nature, and the reflection of it danced in your eyes.

“It’s… it’s…” You couldn’t even speak.

“It’s perfect,” You hadn’t even noticed, but Ben was now next to you, admiring the blade. “You did great today. You took even less time than I did,” Now you knew he was proud, and a little bit envious that you demonstrated such a strong connection to the Force that allowed you to construct it faster than he did.

“I mean, it’s not a race, but I guess I win, huh?” You shot him a playful smile and he laughed in return. 

This. This is what you wanted. The two of you, laughing, letting everything else just fade away like it was unimportant.

“Well, let’s see what you can do with that thing,” He challenged you.

“Really? Already?” A fraction of nerves crept into your cocky demeanor. Sure, it was fine sparring with a wooden staff and getting knocked around a bit, which was happening much less now that you had gotten a bit better, but a lightsaber? This thing could kill either of you in an instant, all it took was one swing.

“Don’t be nervous,” Ben assuaged your fear. He definitely was looking in your mind right now, you could just tell. “You’re ready for this. And I’d like to finally put you in your place.”

You cocked an eyebrow. _Put me in my place?_ You couldn’t help but find that a little arousing, if you were being honest. Ben’s cheeks went red and now you _really_ knew he was looking at your thoughts. You couldn’t help but laugh, good ol’ awkward Ben was back.

“Alright, bring it on,” You twirled the hilt in your hand and a rush of serotonin went through your body. _This_ was power.

“This time, no cheap shots, please,” Ben was referring to the first day of combat class, when your staff strike to his crotch left him rolling around in the dirt.

“Still not over that are we?” You watched as he pulled his lightsaber out of his bag, preparing his stance across from you.

“Nope. You know, I never did get to give you that payback I promised you…” Ben moved towards you like he was stalking his prey, his eyes locked on your form. His saber ignited with a loud noise, and now you were definitely a little afraid of what exactly his plan of punishment was.

You swallowed your nerves and got ready for his attack, blocking it with ease. The two of you dealt jabs and swings endlessly, each of you blocking the others' attacks. The way you two moved so fluidly made the display almost beautiful, like a dance, but this was much different than that. Ben let out a feral grunt as he thrust his saber towards you, which you batted away.

“Good, good! You’re doing great. Keep up that fire, that intensity!” Ben was taking immense pleasure out of watching you fight, clearly satisfied with how much you had progressed since first coming to the Temple.

You scoffed, “Please, this isn’t even _hard_ , I could take you with one hand tied behind my back.”

Oops. You regretted it as soon as you said it. Ben raised an eyebrow and lifted his free hand, using the force to pin your left arm behind your back.

“That’s not fair!” You writhed against the Force Hold on your arm, trying to break free.

“But you said you could beat me with one hand, Ace. Let’s see you try,” Ben charged with another offensive swipe, which you struggled to combat. Not having your arm threw your body totally off balance, and it was hard enough fending off his impressive moves with both of your arms. But you were not prepared to let him know that.

You lunged forward, performing a horizontal slice with your lightsaber, which Ben blocked easily. The two sabers had collided, now locked in a power struggle between the two of you. You just knew this wouldn’t end well. Ben increased the pressure he was putting in your blade, walking you slowly backward until your back collided with a rock. With one final push, you lost your balance and fell on your ass, scraping your arm against the rock. You felt the material of your shirt tear at the shoulder, and you pouted, your now free arm coming forward to cross with the other in a sign of defeat.

Ben let out a hearty laugh, extending a hand to you to help you up.

“Well _that_ was certainly worth the wait.” He gripped your hand tightly and pulled you up, when he noticed the rip in your shirt. “You did well. Sorry about the shirt, though,” He gestured to the tear. 

You smiled up at him. “It’s just a shirt, no worries. That was the most fun I’ve had in awhile,” Now standing, you made your way over to the blanket on the ground. Ben didn’t follow. You turned around, seeing his eyes locked on your upper body. He moved towards you, slowly.

“Ben, seriously it’s just a rip, I have other sh-”

He cut you off when his hand found your shoulder.

“Did I… do this to you?” 

_Kriff._ You knew he wasn’t talking about the shirt anymore. The day had totally taken your mind off of everything, so you totally forgot about the bruises on your arms, the bruises that were clearly from last night.

His eyes looked lost. Sharply, he pulled his hand away from your shoulder in fear. He looked absolutely horrified that he had done that to you, even though you had already mentally forgiven him earlier that day.

“It’s fine! Really, please, it’s _fine_ , Ben,”

“How can you even say that right now?” He was yelling, tears welling up in his eyes. “He’s right. I am a monster.”

_What?_ You thought to yourself. Who said that? Who told Ben Solo, the nicest boy in this entire galaxy, that he was a monster? You shook your head in disbelief.

“No, no you are _not_ a monster, please, come here, just-”

He whispered your name. Not Ace, your name. The way it fell out of his mouth made him sound so hopeless and depressed. “I can’t believe… what was I thinking, how could I,” Ben was reeling, sputtering out incomplete thoughts as he brought his hands to his head and gripped his hair. He pulled violently on his hair and you ran to him.

You laid your hands on his arms and he jolted back, terrified of even being near you.

“No, just, leave me,” The words came out quietly as a breathy plea.

“No.” Your voice was stern. You were the one who had been affected by it, so you weren’t about to let him spiral out of control for something you had already forgiven. “You are not running away from me this time. Come here,” You threw your arms around him, pulling his large frame down to meet yours.

He released his hands from his own hair and tenderly let his arms fall around you. For the second time in the past two days, here you were, in a tight embrace with him, his tears cascading down his face into your neck. You moved your hand in small circles on his broad back, the other stroking his hair. The pain he felt, you felt it too. You felt every emotion swirling inside of him, his mind was drowning in grief at that moment. 

“Please, let’s go sit.” You whispered into his ear that hovered near your lips. Steadily, he moved his head away from your neck and met your gaze. He gave you a timid nod, and you broke the embrace to move to the blanket, one of your hands finding his and you clutched it for dear life, wishing you could take all of his pain away.

Reaching down, you moved your bags and other objects on the blanket out of the way. Ben sat down first, and you followed, allowing yourself to shimmy right up next to him, not leaving an inch of space between your bodies. Both of you leaned your backs on the rock behind you, allowing your sight to be filled with the magnificence of the water beyond you.

“You wanted to talk, so let’s talk.” The uneasiness you felt about having this conversation was stifled by your need to help Ben feel better, to let him work out what he was going through. He shifted uncomfortably next to you in order to readjust and see your face.

“Well, where do you wanna start?” As frustrating as the question was, considering he’s the one who originally proposed this discussion, you wanted him to be comfortable, and that meant not getting upset.

“Let’s start with last night, I guess,” Truthfully, if you were to start anywhere, you wanted it to be there. Clearing that up as soon as you could would make it a lot easier on you going forward.

“Yeah, yeah let’s do that.” Ben sat up a bit taller as he collected his thoughts. “So, I, well…” He trailed off and his shoulders slumped back down. “I don’t even know how to explain this.”

“Did you wanna kiss me or not?” You couldn’t help it. If you didn’t say it, you knew Ben never would, and the two of you would be stuck on this beach all night. Not that that would be such a horrible thing, but it would be nice to sleep in your bed and not have sand anywhere and everywhere.

He let out a deep breath. You braced yourself for what he was about to say, thinking that your world was about to come crashing down and you would have to scramble to pick up the pieces.

“Yes.”

Honestly, you were shocked. You thought for _sure_ that he regretted it after the way he acted immediately after, running to hide in his hut like a child.

“But then, why did you say what you said? Why did you run into your hut and leave me standing there? I was so confused and lost and you just left me out there…” Now you were getting emotional. You held back those pesky tears that were begging to fall, knowing that once you started you wouldn’t stop.

“A bunch of reasons, I guess,” Ben answered. “For starters, I felt totally horrible about _that_ ,” he gestured to your arms, and you laid your hand over your exposed left shoulder, blocking it from his vision. “And I still do.”

“I understand, I do, but when I say I forgive you, I mean it,” You pleaded for him to accept it. This was not his fault, at least not to you. It was whatever was plaguing his mind, causing him to struggle on a daily basis. “As far as I’m concerned, you didn’t even do this. It’s whatever is in there that did this,” You pointed at his head, and then let your hand fall into your lap.

“That’s what I really want to talk to you about.” You knew he was about to divulge the full details of his nightmare, even if he hadn’t explicitly said it. Preparing for what he was about to discuss, you rotated your body entirely towards his, showing him that he had your full attention and you were ready to help him. 

“Like I said, the nightmare I had last night… it was really, _really_ bad. I stayed up the whole night thinking about whether or not I should tell you about it, and I’m still not entirely sure if I should,” You watched as his eyes fell to his hands, his fingers fidgeting as he grappled with his decision.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” You offered to him. “But remember, I’m always gonna be here. Doesn’t matter what you tell me.” His hands stopped fidgeting and he took a deep breath.

“Okay, just know this before I tell you,” Suddenly, his arms had shot out to grip yours and he stared at you intently with heartfelt eyes. “I will always protect you. I don’t care about the Code, I don’t care about Luke’s warnings. Not only does our connection make me stronger, I feel so much more pull to the Light around you. I am not letting go of _this_ or you because of some stupid rule.”

You were relieved. You had felt the same way about the concept, and not just because of your still indescribable feelings for Ben. A bond such as yours that had only grown since childhood was not something you were willing to throw away. This was an emotional attachment that you and Ben both knew would stand the test of time, even if you were worlds apart.

“I feel the same,” You replied, wanting to let him know that you were on the same page, so he could relax and trust you with what he was going to say.

“So,” Ben let out a long, drawn out breath as he refocused himself and released your hands. “The nightmare. It was violent. And graphic. And confusing.” You watched as he struggled to string together the words to describe his horrible vision, coaxing him on with your eyes.

“A voice called me something, a name, a name that I can’t help but feel belongs to someone I know, maybe it’s even me.” He paused, and you took the opportunity to ask him a question.

“Ben, is this the same voice that called you a monster? Because you’re not, you really aren’t,” Sympathy dripped from your words.

“No. Luke called me that, when I had an outburst, once.”

You were appalled that Luke would say that to anyone, let alone his own nephew. Studying your face, Ben quickly followed up, telling you that it was a long time ago and he had forgotten about it almost entirely until he saw your bruises today.

“Regardless, I don’t like that he would ever say that to you,” You were adamant about your position, and Ben knew it wasn’t worth trying to change your mind. “Anyways, back to the vision. Do you have any idea who the voice is? What else happened?”

“No idea.” Ben replied. “Obviously I’m assuming it’s someone who is aligned with the Dark Side, especially considering what they said to me,” His eyes darted all over, almost like he was trying to shake something from his head.

“What? What did he say?” Shakily, Ben met your eyes with his own once more. 

He spoke in a whisper, “It said I had to submit to the Dark Side, or…” The second half of his sentence was incoherent. You weren’t entirely sure if he had even tried to speak or if he had just mouthed the words.

“Or what?”

“Or I’d lose you forever.” He finished the thought.

_Oh._ Now you saw why he was so hesitant to tell you. In the back of your mind, you started to put something together, but not before Ben spoke again.

“And, there’s more, the vision itself,” Somehow, you knew what he was going to say next. “You were, you were there, and, well you were-”

“Dead?” You finished his sentence. He solemnly nodded as he scanned your face for some sort of reaction. Your face was plain, your mind busy piecing things together. “So… so that’s why my body reacted the way it did last night? That’s why I felt fire on my skin?”

“Yes, in the nightmare, I was holding you, and we were surrounded by flames.” He paused. “And then, after we, uh, well,”

“Kissed?” Again, you had to complete his thought for him.

“Yeah, after we kissed, when I stepped back, I saw something horrible. I saw you, standing there, but your body, you were covered in fire, _that’s_ why I ran from you. I was scared that I was putting you in danger, putting both of us in danger by letting myself act on what I felt.”

That’s when you put it together. Your vision in the cave yesterday, Ben’s nightmare, the image of you on fire, they were all connected.

“Ben, I,” You stopped. How were you supposed to tell him that a voice had told you that you would be the one whose decision affected Ben’s life forever? That what you chose would result in either his descent into darkness or his rise to the light? But, you knew you had to tell him. Maybe, if the two of you knew about everything the other was seeing, you could figure it out together, you could find a way to ensure he would never be corrupted by the Dark Side.

“My vision in the cave. I need to tell you about it,” Ben shifted in front of you, giving you his full attention. “At first, I saw something similar to what you saw. There were flames everywhere, and all I could sense was death and destruction, but then a blinding light replaced it, and I felt soft and calm. It was a short moment, but then I heard a voice…” You swallowed the lump in your throat as you watched his eyes dart across your face.

  
  


“This voice, what did it say? Did it say what mine did?”

“Not exactly, no,” At this point, you reached out a hand to his face, laying it on his cheek. “It said that it was your future, these two different images and feelings. The voice, it told me that _I_ have a choice to make, that _I_ could be the reason you follow either of those paths, depending on what I do.” A sense of relief washed over you as you finally got it off of your chest.

Ben, however, looked extremely confused, and you dropped your hand from his face. “Wait, what decision? What choice?”

“I have no idea. That was all it said, and then the vision ended.”

“You have to promise me something right now.” His voice was stern, but not in a demanding way. It was threaded with concern, not control, his face told you that. “No more secrets, either of us. This person, they’re trying to separate us, force us to isolate ourselves, but that’s not gonna happen.”

“But, Ben, what if it’s the opposite? What if us being connected is actually a bad thing? What if the Jedi Code is right, that this, attachment, could hurt us?” 

You felt Ben’s calloused hands on your skin as he delicately interlaced his fingers with yours. His eyes were like pools of honey, the gold flecks overflowing the brown. 

He spoke softly, calmly, while maintaining eye contact with you. He let your name roll off of his tongue, the sound of it coming from his mouth sent chills down your spine. 

“I’m not saying we should be acting on all of our emotional desires,” His hand raised to ruffle his own hair, his signature move when he was uncomfortable or embarrassed. You knew what he meant. As of right now, the only way you should be allowing any emotional attachment to remain was through protection from the Dark Side, and that you would have to abandon your impulses to act on your innermost feelings of wanting to be intimate with each other. As hard as that was to accept, it was for the best. If that could be the difference that saved Ben, you were willing to suppress those tender thoughts in your head.

“I promise. No more secrets, no more shutting each other out of our thoughts. We have to be open with each other if this is going to work, if we are committed to keeping the darkness out for good.” The two of you smiled at each other, but you could sense the slight tinge of pain behind his eyes, and you knew he was thinking the same thing as you.

The normalcy that you craved, it was back, but not in the same way. Nothing would ever be the same again. Those confusing feelings you had for Ben, they were being stifled. You barely had the chance to explore them, to let them develop into something. You just hoped that sacrificing those emotions would make a difference, that it would all be worth it.

_Maybe this is the decision I had to make to save him_. You thought to yourself. Maybe deciding to give up on a happy future with Ben was the choice you had made, maybe that was your hard conclusion you had come to. Maybe Luke was right, maybe the Code wasn’t so dumb after all. If letting go of passion resulted in a stronger pull to the Light for Ben, maybe that was it.

  
If only it could be that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH this chapter took me forever because there were so many things I wanted to include!!!  
> thank you for reading and for all of the kudos and lovely comments, they mean everything!! <3


	8. "Lack of Discretion"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben deal with the repercussions of your actions.

After the emotionally and physically taxing day you and Ben had together, you were thankful to be back tucked in your bed that night, finding yourself relatively at peace after the conversations the two of you had on the beach. You had finally made your lightsaber, you were able to talk about your vision, and the two of you had come to an agreement about your attachment. As hard as it would be to ignore those feelings that bubbled in your stomach whenever you were around him, you found solace in the fact that removing those emotions from your consciousness could be the answer to protecting Ben.

Now you were ready to focus on your training even further and prepare for your initiation as a Jedi Knight. You beamed at the thought of being able to wear your robes and become recognized as part of the New Jedi Order, a group that was becoming increasingly relevant due to the recent actions of the First Order. The sinister First Order was growing stronger every day, under the direction of a Supreme Leader Snoke. It was clear that the Jedi would be a necessity for any of the Resistance that remained if they were to survive, or possibly if they needed to fight back. It was this state of the galaxy that made Ben’s predicament that much worse, because you knew if the First Order ever got their hands on him, there would be no way to save him from their manipulation and torture. 

You promised yourself that you would never let Ben be compromised, not only because of how much you cared about him, but also because you knew how powerful he was. If they somehow managed to get him to turn to their cause, there was no telling what they would use his strength to accomplish, and you knew Ben would never forgive himself for the harm he could potentially bring others. Shaking the thought out of your head, you curled up under your blanket and reached out to Ben in your mind. 

_ Just wanted to say thanks for helping me out today and everything. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else with me. _

He responded through the tether almost instantly.

_ Of course, I had fun today. Thank you for being there for me, too. _

You closed your eyes and a smile formed. Today was about so much more than just building your lightsaber. Today, you and Ben finally put all of your trust in each other, connecting you even more than you already were. It was clear that things between the two of you were back to normal, even if there was an unspoken physical tension that you had to ignore.

_ All I know is, you better watch out tomorrow at combat training. I’ve thought of some new moves to try out. _ You jabbed at him, playfully.

_ Oh yeah? I dare you. _

Your cheeks flushed. Every time you sparred with Ben, that spark between the two of you ignited, the physicality of your actions always leaving you panting within a close proximity of each other. There was an undeniable air of attraction as the two of you would stand there staring at each other, sweating, out of breath. The way his jet black hair stuck to his face with beads of sweat illuminating his skin, the way his eyes had a sense of ferocity as the golden flecks shimmered against the deep brown, the way you could see his muscles rippling under his shirt and all you wanted to do was…

_ Ace? _

Kriff. You had been so caught up in daydreaming about something that can’t even happen, you had completely forgotten to carry the ongoing conversation you were having with Ben.

_ Sorry! Just got… distracted by something. _

You sat there kicking yourself for not coming up with something better than that.

_ Yeah, I can tell. Goodnight, I’ll see ya bright and early tomorrow. _

His voice drifted out of your consciousness and you sat there, totally embarrassed. You knew he had just seen what you were thinking, what you were feeling as you thought about him.

You quickly returned a timid,  _ Night, _ in your mind and threw your head into your pillow.

This was gonna be a lot harder than you thought.

* * *

“How’d you sleep?” Ben was in great spirits in the morning. The two of you were sitting in the mess hall, munching on your usual breakfast of fruit and some bread.

“Fine, I guess. I was dead tired after the day we had honestly,” You bit into the fruit in your hand and dropped your eye contact with Ben. Now  _ you _ were the one being awkward after he had seen your thoughts about him last night. You couldn’t help it, the two of you had agreed that your emotional attachment should not go beyond a close friendship for the sake of protecting both of you from the Dark Side, so for him to see you straight up fantasizing about him while having one of your typical nightly conversations? Pretty bad.

“Any good dreams?” Your cheeks flushed a bright red as you shot him daggers with your eyes. A sinister smile was plastered on his face, and his right eyebrow was cocked in amusement at your discomfort. 

“Nope. Nothing good at all.” You responded, trying your best to get a rise out of him, but it didn’t work. He simply rolled his eyes as he lifted an apple to his mouth and bit down.

Maybe it was because the two of you knew it couldn’t happen, that acting on those feelings was forbidden, that made you want to  _ so _ much more. That certain element of danger and secrecy excited you, the thought of having to sneak around and also being so close to the edge of ruin. That excitement that you had also scared you. Why were you so intrigued by danger, by the element of darkness in it? That was exactly why it couldn’t happen, the risks were too big, and you knew that, but part of you wanted to just indulge yourself and let your feelings for Ben blossom.

You shuffled your thoughts to the back of your head and got up to walk to meditation. Following Ben out of the mess hall, you made your way towards your first class of the day, just wanting to get through it and onto combat. Now that you had your lightsaber, you felt more purpose when practicing with your staff in class. Even though it was not the same weapon, it was easy to translate the moves from the staff to the saber, as you had seen yesterday when you and Ben practiced on the beach. Just knowing that the moves you learned in class would be useful when you used your lightsaber made you that much more dedicated to paying attention and really learning.

The two of you took your spots at the back of the room like you always did, letting the craziness of your life melt away from your mind. You entered a meditative state and shut out the world around you with ease, slowly letting your body fall in rhythm with your breathing.

Class went quickly to you, it always did now that you knew what you were doing. As you stood up from your mat, you heard your name being called in the front of the room, knowing that the person calling you was Luke. You looked quickly at Ben, who nodded his head.

“I’ll wait outside.” He lifted up his things and made his way to the door while you did the same but veered to the front of the room, where Master Skywalker was now standing, arms behind his back.

“Hi, Master Skywalker. You wanted to see me?” Your body was shaking slightly as his eyes rested on you, something you found to be very unnerving. There was no reason to be this scared, you hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, besides practicing and maintaining a Force Bond with Ben. And kissing him. And agreeing not to tell Luke about any of the visions you were having. So, well, maybe you did have a valid reason to be freaked out by the impending conversation.

“Yes.” His eyes scanned the room to make sure nobody else was around. Assured of the privacy the two of you had, Luke focused his eyes on you. “It’s come to my attention that you have directly disobeyed one of the only things I asked of you when you first got here. And not just that, but you have broken a pillar of the Jedi Code. I assume you know what I am referring to?”

Your cheeks felt red hot as Master Skywalker held an intense stare on you. He  _ knew. _ He knew about everything you were doing with Ben, everything that you knew was wrong, but you had done anyway.

Barely audible, you choked out, “Yes, Master.” You felt your head fall, eyes glued to your own feet, sensing that Luke was still staring at you with an air of immense judgment.

“Care to explain? 

_ Really? He seriously wanted me to  _ explain  _ why we use the Bond, and why I have an emotional attachment to him? He’s gotta be kidding. _

“Um, well, the Bond, I guess, it helps us feel safe,” You knew you had to tread carefully with your words, avoiding the subject of the visions you and Ben had been experiencing. “The, uh, lack of  _ discretion _ , from the other night,” Your hands were fidgeting like crazy as you worked out how to explain kissing Ben without outwardly saying that you thought the rule was stupid in the first place. He waved his hand in front of you to silence your train of thoughts as you attempted to fumble your way through an explanation.

“That’s enough.” His voice was stern, but not unforgiving. There was a hint of understanding, which you thought couldn’t be right. How in the galaxy would Luke understand what the two of you were dealing with that day? The day that you had a vision telling you a choice you would make could decide Ben’s fate. The day that Ben had a nightmare about holding your lifeless body in his arms as you were engulfed in flames. It was so complicated, the connection you two had, how could Luke even try to accept it?

“It seems,” He picked up with his thoughts. “The connection you and my nephew have. It may be an exception of sorts.” You finally lifted your head up to see Luke’s concerned face. Was he saying you weren’t in trouble, that what you and Ben were doing wasn’t wrong?

“Ben, he’s a difficult case. Ever since he got here, I could sense the great troubles in his mind, the threat of the darkness that crept around in his subconscious. But, somehow,” He paused and gave you an incredulous look. “He’s been different, since you’ve arrived. Even with you two being reckless and using your Force Bond, I can feel the conflict within him dissipate.”

“So, you’re saying, it’s okay? Okay for us to have this connection and attachment?” You spoke with bewilderment in your voice, truly astonished that you were somehow not at fault for this.

“No. Not exactly. The only reason you are still here is because of Ben. Because I promised Han and Leia I would always protect him from evil, to help him on the path of the Light.”

_ Oh,  _ you thought, knowing that this was about more than you and Ben just breaking some rules.

“The only reason you have not been sent away for your obvious rejection of several Jedi principles is because of Ben. I fear that with you gone, there would be no hope in preventing him from turning. You two have already let your attachment go too far, that if I were to sever that now, you would both be lost.  _ This _ is why the Code is against such emotions, as I am sure you can see now.”

He wasn’t wrong. You knew that if you and Ben were ever separated, it was possible that he would let the darkness take control of his mind altogether as a result of losing you from his life. 

“I… I see. I do.” You managed to stutter out in response, unsure of what else to even say at this point.

“That being said,” Luke began. “You are not being sent away. It is now that I must urge you to exercise caution with Ben. If you so much as feel the presence of something sinister in either of your minds, you need to tell me. And in terms of your emotions for each other, they end here. Like I said, because they are already so prevalent, it is dangerous to cut you two off completely. However, it goes no further. No more, shall we say, momentary lapses of _discretion_ .”

You swallowed the lump in your throat that had been developing throughout the time Luke was lecturing you. With a timid nod, you indicated that you understood his rules. “I understand.”

“I would hate to see you get let out of the next initiation ceremony for your mistakes.” 

That stung. The threat of not being allowed to be recognized as a true Jedi Knight struck a chord inside of you. All of the work you had been doing, everything that was yet to come would be for nought if you weren’t initiated. Even though part of you knew he was right, you hated it, the feeling of being treated like a child. None of the visions have even come to fruition, so you felt that the threat of danger was minimal, making this conversation feel somewhat pointless to you. You and Ben had already agreed not to take things any further in terms of your attachment, Luke didn’t need to tell you that. But with the thought of not being allowed into the New Jedi Order, you knew you had to take it much more seriously.

“Yes, Master. I would hate that too.” You did your best to hide the spite in your voice as you responded to his warning.

“Good. You may proceed with your day,” With a turn of his body, you watched as he walked away, robes flowing behind him. 

Remembering the conversation from yesterday, you knew you would have to tell Ben. After promising not to keep secrets, you knew he would be able to tell if you were keeping something from him. But, you had to think about how to phrase it without saying the only reason you were still here was because Luke knew Ben would be destroyed if you were sent away now. You mulled it over in your head as you approached the exit, knowing he would be right outside, waiting.

Sure enough, he was propped against the outside wall, and upon seeing you come out he got off and made his way over to you. The two of you fell in stride as you walked across the path on your way to combat training, the thought of which was not nearly as exciting as it usually was.  _ No more lapses of  _ _discretion_ , you had to keep reminding yourself. 

“So, what was that all about?” Ben finally broke the silence and snapped you into consciousness. You half expected that he would have just been listening in on the conversation since you hadn’t put up a mental barrier ahead of speaking with Luke.

“Let’s just say, he knows about some recent events. And he isn’t too happy with me about them, but he is cutting me some slack,” Vague, but true. The more general you kept the explanation the better. You didn’t have the heart to tell him that the only reason you weren’t on the next ship out of here was because of him, knowing that even the thought of you leaving would spark a fuse inside of him.

“Why didn’t he talk to me too? I just, I feel bad, that had to be pretty embarrassing for you,” As if on cue, his hand was ruffling his hair, his cheeks tinted a rosy color. 

“Not sure, but whatever. It’s over now at least.” Your blunt statement caused you two to drop the subject altogether, just in time as you found yourselves on the training grounds. You made your way to the open area across the dirt, staff in hand. The grounds were empty today, meaning you had the whole spot to yourselves. This was always a bonus, because you could really let loose and not be confined to just one small area, always having to make sure you weren’t backing into other students swinging their staffs around.

“So, how about those new moves you promised?” Ben was looking right at you, a smile tugging at his lips as his eyes bore into you.

“Uh…” You were lost. He studied your face, his mouth erupting into a big toothy grin as he saw how truly confused you were.

“Last night? You don’t remember?”

You let out a heavy sigh, now realizing what he was referencing.

_ “All I know is, you better watch tomorrow at combat training. I’ve thought of some new moves to try out.” _

It’s like your own subconscious was  _ trying _ to see you fail miserably at ignoring your attraction to Ben.  _ Seriously,  _ you thought to yourself,  _ did I really have to flirt with him so obviously? _

“Oh right, that, yeah,” You stumbled across your words, trying to gain some composure.

“Show me what you got, Ace.” Ben was now gripping his staff in a defensive stance, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. With those words, you channeled the competitive side of you, hoping you could funnel all of your emotions inside into this training session.

You twirled the staff in your hand as you stood up across from him, willing your body to use all of its energy and strength in this moment. Just once, you wanted to beat him just once in combat, and that’s the thought you kept in your head as you lunged forward with your first offensive move.

One after the other, the two of you exchanged attacks. The two of you were gridlocked in a tight battle, neither of you out-performing the other. Panting, you looked at Ben and wiped the sweat off of your forehead, then tossing your braids behind your head. You could sense the cockiness in his body as he moved with a purpose in fluid movements towards you.

Patience. You needed to exercise patience. You watched as he moved slowly towards you with calculating steps, and you took your time. Rather than raising your staff in defense, you let him swing, your mind watching in slow motion as the staff rounded his body and came within inches of your own. Right before he struck you, you pivoted, ducking underneath the strike and unleashing your own attack as you popped up behind him, sweeping his legs out from underneath him. You watched with immense satisfaction as his mountainous body fell to the ground with a loud thud, his arms and legs splayed out wide as he laid on his back in defeat.

“YES!” You didn’t even try to contain the excitement that was coursing through your body, the feeling of victory against Ben igniting happiness in you. Walking over to his body still on the ground, you leaned over him and smiled as wide as you could. He huffed, closing his eyes, not wanting to see your face relishing in the success of taking him down. You wouldn’t let him off that easy.

“I mean, come on, did you see that? That was pretty good if I do say so- OH!” Now it was your body falling to the ground, dust erupting around your frame as you closed your eyes and braced for impact. Before even opening your eyes, you felt his body on top of yours, his breath hitting you in the face. Laying on the ground, you felt his legs straddling against the sides of your own, his sweaty hair tickling your forehead. Opening your eyes, you saw his face within inches of your own, while he supported himself on his arms on either side of your head.

He looked feral as he panted heavily above you, the sweat on your own skin mixing with his as it cascaded off of his hair onto your face. His eyes were locked with yours, and you felt him apply pressure to your body. He had pressed your legs closer together with your own, and he reached his hands out to clutch your wrists. You were immobilized, struggling under the weight of him.

_ This _ is exactly what you were afraid of. Sure, it was fine to daydream about it, but the image you fantasized about last night was no longer just a fantasy. You tilted your head to the side and saw the veins on his forearms practically pulsing, and you gulped. Returning your head back to center, you saw the coy smile on his lips. You shivered as he lowered his face next to your ear, whispering to you.

“We may not be able to act on them, but I want you to know how I feel right now,” Ben invited you into his mind, and you were instantly overwhelmed with the warm sensations of lust and passion. It was painstakingly clear how much Ben wanted to kiss you, how much he wanted to just take you right there in the open area.

You felt Ben make his way into your mind, no doubt to see if you were experiencing the same things as he was. Surrendering your walls, you welcomed him into your thoughts, allowing him to see everything you felt in that moment. 

Desire. Want. Yearning.  _ Need _ .

Though you would deny it outwardly, your mind was screaming with how much you needed Ben, and his was doing the same.

You watched Ben’s face rise from your ear, hovering over your face once again. So much of you wanted to just pull his face down into yours, to fill all of your senses with nothing but him, but you couldn’t. You saw his eyes fall to your lips, and you panicked. 

He had released most of the tension on your wrists and legs, giving you just enough freedom to push him off of you. You quickly stumbled up onto your feet, dusting off your clothes as you situated yourself.

“I- I have to go,” You swiftly picked up your bag and ran.

You heard Ben yell out your name, “Wait! Don’t, please just, wait!”

You let your feet carry you all the way back to your hut. Once inside, you threw your bag onto the bed and came crashing down beside it. Throwing the pillow over your head, you let out a guttural yell into it, letting the material absorb your frustration. After lying there to decompress, you rolled out of bed and into the refresher. Still soaked with sweat, both yours and Ben’s, you figured a cold shower would be just the thing you needed. You were lucky in that you had no more lessons for the remainder of the day, since Luke gave you and the others who built your lightsabers this past weekend the week off from your more non-essential classes.

Leaving your boots at the door, you went into the refresher and rid yourself of your dirty clothes. Tossing the clothes aside, you untied your braids and let the hair cascade down your back before stepping into the shower. The burst of cold water made your body erupt in goosebumps as it washed over you. The sound of water hitting your skin filled your ears and you melted away into the calmness of the shower. 

Even after washing your body and hair, you stayed in there for a few extra minutes, allowing the water to roll over your body, hoping it could bring you a prolonged period of relaxation and ease your stress. You had felt badly for running from Ben, but you were reassured that he knew why. It’s not like you hadn’t been feeling the same things for him, you were just too afraid of slipping up. Knowing he would understand, you let the events of the day release from the forefront of your mind as you turned off the shower and stepped out.

You snatched the towel that was hanging off the sink and toweled off your body, realizing you forgot to bring an extra set of clothes into the refresher with you. No big deal, you just wrapped the towel tightly around your body and reached for the door. Slowly opening it, you noticed that your main door to your hut was slightly ajar. Dismissing it as the wind, you reached out a hand to use the Force and closed it, now fully entering your room.

Your heart jumped when you noticed the figure sitting on your bed.

“OH MY-”

“Shh shh relax! It’s me! I just, oh…” You watched as he lifted his gaze from the parchment he had been writing on in his lap, now realizing why you were so flustered. He quickly averted his gaze, bringing his hand up to shield his eyes and give you privacy. “I’m so, I had no idea, I-”

“Ben, how did you not hear the shower running and think, ‘huh maybe she’s in there and I shouldn’t just sit and wait for her when she comes out in a towel’? In  _ what _ world is that the sane thing to do?” You could feel your hair still dripping on your neck and back and clutched even tighter at the towel covering your body.

“I’m sorry! I figured you brought clothes in with you, that’s what I do!”

You let go of your pent up disbelief in how dumb he must have been to sit there while you showered, realizing he was partially right. It just happened to be the one time you absentmindedly showered without bringing a change of clothes, and you were grappling with embarrassment as you stood there, soaking wet.

“Yes, well, I forgot my clothes out here.” You stated. “Would you mind keeping your eyes shut while I grab some from the chest, please?” You gestured to the end of the bed, knowing full well he couldn’t see your hand movements.

“Of course, again, I’m sorry,” He was practically fumbling over his words as he shifted uncomfortably in your bed, his parchment being shifted down his torso and into his lap. 

Carefully, you made your way to the end of the bed to grab some lounge clothes, figuring you wouldn’t be leaving your hut again today. Picking them up out of the chest, you returned to the refresher.

“Just, stay put. I’ll be two seconds.” You let a smile crack as you watched Ben nod, hand still gripped tightly on his eyes with the other still aggressively holding the parchment in place. You slipped on a large shirt and some shorts, then dried off your hair with the towel in hand. Finally, you tossed your hair up, wrapped in the towel, and returned to the other room.

“Alright, you can put your hand down,” You didn’t even try to hide your smile now as Ben dropped his hand from his face, somehow looking even more embarrassed than you. “Scoot over,” You motioned for him to slide over and took the spot next to him, your backs leaning against the wall, feet hanging off the side of the bed.

Ben looked at you intently, clearly puzzled at how your mood had shifted since leaving the training area. “I came to apologize. I got carried away back there,” referencing the very hot and heavy sparring that had occurred less than an hour earlier. You could hear the apologetic tone, but you also knew he wasn’t  _ that _ sorry. He was only sorry because he knew how difficult and frustrating the whole situation was for the both of you, not that he had basically teased you saying he wanted to kiss you.

“No. Don’t apologize. I’m sorry for running away, I just,” You let out a heavy sigh and fixated your sight on your hands. “Listen, when I talked to Luke earlier, he didn’t just say he knew what happened and that I got a free pass. He knows about the attachment we have and kept saying how dangerous it was already. Basically, if we take it any further, then…” You trailed off. You weren’t sure if you wanted to tell him about the consequences for any further “lack of discretion” as you and Master Skywalker had so delicately put it.

“Then what?” He jumped in, thus making the decision for you.

“Then I may not be allowed into the Order. I wouldn’t get initiated in a few weeks.” You felt selfish even saying it out loud, realizing you were only thinking about yourself.

“That’s not selfish,” Ben addressed your thoughts. “I understand wanting that chance, taking that step to becoming official. It would be hypocritical of me to say you shouldn’t want it, considering it’s something I already have. He would be stupid not to accept you, you’re the second most powerful student here,” You lifted your gaze off of your hands to glare at him, his grin slick with mockery.

“Well, second most powerful student kicked your ass today, so just get used to that,” Ben didn’t even challenge you, he just let his smile widen even more. You loved seeing that smile, his imperfect teeth on display. He didn’t smile much around others, and even if he did, it was more of a slight grin. This smile, his big, goofy, toothy smile, that was an image you kept for yourself. That version of Ben was all yours.

“But seriously,” Ben started again. “Don’t feel selfish. I can’t wait to put those robes around you at the ceremony, so let’s not screw it up, huh?” You beamed at the thought of Ben being the one to grant you the robes that taunted you at the end of the bed. Your body hummed with excitement as you thought about the ceremony, just two weeks away. Two weeks, and you’d be one step closer to being an official Jedi Knight.

“Thank you.” Your hand fell onto his leg, and he let his hand grip yours. With a gentle squeeze, he looked at you, with that glimmer in his eyes that made your body feel weightless. The way he looked at you made you feel otherworldly, like the universe revolved around you in his eyes. You soaked in his gaze and felt warmth overcome your body. If you could just have that feeling for the rest of your life, you’d be content. Even if you two couldn’t act on your clear feelings for each other, if you could always feel the way you felt when he looked at you like that, you would be grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your daily dose of tension ;)  
> i had to include another sparring scene with Ben, i just couldn't resist!!!  
> hope you enjoyed the chapter, next one will be up soon (and will be angst ridden), and as usual thank you for the kind comments and kudos :)


	9. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and you navigate your feelings as you prepare for your Jedi Initiation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV switches twice, they are noted after the page breaks!

The day was almost here. 

It had been two weeks since you constructed your lightsaber, and all the preparations were complete. Tomorrow was the day you were going to be welcomed into the New Jedi Order as a training Knight, meaning you were one step closer to ascending through the process.

The past two weeks were anything but easy. Your nights were spent memorizing aspects of the Jedi Code, usually keeping you up much later than you were used to. After the conversation with Luke during which he pointed out your obvious disdain for multiple Jedi principles, you felt a sense of pressure and need to prove that you were dedicated to show you would be willing to accept the Code’s fundamental pillars. This meant dinner in your hut, no nights spent on the hill, and by now you were sick of your own hut’s four walls that felt like a prison as you slaved over texts and manuscripts. 

The only perk was that Ben helped you prep, which also presented an issue in and of itself. After that day on the training grounds, when he straddled you and basically showed you what he wanted to do in his mind, you two were in unspoken agreement of how you should act around each other. It was strictly studious when he was in your hut, quizzing you on facts about rules and history of the Jedi. Even in your lessons with him, the two of you remained as physically distant as possible, which was obviously not that distant when it came to combat. Basically, no more goofing off together or playful banter when you were training, it was purely educational, which kinda sucked the fun out of it. You just hoped you would get past your own emotions soon so you could go back to the lighthearted, fun nature of your friendship without being hopelessly attracted to each other. 

As you finished up copying down the pillars of the Code on some parchment while seated at the desk in your hut, Ben was sitting on your bed, scribbling something down as well. It was silent in the room, because you basically had to tell him to shut up so you could concentrate. He took no offense, knowing you were stressed beyond belief for the test of sorts you had to take in the morning. It was a formality really, but if you did score perfectly on it, you knew Master Skywalker might be a little impressed, or at least respect you for the effort to understand the rules.

“Done.” You let out a deep sigh as you laid down your writing utensil on the busy piece of paper and pushed your seat backwards. Still sitting, you swung your legs to the side to look at Bem, who was moving his pen furiously across the parchment in his lap, eyes glued to it. You waved your hand in a joking manner to get his attention, but he didn’t budge.

“Uh, helloooo? Ben?” Still nothing. It was like he was in a trance, his mind commanding his hand to move across the page at an unbelievable speed. You got out of your chair and walked over to the bed, putting your hands on his thighs with a loud slap. He was pulled from his focus to see you staring at him with confusion all over your face, and he chuckled.

“Sorry, I just, really had to write something down.” Watching your eyes try to scan the paper, he covered it with his hand swiftly. Still covering it, he slid it off of his lap and into his bag at his side, then shifted his body forward to come to a standing position.

“Do you wanna go to the hill? We haven’t been able to go in a while, and if you study any more your head is gonna explode before you even have a chance to take the test.” His body was towering over yours as he looked down at you. Going to the hill sounded amazing, you definitely needed to relax and unwind after the stressful weeks behind you.

“Yeah, that actually sounds perfect.” You beamed up at him and then turned to grab some of your things. You had gotten into a habit of always carrying your lightsaber with you, for no reason other than how happy you were to have it on hand. The fact that you could also protect yourself with it was just a bonus in your head, considering there has never been a real threat even close to the Jedi Temple. 

You stuffed the weapon into the bag and also placed your journal in there. Over the past two weeks, you’ve taken to decompressing after your study sessions and letting out your emotions with a pen, knowing that no harm could come from some words in a book that only you knew the contents of. The thought of being on the hill with Ben reminded you of when the two of you would sit on the hill back on Chandrila, where you’d spend hours writing the day away with him. There was a small part of you that missed those days immensely, so if you could recreate that feeling tonight, you knew you would be compelled to write it down in the place that felt the most like home to you.

Throwing the bag over your shoulder, you made your way to the door, where Ben was leaning against the frame. He took up the entire width of the door, dwarfing the appearance of your room even more. You sometimes wondered how he was even able to sleep in the small bed, and you laughed to yourself at the thought of him rolling around with his legs flailing off the end.

“I just have to curl up, weirdo,” He had responded to the image in your head of him struggling in his bed, but he was laughing too. 

You strutted through the door, your body gently gliding against his as your body braced for the slight chill in the air. After being cooped up all day, it was refreshing for the temperature to have dropped and to let the air nip at your exposed legs and arms. The deep indigo sky was incredibly clear that night, the stars shining the brightest you had ever seen. Ben had to prevent you from tripping multiple times on the walk to the hill because you kept letting your head fall back in order to watch the twinkling display above you, not watching your feet on the dirt path. You carefully made your way up to the hill and over to your spot, not wasting a second to sprawl out on your back to watch the dazzling night sky.

Ben’s face was beaming with happiness as he watched you be completely drawn in by the natural beauty of the galaxy, and he laid down next to you. His hand found yours, and instead of pulling away, you embraced it. There was nothing wrong with laying there in peace, letting him connect with you as you both focused on the worlds that were far away from you.

“Do you ever think about it?” You said in a low whisper, fearing that a normal volume would take you out of the trance you were in.

“About what?” Ben replied in a similar tone.

“About leaving, about just, exploring the galaxy. I’ve always wanted to do that, you know. Just hop on a ship and cruise through space, letting it take me wherever.” That had always been your dream since you were a little girl. Obviously, your life took a very specific route, which you were thankful for and excited to experience, but sometimes you wondered if you would ever be able to do that in the future.

“I know you do. You used to talk about it all the time back home,” You turned your head to meet Ben’s eyes as he looked at you, eyes laced with intrigue. “I used to want that too, but since coming here, it's not as easy to think about. Most of my life, I’ve just been here. And the state of the galaxy right now, with the First Order, it’s not even safe enough out there really,” His voice expressed the underlying concern he was feeling, and you could tell that he felt stuck. 

“You don’t have to stay here forever, you know,” You offered, trying to make him feel better and remove the thought of being isolated on this planet for so long. “Maybe, well, maybe the Resistance can take out the First Order, and there won’t even be a threat for you anymore!” The illusion of bliss was now gone as you started to discuss a very serious topic. In your mind, nothing was going to stand in the way of someday getting off of this planet, after you had completed your training, and experiencing as much of the galaxy as you could.

“Maybe. But if the Resistance has to fight again, that means my mother and father will be involved, and…” Ben paused and you felt his body tense up. You knew it was a tough subject for him considering he left home at such a young age, and as much as they did it for his own good, you couldn’t fathom how lonely he must have felt leaving Chandrila, leaving his whole life behind at such a young age.

“You don’t have to-”

“No, it’s fine.” Ben cut you off. “I love my parents. I do, it’s just, I guess part of me will never really forgive them for giving up on me. For sending me away, and never once coming to see me. The most interaction I have with them is basically through Luke, and I never know if he’s just making it up to make me feel better about it.”

You winced slightly at the thought. It was hard for you to imagine, because Han and Leia were such kind people. After the death of your father you were on your own, and they practically took you in for a while, making sure you were okay and just generally looking after you. It had never occurred to you that they didn’t talk to Ben directly. Whenever you had asked them about him, they would say he was doing well but that he missed home, and that he missed you. Looking back on it now, you knew there was no way he was telling Luke that he missed you.

“I’m so sorry Ben. That can’t have been easy, but, I know they love you. I saw it in their faces every time they talked about you after you left. There were times, many times, where even the mention of your name brought them to the edge of tears because they missed you so much.”

“And because they probably felt guilty.” Ben’s tone was sharp, and you didn’t want to argue with him about it. After all, it was his family, therefore it was none of your business.

“But, anyway,” He continued, initiating a change in the subject. “I would definitely love to explore the galaxy someday, with you as my co-pilot. Whaddya say, Ace?”

“Absolutely.” You smiled at him, and he squeezed your hand in return, Rolling your head back to face the stars, a cool breeze came along and made you shiver. Before you could even react, Ben pulled you into his body, allowing your head to rest on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around you, your skin now enveloped with his sweater. You felt your body melt into his. It just felt so right, being in his arms. You swung your arm across his chest and nuzzled into him, yearning for that feeling of safety he always brought you. You felt your head rise and fall to the rhythm of Ben’s breathing, and you started to doze off in his embrace. Before you knew it, you were dead asleep on the ground with Ben, perfectly content with your life at that moment.

* * *

_Ben's POV_

He didn’t dare move a muscle for fear of waking you up from your peaceful sleeping. Ben watched as your small body clung to his for warmth, the wind blowing strands of your hair around your face. 

_You look so beautiful_ , Ben couldn’t help but think. As you lay there, perfectly still, only rising and falling to the rhythm of his own breathing, he felt peaceful. He let himself relax, bringing his free hand to rest behind his head, allowing himself to look up at the sky. He was nowhere close to being able to sleep, and he figured you were just mentally exhausted from all the studying you had been doing. He didn’t want to let himself enter a state of meditation either, though, because it was late, and if he did, he would have no idea how much time had passed. You had to be up early for your test, so he knew he would have to either wake you up or carry you back eventually.

Not wanting to disturb your rest just yet, he thought about what he could do. He had brought along his parchment and pen which he had been using to write you something special for the ceremony tomorrow, but he didn’t exactly have use of his hand to write with at this moment. His mind wandered to what you brought, and he pondered it for a minute. Other than your lightsaber, you had brought your journal.

_Is it wrong to read it?_ He thought to himself, trying to weigh if it would be that much different than reading your mind at any given time. Everything in there was probably stuff he knew already anyway. Carefully, he leaned himself up slightly and used the Force to draw the journal from your bag and into his left hand. Reaching over you with the arm you were clutching, he opened it up and flipped to a random page.

> ELona 27 ABY
> 
> It’s been getting easier to control my emotions, but just barely. It’s times like today 
> 
> that I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let go of what I feel for him. I can’t help but 
> 
> feel like my feelings are actually getting stronger the more I try to suppress
> 
> them. I don’t know how to describe it, and I know I can’t talk to Ben about it. He’s 
> 
> got a hard enough time as it is, I don’t need to worry him or bother him even
> 
> more than I already do.

He paused his reading at the end of the paragraph, not sure if he should read on. But something about what you wrote stuck with him. _Worry?_ He kept repeating in his head. _Why would I be worried about how she feels about me?_ His thoughts began to spiral and before he knew it, he was reading the next entry on the page.

> This connection just feels like so much more. I think I know what it is, but I’m 
> 
> scared to even say it to myself. Not only would I be banned from the Order for 
> 
> admitting it, but I don’t know if Ben feels the same either yet. I just can’t help
> 
> but think about the way he looks at me, and I wonder if this is all worth it.
> 
> What if I just renounced my training? But I could never do that to Ben.
> 
> He needs this, and he needs me to be strong and stay with him. Ugh.
> 
> This is all just so confusing. And then it gets even worse when we have combat together.
> 
> Is it so bad that I can’t help but want him to just pin me down and kiss me? But it can
> 
> never happen. Guess I’ll just keep writing it all down in here, forcing
> 
> myself to relive it all the time.

Ben felt his face get hot with embarrassment as he read about the combat part. He had always wanted to do that, to let his passion overtake him, but he and you both knew the amount of trouble that would get you in. Then again, the overall lack of nightmares he had been having and the general absence of darkness in his mind had him wondering if it would be the worst thing to take a chance and act on his instincts.

His mind continued to mull over a few of the lines. 

_‘I think I know what it is, but I’m scared to say it?’ Does she really not think that I feel the same?_

He at least knew the word you were referring to that would result in your immediate expulsion from the Academy and that any chance of being in the Order would be gone. He knew it well, in fact, because he felt the exact same way. Ben wondered if there had ever been Jedi who had disobeyed that rule before, and if they actually had been expelled from the Order. He couldn’t imagine that happening, especially now, since the existence of them was so few and he knew that there would come a time when the Resistance would call on them to fend off the imminent domination of the galaxies by the First Order. So what would it matter if you and him were together?

As his mind wandered about whether he should just submit to his attraction to you, he felt you stir against his body, and his breath hitched in his throat. Quickly, he floated the journal back to your bag, gently lifting his other hand in order to open it further. He felt you nuzzle into his chest even more and he let out the breath he had been holding. Watching you twitch against him, he used a hand to stroke your hair delicately. The only thing really holding him back from exploring how he felt about you was the agreement you made, and the threat that Luke had made to deny you from being welcomed into the Order should you engage any further.

But after tomorrow, you would be initiated. Ben knew if you could keep it a secret, ensure that Luke never found out, maybe it could work. After all, he also knew how scared Luke was of what he would do should you be sent away, so there was a chance for the two of you yet.

Ben thought back to the night he had kissed you. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once, he of course had never felt like that for anybody before. And just as he was accepting how he felt, his mind ruined everything. The vision of you in his arms, and then you standing there after he had kissed you, in flames. 

_But that’s impossible,_ he thought to himself. There was no way that the emotions themselves would be your downfall, he knew that much. It was the fear of loss, rejection and desire to protect you that posed a danger. But clearly you weren’t rejecting him, and he knew he wasn’t going to lose you as long as you two were at the Temple together. He had also seen just how powerful you were, and he knew you didn’t even really need that much protecting from the way you were able to hold your own against him.

He watched as your eyelids lightly flitted, your small body at total peace. Slowly, he brought his legs up and crouched next to you, one arm still under you, and lifted you into his arms, one on your back and one supporting your legs. You were so exhausted you didn’t even flinch, and he smiled as your head fell back and he noticed how your mouth was open, a sign that you really wouldn’t wake up for a while. He leaned down to grab both of your bags, securing them in his left hand. Very gently, he made his way down the hill and onto the path, carrying you back to your hut. He pushed open the door and made his way across the room, placing you softly onto the bed. Pulling the blankets up over your curled up body, Ben let his head fall to yours and placed a fragile kiss on your forehead.

“Goodnight, Ace,” He whispered, but then paused, watching your body adjust underneath the thick blanket. Looking at your peaceful face, knowing there was no chance of you waking up or hearing him, he spoke in a tone that was only audible to him. He let that forbidden word escape his parted lips, he needed to hear himself say it.

“I...I love you.”

* * *

_Your POV_

You didn’t remember getting back to your hut last night.

As you woke up in your bed, you relived the night on the hill with Ben, realizing then that you fell asleep while you were laying with him and that he must have carried you home. You were grateful he had done so, because you needed to sleep after all the prep you had been doing for today. Looking outside, the sun had just barely come up, and you knew you had enough time to hop in the refresher to wake yourself up before your test. You practically crawled out of bed and into the shower, allowing the water to wash away the anxiety that had been building up inside of you while leading up to today. 

As you let the water hit your skin, you were thinking about how you could repay Ben for all of his help. Every late night study session in your hut, he was there, providing you help, motivation, and even food since you hadn’t even allowed yourself time to go to the mess hall anymore. You wouldn’t have any time to do anything for him today, so you figured it could wait until tomorrow. Maybe a nice thank you note, with some of those little white flowers from the hill that you could press in your journal. That seemed like a nice thought, and you knew Ben would appreciate literally anything you gave him.

You finished rinsing off and hopped out of the shower, toweling off quickly before looking at the clothes on the sink. Luke had provided all of those who were getting initiated with a set of clothing, a tan sleeveless tunic and white pants that were rather form fitting. It was all tied together with a brown belt to be worn across your waist, cinching the fabric in. It was the traditional garb worn by the Jedi, and it would all be complimented later that day with the robes you had been given on your first day. You slipped into the clothing, admiring the way it fit your body in the mirror. There was a feeling of purpose rushing through your body, loving how official you felt in the outfit. 

Allowing your hair to dry a bit more before putting it up, you returned to your room, deciding to write in your journal ahead of your busy day. You found your bag hanging on the back of your chair, Ben must have left it there. Reaching in, you ignored the lightsaber and simply retrieved the journal and pen you packed last night. Opening up to the next blank page, you wrote about how excited you were for today.

> Well, today is the day! About to go take my test, but I don’t even feel nervous
> 
> anymore. I just can’t wait for the ceremony later and to see Ben’s face when
> 
> he puts the robe on me. I just really want him to be proud of me for some
> 
> reason. And I need to figure out how to show him how much I appreciate 
> 
> everything he’s been doing for me, so I’ll honestly just be thinking about that
> 
> for most of the day anyway. Maybe we can just have a nice night somewhere
> 
> private and just get away from everything, I think that would be amazing.

You closed the book and slid it into your bag behind you. Standing up, you did your hair in your typical braids and slung your bag over your shoulder. It was time to pass the test, and then you would be just hours away from initiation. Flattening out your tunic with your hands, you made your way to the door and exited, walking at a brisk pace to the hall where you were meeting Master Skywalker. You walked past Ben’s hut, knowing he was probably still asleep since the other students didn’t need to attend.

As you arrived at the hall, you took your seat in the front, a change from what you normally did. It was all part of your ambition to show Luke how much you had done to prepare, and that you were taking the rules seriously, even if you still criticized them in your head. The other students filed in and finally, Master Skywalker.

He strutted to the front of the room, passing out parchment as he went. You took the paper with a smile and he nodded his head. Looking down on the questions, you knew this was your moment to shine. Your pen moved furiously across the test as you accurately recalled all of the mandates of the Code and signed the promise at the end. It was much shorter than you expected, but you remember how Luke did say it was pretty much a formality. It would have been close to impossible to fail, even if you didn’t study at all. 

But, you let your dedication show and handed the test in first, making some of the other students give slight glares. You looked like a teacher’s pet the way you smiled as you walked back to your seat to get your bag, but ironically you were the furthest thing from it.

Just before you left your seat to exit the hall, you heard Luke call your name calmly. You walked up to where he was, the smile still on your face.

“Well done. Clearly you have been spending a lot of time working on your behavior, yes?” As much as it sounded like a backhanded compliment, you didn’t care.

“Yes, Master. I took what you said to heart, I promise.”

“Good.” Luke wasted no time in responding. “I look forward to seeing you at the ceremony this evening.”

You turned and made your way to the exit. Practically skipping, you made your way to the hill, hoping to get that flower for Ben before he was awake and noticed you were done. Making your way up the hill, you spotted a nice section of those lovely little white flowers and took a handle of them. You reached into your bag for your journal, opening to a blank page in order to insert the flowers to press them. Sliding the journal back into the bag, you were just about to make your way back to your hut when you felt a sharp pain in your mind.

You let out a yell and fell to your knees. _What’s happening? Is Ben having a nightmare?_

Thinking this was the case, you reached out on the connection, but the feeling you got from him was the furthest thing from fear. He felt blissful, and he was in fact still asleep. You pulled away from his mind, not wanting the pain you were in to travel to him as well. Quickly, you shut your mental gates to prevent whatever it was from going to him as well.

Another sharp pain and your hands were clawing at your hair.

That voice from the cave, it was in your head. It called out your name.

_The choice you have to make, it has not been done yet_.

All of a sudden, a vision came across your thoughts. There were two figures, one was tall and muscular, a creature in a mask. The other was considerably shorter, draped in a black flowing robe with a hood up, shielding their face.

_If you wish to protect him, you will join us. Submit, or he will be ours._

Just like that, the pain dissipated. The pressure on your mind was gone, the image of the two figures had disappeared. 

Your mind was reeling. _Was that… me and Ben? Those figures?_ You thought to yourself. It had to be. They matched up perfectly with your builds, and why would this voice be showing you anyone else? And why now? Was this supposed to be telling you that you can’t be initiated?

Instantly you stood up and started jogging toward the huts. You needed to know if Ben had the same vision, or anything like it. You didn’t want to be intimidated into submission if the threat wasn’t real to both of you.

Clouds of dirt surrounded you as you ran past all of the huts and directly to Ben’s. Without knocking, you barged into his room, startling him in his bed.

“Ace! How’d it go?” He slowly propped himself up, his bare chest rising as the sheets fell from around him.

Nope. He wouldn’t be this calm if he had just experienced the same thing as you. Not wanting to freak him out, you feigned excitement, trying to insinuate that you ran all the way there because of how you did on the test.

“I did great! Luke even sounded pretty impressed with me too,” You tried to shove the vision out of your mind, not wanting it to take over your mind on this day any more than it already had. You watched as Ben removed the rest of the sheet, exposing the rest of his upper body and the sweats on his legs, and he stood up. He walked up to you and pulled you into a hug.

“I knew you would do well. Are you excited for the robe ceremony later?” He let go of you and walked away to get dressed.

Honestly, that was the farthest thing from your mind right now. You fumbled over the thoughts in your mind, thinking about the threat from the voice, wondering what it even meant. Were you seriously having to consider going to the Dark Side right before being initiated as a Jedi? Was that actually a thing happening? Why were you actually thinking about doing it? It was all coming at you so fast, you had no idea what to do.

“You okay?” Ben’s soft voice broke you from your thoughts, and you blinked at him.

“Oh, yeah! Totally, I just need to go shower.” A total lie. Luckily, Ben didn’t know you had already showered today, and he was now very considerate of your space when you even mentioned going to the refresher after the towel incident a few weeks ago.

“Alright,” He said, pulling a shirt over his head. “I’ll see you later then, and hey,” You watched as he walked over to his desk and picked up a piece of parchment. “Take this. Read it before you come meet me for the ceremony, okay?” You smiled as he handed you the paper, and you held it close to your chest.

“Thank you Ben, for everything.”

You barely even stayed to watch him nod in response before you were out the door, walking to your hut, trying to remain calm. Once inside, you practically threw your bag on the ground and sunk to the ground while leaning against the door.

_What in the galaxy is happening?_ You wrestled with your mind, replaying the voice and vision over and over again in your head. Now that you were alone, you let yourself attempt to fully break it down.

The choice. You thought you had already made the choice, by not being with Ben. Both of you assumed that sacrifice was essential to keeping him safe, but apparently not. That was much more trivial in comparison to the real dilemma you were facing.

_“If you wish to protect him, you will join us. Submit, or will be he ours.”_

Now that was pretty straightforward. But why now? You didn’t even know _who_ was speaking to you, who you were slightly considering submitting to. The familiar feeling of the hot sting of tears on your face hit your senses.

You had promised Ben you would protect him, and even more than that, you promised yourself you would never let them get their hands on him.

But, you also promised you would never leave Ben. The thought of having to turn away from him made you sick to your stomach, but would it be worth it if it meant they would leave him alone? Why did they want you instead? You thought about when you first came to the Academy, when Luke told you he sensed you, too, would become a powerful Force-User.

That was it. It had to be. They waited all this time for you to practice your powers, making sure you were a viable substitute for Ben Solo. Though you considered yourself nowhere near as powerful as him, they knew you would do anything for him, or you wouldn't be sitting here considering the possibility right now.

Your hands fell from your face, and you realized you were still holding the note Ben had given you. Hesitantly, you unfolded the paper and rested it against your knees. The first thing you noticed was your name written at the top, and for some reason that made you ridiculously happy to see. You followed down to the words below.

> Congrats! You did it! Yes, I wrote this way before you even took the test because I knew you
> 
> would do well on it. I am just so incredibly proud of you for all the hard work you have been
> 
> putting in over the past few weeks, and I am so honored to be able to present you with
> 
> your robes for the ceremony. You are not only incredibly powerful, but talented, smart and
> 
> beautiful. I wouldn’t want to spar with anybody else and not just because you are arguably
> 
> the best fighter I have ever seen. Never in a million years did I think the little girl on
> 
> Chandrila would grow up to be as tough as you are. Truly, Ace, you are an inspiration to me
> 
> and I love you for that.

You blinked and re-read that line. _Did… did he just say he loves me?_ You felt your body tingle with happiness as you read those words over and over again. That was definitely something to talk about later. You continued to read the rest of the note.

> Someday, when this whole crazy galaxy is normal, we’re going to explore the universe 
> 
> together, just me and you. We can see the stars from every planet, letting the ship take
> 
> us where we need to go. Until then, I can’t wait to keep growing and learning alongside
> 
> you. You are a true Jedi now. And it’s only the beginning for us.
> 
> Forever Yours,
> 
> Ben

As tears welled in your eyes, you quickly swept them away, not wanting them to fall and damage the most amazing thing you have ever seen. You were struck with a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from joy and love to guilt and loss. This note from Ben, it only made you even more conflicted about the choice you had to make. What were you supposed to do?

Dark clouds swirled in your mind and you felt desolate and alone. Not even Ben could understand what you were contemplating right now, and that was the problem. You couldn’t talk to the one person you cared about more than anything else, because you knew he would surrender himself instead. The decision you had to make, you knew it would have to be impulsive. When the time came, you would make your choice, and there was no point wasting time worrying about it if it wasn’t happening this very moment.

Until then, you decided not to concern yourself with it, especially the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben is such a softie (and also nosy), I loved throwing that little POV in here!  
> Clearly Ben and reader have two different dilemmas going on in their minds, which will come to a head next chapter...  
> As always, thank you for reading and all of the love!


	10. Initiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of the Initiation is here, but Ben has a trick up his sleeve to make the occasion even more special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there is a light smattering of ~sexual content~ in this chapter, nothing too gratuitous just wanted to give ample warning in case that is something you would rather avoid reading <3

You sat on the bed in your room for hours just thinking. You had told Ben you didn’t want to see him until the ceremony under the pretense of making it more “special,” which he eagerly accepted, but truthfully it was to just sit and analyze the proposition from the dark voice in your head this morning.

_Am I really sitting here considering giving in to the Dark Side right now? What would that even mean?_

Lost was the only word to describe how you felt at that point. Never had you ever even _thought_ that siding with the First Order and becoming a tool of the Dark Side would be an actual consideration in your life. For kriff’s sake, you didn’t even know you were Force-Sensitive until you were 21, which is much older than most of the entry students at the Temple. How was this your life? You had always undoubtedly been drawn to the Light, no question. Sure, there were certain teachings that you didn’t necessarily agree with, and you were using a Force Bond which is technically a power used by the Dark Side, but that wasn’t enough to make you ever want to stray from a path of Light. Only one thing, or rather, person, had the power of making you think about it. Ben.

Maybe it was time to turn to Luke. As nervous as the thought made you, maybe he would be able to guide you through this and protect you and Ben. It’s not like the two of you were remotely prepared to face anyone from the Dark Side head on. You had no idea who this voice was, if they were a Sith Lord or not, but you did know that only a handful of Jedi had ever bested a Sith in duels, notably being Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. And you were definitely not them. Considering Obi-Wan looked after Luke as a child, albeit from a distance, the fact that Anakin was his father, he had trained with Yoda, and faced off with Darth Vader, it was making more and more sense that you should tell him. 

But what if he couldn’t? What if you actually had to make this decision? Fingers dug into your scalp as you worried hopelessly. You let your head fall between your knees as tears began to well in your eyes, threatening to come down any moment. 

No. You couldn’t do this right now, you had to be strong, for Ben and for yourself. Again you reminded yourself that you did not have to make any sort of choice in that moment. Maybe it was just a threat, a mind game that came as a consequence of using the Force Bond, allowing them to plant seeds in your mind that may not even be true.

_Yeah,_ you thought to yourself. _That has to be it_. They had been doing so in Ben’s mind for years, and if he was strong enough to put up with that immense torture, you would deal with it too. That could absolutely be what was happening now, they could be trying to freak you out and force you to submit with an empty threat. While there was the chance that it was a real threat, you tried to focus on the positive, seeing it more as a challenge of your integrity to stay committed to the Light. They had to have been able to see your mind, that’s why they knew to use protecting Ben as the bait to draw you in.

You did your best to remove any thought related to the vision into the deep vaults of your mind, in order to shield both Ben and even yourself from seeing it. Standing up from your bed, you straightened your clothes and hair. The ceremony would be beginning soon, and you still hadn’t finished writing a note for Ben. You waltzed over to your desk, plopping down on the chair and staring at the mostly blank parchment in front of you. So far, all you had written was his name.

Letting out a deep sigh, you grabbed your pen and brought it to the paper, determined to write something heartfelt and meaningful, but just as you were about to begin letting your feelings flow onto the page, your door came slamming open.

“It’s time!” You rapidly turned around to see Ben jubilantly smiling in the doorway. He was adorned with his Jedi robes, making him look extremely mature and in a sense, powerful. You admired the way his tan tunic and pants fit his body, with the robe dancing lightly in the wind coming from outside the hut. He looked perfect, like this was _exactly_ what he was meant to be. 

A Jedi, who undoubtedly belonged to the Light. 

Frantically, you slapped your hand down on the paper, not that there were any words to hide anyway. You would have to finish it later, after the initiation in the main hall of the Temple. You briskly stood up and faced him, a smile appearing on your face as you watched him push his hair behind his ears.

“I thought you were going to meet me there? Remember, to make it ‘special?’” Your hands created air quotes around the last word, but he didn’t let it faze him.

“I couldn’t resist, I wanted to see you before the actual thing started. Plus, I have a few more things to give you,” His hand reached into his pocket and he removed it in a fist. With purpose, he walked over to your robes which you had laid out on your bed. He slid whatever it was in his enclosed hand into the pocket of your robes, making sure to keep it out of your sight.

“Ben, what-”

“You can see it later tonight, I’ll tell you when. Just know that it’s there, think of it as something to look forward to after the ceremony.” You looked at him, and he was absolutely beaming, grinning from ear to ear. He seemed just as, if not more, excited about tonight as you.

“Why are _you_ so excited about tonight?” You couldn’t help but feel that something was different about him, like the way he looked at you had some strange emotion behind it.

“Because tonight,” He started. “This ceremony, it changes your life, and I couldn’t be more proud of you for how far you’ve come in such a short time.” There it was again, that feeling behind his words that you couldn’t pinpoint. You had an inkling that he wasn’t talking about just the ceremony, and that ignited something inside of you, a fierce sense of desire to find out what he was thinking about. You dismissed the curiousness, knowing you would find out soon enough.

“Alright… let’s get going then!” You had been so preoccupied all day battling with your thoughts that you hadn’t even been able to think about how ecstatic you actually were. Tonight was an important night, and you wouldn’t let yourself be intimidated by a voice without a body, not now. 

You snatched the bag on your chair and stuffed the pen and journal in there, which immediately connected with the lightsaber at the bottom. Briskly, you walked over to the robes on the bed and scooped them up, loving the way they felt in your arms. Running your hand over the material, you closed your eyes and pictured Ben putting them on you. The smile on your face increased, and you felt his hand on your back, ushering you to the door. You opened your eyes and looked up at him as he let his arm rise from your back to fall around your shoulder, the two of you walking in stride out of your little hut to the towering Temple at the end of the path.

As you entered the main room, you were overcome with a sense of accomplishment, and you felt Ben squeeze your shoulder.

_You made it. Let’s do this._ You smiled at his words, and he removed his arm from your body, walking you to the front of the rows. You seated yourself among the other students that were being initiated alongside you tonight, while Ben and the other “mentors” sat directly behind each of their “mentees.” Mostly, it was just older students who were assigned to the younger ones, with you and Ben being the only ones who were actually friends. Then again, all the other students getting initiated were considerably younger than you, which never failed to make you feel a little awkward.

A hush fell over the room as Luke took his place in front of all of the students. He went on a long spiel about the importance of the Jedi and the role that you would have in shaping the future of the galaxy, no doubt a nod to the increasing threat which the First Order imposed. You shifted uncomfortably in your seat, as it made you think back to the vision.

Ben reached into your mind encouraging you to relax, so you took a deep breath and cleared your head. He always knew when he needed to calm you down, and you loved him for that. You refocused on Luke, who was now gesturing for you and the other students to stand.

One by one, each of you walked to the front, accompanied by your mentor counterpart, for Luke to signify your acceptance and for you to pledge your devotion to upholding the pillars of the Order. After that, you would be dressed in your robes and return to your seat. You watched as all of the students rose and headed up, until finally it was your turn. Of course you were last.

Luke announced your name, and you abruptly stood up, Ben meeting you at your side. You felt your legs threatening to turn into jelly, the realization now sitting in that you were devoting yourself to the Jedi after a day of contemplation involving the Dark Side. Would this have consequences? Was pledging yourself to the Order technically you making the decision not to surrender to the voice in your head? Ben snapped you out of your thoughts as he steadied you by grabbing your arm, sending waves of peace through your body. Again, you let out a deep breath as you looked directly at him. Those soulful brown eyes looked back at you, glossy and dotted with those golden specks you adored. There was that peculiar emotion again, the one you couldn’t decipher easily, but you shook that away as he began to walk towards Luke.

The two of you knelt in front of Luke, before rising to meet his gaze.

“Do you promise to dedicate your life to the Light, to obey the fundamental teachings of the Jedi Order, and to usher peace to the galaxy, whatever that may take?”

You nodded your head in agreement, and spoke, “I solemnly swear to follow the path of the Light and to respect the rules of the Jedi, and to preserve and promote peace throughout the galaxy.” Those words sealed your initiation. You saw a small grin appear on Luke’s face and he spoke in a low tone, just so you and Ben could hear.

“I’m proud of you.” Your face lit up. For Luke to be proud of you after everything you had done wrong since arriving at the Temple, you felt truly redeemed. Soaking in the feeling of acceptance, you felt the heaviness of your robes fall onto your shoulders. As amazing as you thought this moment would be, it was proving to exceed your expectations.

Ben’s hands gripped your shoulders, holding the robes in place as you slid your arms through the sleeves, the sensation of his hands on your back sending chills down your spine. You allowed your hands to come through the ends and you felt him release, leaving your skin feel desperate for his touch again.

_You look amazing._

It felt as though he had whispered it directly into your ear himself rather than through your mind, which made you blush. Hoping Luke had not noticed the change in color of your face, you subtly turned around and met Ben’s face, a flicker of mischief in his eyes. He led you back to your seat and took his place behind you, the tingling on your skin having yet to subside.

Luke closed out the ceremony, again emphasizing the importance of the existence of the Order at this point in time. With the initiation now over, students flocked to the mess hall where Luke had attempted to create a sort of celebration, expanding the typical food choices to include desserts and exotic milks. Just as you were about to enter, Ben grabbed your hand and yanked you to the side of the entrance. He placed a hand over your mouth and hushed you.

“I’ve got a better idea.” The ambiguity of his words kindled the already present fire in your chest, feeding the sensation of arousal you felt earlier in the evening upon seeing him in his robes.

“O-okay,” You sputtered out. You wouldn’t admit it, but a small portion of you was nervous. _What in the galaxy is he talking about?_ Part of you assumed he would just take you to the spot on the hill and maybe spend another evening looking up at the stars, dreaming of the possibility of a future that involved the two of you exploring the galaxy together. He took you in that direction initially, but where you would have turned left to go up the grassy hill, you continued forward. Sending the confusion, Ben interlaced his fingers with yours.

“Hang in there, Ace. It’s a bit of a long walk.” You were now even _more_ confused.

“What? How long? Does Luke know where we’re going?” Your mind was racing with questions, your mouth unable to keep up with your mind. It was nearly dark, the suns would set in about an hour or so, and walking in the forest in pitch black wasn’t necessarily ideal in your mind. Last time you were walking in the forest with Ben, he thought he heard something and you had to hide behind a tree and try to sense if anything was out there, and that was in broad daylight. Who knew what could be lurking out there in the dark of night.

“ _Relax_. I got his permission, I promise. I wouldn’t put you in that situation.” His words had somewhat soothed your worries about Luke being angry with you, but you still wanted to know where you were going. “We’re about two hours out.”

“ _Two hours?!”_ You looked at him incredulously. How was he just going to spring this on you right now? You were under the impression you would just go from the ceremony to the mess hall and then maybe hang out for a bit and go to bed, not that you’d be embarking on a whole journey this close to sundown.

Softly, he said your name. “It’ll be worth it.” All of a sudden, you felt your feet leave the ground. In an instant, Ben had stooped down and collected your body in his arms, shifting to toss you over his shoulder. You unleashed a fury of light punches on his back, kicking your legs in frustration.

“ _Ben!_ Put me _down!”_ You struggled against his grip and he let out a loud laugh. You felt your legs and arms still, being pinned by an invisible hand, and you realized he was keeping you in a Force hold. Your body was then moved again so he had you in his arms, and he unfroze your arms so you could drape them around his neck. In a hushed town, he whispered to you, so quietly it was lost in the breeze and you felt your eyelids grow heavy as you slowly blinked them close, the last image in your mind being Ben’s pale, freckle littered face looking passionately at yours.

\-- 

Your senses had finally returned to your body and you felt your feet hit the ground. Eyes still closed, you reached out your arms, searching for Ben. You felt him take your arms and your eyes suddenly opened, blinking a few times to bring them into focus. Looking around, you knew exactly where you were. Now fully awake, you felt the soft ground underneath your feet, and the smell of the water hit your nose. 

It was the beach you came to to build your lightsaber with Ben, when the two of you divulged details about the visions you had been having while you laid against the rocks by the water. This place, this energy, it was intoxicating. The sound of waves crashing against the spires mixed with the quiet chirps of various animals in the nature surrounding you created an aura of peacefulness that you felt yourself slowly slip into. Ben released your arms, reaching down to slip off his shoes to walk barefoot across the sand. You did the same, longing for the feeling of that sand between your toes again, letting yourself connect with the ground beneath you. With shoes in one hand, Ben grabbed your free hand and led you further onto the beach.

“Close your eyes.” Instead of fighting it, you obliged. He had taken you this far, what were a few more moments of darkness? Ben walked slowly, keeping a tight grip on your hand as he guided you across the beach. The darkness behind your eyelids slowly developed a brightness, the warm glow of what you assumed were lights of some sort. He let go of your hand and whispered

“Open.”

Breathless. 

You opened your eyes to see a small tent, illuminated with lights, tucked away in a brush of trees in an alcove off to the side of the sand. The branches of the trees hung low, just barely suspended over the top of the structure. Flowers littered the outside of the entrance to the tent, some of the most exotic you had ever seen, making the little white flowers on the hill feel insignificant. Small winged creatures flew around the trees, giving off yet another source of illumination. It was secluded, but you could still hear the waves hitting the shore and the whipping wind. The soft glow of the tent was extremely inviting, and you felt so safe and content in this space.

“I…” You were speechless. _He did this for me?_ You felt a small pang of guilt for not finishing the letter you wanted to give him, especially after seeing all of the effort he put into making this night as special as possible. 

He dropped his shoes outside the tent and you did the same. You felt his calloused hand take yours and he moved to the entrance. Pushing the flap to the side, you entered to see a bundle of blankets and pillows set up on the ground.

“So, it may not be comfortable, per say, but-”

“It’s perfect.” You cut him off. Truly, you were blown away that he had put in this effort. 

_When did he do all of this? I’ve been with him all the time…And Luke really gave his permission for this? How?_

“Today, when you went back to your hut, saying you wanted the ceremony tonight to be ‘special,’ I had plenty of time to get here and set up. Granted, I had to kinda jog back to make it in time and shower and everything but, yeah. And, well, Luke knew we’d be spending the night away from the Temple, but he doesn’t necessarily know we’ll be in the same tent…”

You swiveled around to look at him, his hand scratching the back of his head, his cheeks tinged a soft rose color. You thrusted yourself at him, squeezing him as tightly as physically possible, letting your face smash into his chest. Your senses were filled with his scent, his aura, his everything. His arms encircled around you and he kept you close to his body, slightly swaying you back and forth. The feeling of his chin resting on top of your head made you melt even further into him in a state of total bliss.

“Thank you,” You said, your voice muffled by his robes in your face. “I, I’m sorry, I was going to write you this nice letter, and I don’t know, I just got caught up in everything, I-”

“ _ Relax.” _

You felt your breath hitch in your throat as he swiftly moved one of his hands from behind your back around to your face, holding your chin gingerly between his fingers as he titled your face towards his own. The air was thick with desire and longing as his lips hovered mere inches from your own, the tip of his nose grazing yours. You watched intently as his eyes scanned your face, his hand still holding your face steadfastly in place while the other drew circles on your lower back with his thumb. He let your name escape his lips, the tone aching with want and passion. 

You didn’t know what to do. It felt so wrong, but that notion of doing something so reckless kindled the burning flame inside of you, and before you could debate it in your head, Ben’s hand was cupping your cheek and his fingers intertwined with one of your braids, pulling your mouth into his. Giving into the kiss, your body felt electrified as his other hand moved with ease around your body, exploring every curve until he brought it up to your shoulder, beginning to shimmy your robes off.

With a delicate hand, he led the fabric off of your shoulder until it collected around your elbow, with you then removing your right hand from behind his back in order to free your arm of the fabric. As it fell off and dangled on your body, you followed his lead and used your hand to remove the sleeve from your left shoulder, letting it all collectively fall to the ground. Your heart was beating at an insane rate as your hands found his chest, opening up his robe for him, taking it off of his broad shoulders. In one swift movement, he rid himself of the robes, gathered it in his hand and tossed it to the corner of the tent. Wasting no time, he pulled you into him again, the intensity of the kiss making you stumble. Slowly, the two of you moved in sync backwards, until you felt your feet hit the blankets on the ground.

Ben released his lips from yours and lifted your body in his arms, effectively picking you right off of your feet, and lowered you to the ground kindly, your head falling softly onto one of the pillows scattered around the floor. His entire body hovered over yours now, one arm behind your back, the other steadying himself next to your head. Those massive legs straddled your lower half, but other than that, your bodies still were not touching, as if he was waiting for the invitation. Slowly, you reached an arm out to grasp his neck and pull him onto you, desperate to feel his chest against your own. The mere proximity was intoxicating, and the feeling of his chest on yours had your heart fluttering. Your lips connected once more, the urgency of your actions making your body shiver from exhilaration.

Your fingers danced at the hem of his tunic while his teeth tenderly pulled on your bottom lip, and you tugged on the fabric, your hands pleading that he remove it. Ben leaned back with his weight on his knees, untying the brown belt around his waist holding it in place, and swiftly pulled the tunic over his head, followed by the linen shirt underneath, exposing his muscled torso. 

_Oh my..._

You thought about how you had always wanted this. All those times you fantasized about him taking control during combat, of taking you right there as he pinned you against the ground, the sweat from your bodies mingling together. Part of you was internally screaming, knowing this was wrong, but you didn’t care. Your hand shot out and grabbed his head, pulling his face down to meet yours. The desperation in your kiss was apparent as you moved your mouth deeply against his, all of the pent up tension and desire finally coming to a head in this moment.

In a moment of strength, you pushed Ben to the side and rolled on top of him, wanting to gain control of him. For some reason, you craved this power, this dominance over him, your body pulsing with the thrill of being on top of him like this. You let your hands explore his exposed chest, dipping in and along every ridge and muscle of his physique, before lowering your head into the nook of his neck, placing various kisses under his jaw and along his collarbone.

“Oh, _kriff_ ,” Ben was practically panting, the arousal evident in his voice. You let your hips sink onto his further, and his hands reached for your tunic. He tugged at the fabric, willing it off, before reaching his hands behind you to untie the belt securing it around your frame. Tossing the belt to the side, he slid the tunic off of your shoulders, leaving you in your undergarment, chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. 

Ben’s fingers dug into your hips as he pulled you onto him even further, the bulge in his pants making itself known. He released a low growl as you moved your hips against him, his eyes rolling back as you took pleasure in the control you had while on top of him. Grinning, you returned your face to his neck, trailing him with kisses as you made your way up to his ear. You tugged his ear gently with your teeth while you leaned your hips up slightly and let your hand slide between his legs, teasing him with your touch. His frustration mounted as you dipped your hand into his pants, before quickly removing it and placing it next to his head. As you were about to bring your mouth to his, Ben flipped you over with ease, his body once again towering over yours.

His hair tickled your face as he leaned down and whispered, “So it’s gonna be like that, huh?” The challenging tone in his voice sent waves of pleasure through your whole body as you writhed underneath him. Your lips finally connected once more, as you felt his hand wrap around your throat delicately. The sensation of his rough fingers against your fragile skin only increased the arousal you were experiencing, so you shot your hand out to his pants, attempting to unbutton them. Suddenly, your arms flung above your head, pinned down by an invisible hand. His lips parted from yours for just a millisecond so he could speak.

“Not so fast,” His lips still brushed yours with each word, the warmth inside you rapidly growing. You hadn’t even thought about the Force being used in _this_ way, and you knew that was going to be making things interesting as you saw the feral look in Ben’s eyes as he gazed down on you, slightly tightening the grip around your neck. 

This was bringing out a new side in both of you, an escalation of the ferocity you displayed during combat. Passion was driving the two of you to depths you had never dwelled on before, and you felt yourself free-falling into the dark desires in your heart. The two of you were in touch with that sliver of darkness as your lips collided, a mixture of moaning and whimpers escaping both of your mouths as Ben began to grind his hips against yours.

You felt a sudden sensation between your legs and you bucked your hips, understanding what it was. Ben’s hand was still on your neck, and his other was tangled in your hair. He was using the Force to pull you closer and closer to the edge, but never letting you get full satisfaction. You struggled against his grip, desperately wanting to reach your hand down to fulfill yourself, but he wouldn’t allow it.

_Two can play at this game…_ You closed your eyes and thought to yourself, mustering up all of your strength to focus on your power. Through the Bond, you planted images in Ben’s mind, scenes of your bodies intertwined, your hands pulling at his hair, his fingers digging deep into your bare hips, all images that you knew he couldn’t resist. 

Almost instantaneously, the swirling motion of the Force between your legs ceased and your wrists were released from the invisible grip, and your pants were being ripped off of you in a rough fashion. You opened your eyes to see Ben unbuttoning his pants as his legs remained on your sides before standing up and ridding himself of them. While you brought your arms down from above your head to lean up on your elbows, he bent over and shimmied the rest of your pants away from your ankles, tossing them into the corner with his own. 

Ben returned to his knees, hovering above your stomach while he looped his fingers in your underwear and pulled them easily down your legs. His hand led them all the way down, easing your ankles through the openings, before slowly tracing your legs with his fingers from your ankle to your inner thigh. With a sharp grip, he squeezed your leg while his other hand reached around your back to unclasp the last article of clothing you had on. A swift motion and your undergarments had been completely removed and you laid there, totally exposed, while Ben dominated your vision. Your eyes fell to his boxers, and you could feel his intense stare on you, watching as you hesitantly reached out your hand to feel his bulge. As your hand rested on the fabric, you felt him twitch underneath your touch and your eyes shot up to his face. He let out a breath, and your name slipped from his lips, voice dripping with desire. Instinctively, you led your fingers to the top and pulled down his boxers, releasing him.

As confident as you had felt in every moment coming up to this, this was when it all came to fruition and you nervously let out a shaky breath.

Ben sensed your apprehension. You watched the untamed look in his eyes disappear, replaced with concern. This was the first time for both of you, so you knew it wasn’t unnatural to be nervous. His words cut through your thoughts, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Just him asking the question was enough to reassure you. You wanted him, _needed_ him. For some reason, the ability for him to switch between looks of uncontrolled lust for you, and intense concern for your wellbeing, was one of the most attractive things he had done all night. Your hand ripped his underwear all the way down to his knees, which were still resting next to your waist, while you kept eye contact with him.

“Yes. Ben, I-” You wanted to say it. You wanted to tell him how much you loved him, how much you wanted to be with him for the rest of your life, that nothing else in the galaxy mattered, but something held you back. “I want you. _Now.”_ Inside, your hunger reignited, once again channeling the intense craving you had for Ben to be inside of you.

Ben balanced himself on one knee as he ushered the fabric down the rest of his leg and repeated with the other, until he was now just as exposed as you were. Those mesmerizing golden flecks popped against the darkness of the brown in his eyes as he stared down at you, a mixture of longing and admiration in his gaze. Slowly, he lowered his body onto yours, his naked skin on yours sending tingles all over. You laced your arms around his neck as he got closer to your face, digging your fingers into his dark hair. Lips hovering above yours, he spoke quietly.

“I’ll be gentle.”

Welcoming his lips onto yours, you shut your eyes in anticipation of the moment. You felt Ben shift above you while he slid his tongue into your mouth, colliding with your own. He reached his hand down between your legs, slowly inserting a finger while his thumb rested on top, rubbing circles slowly to ensure you were ready. He continued to do so at a steady pace, pulsing his finger in and out of you gently, not wanting to rush into it. You allowed him to keep going for a few minutes, wanting to make sure you would be prepared. Eventually, your body aching with a yearning for him to take you, you reached out a hand and grabbed his wrist, indicating you were ready.

Breaking the kiss momentarily, you opened your eyes to see Ben lift his face far enough away to see your expression, scanning for the intent of your action. You nodded and whispered, “I’m ready.”

He withdrew his fingers from you and hesitantly let his cock slip inside of you, his pace painfully slow in order to ensure that you were okay. You clenched your eyes shut and gripped his hair tighter, pulling his face into yours. Steadily, he increased the speed at which he was pumping in and out of you, the pain slowly subsiding with each thrust. Soon, the sting of his entry was replaced with euphoria, as a timid moan escaped your lips. You could feel Ben’s breath on your neck as he nestled his head next to you, his hair tickling your ear. Hearing his breathy grunts sent your heart aflame, and you flung one of your hands to his upper back, clawing at his skin, inviting him to go deeper inside of you. With a grunt, Ben slammed himself into you, allowing one of his hands to grip the skin on your hip, fingers digging into your side. 

You thought about moving your hand down to increase the pleasure, but as you were about to, the familiar swirling motion was back, and now at a much faster speed. Turning your face to Ben, you let out a whimper as he drew you closer and closer to the edge. He slammed his lips into yours, his spare hand now tugging at your braids, exposing your neck. Trailing down from your mouth, he latched onto your neck with his mouth, biting and sucking the tender skin. His moans vibrated against your skin as he was now thrusting with increased speed and depth, hitting your sweet spot with every motion. The intense pleasure was building inside of you and the swirling between your legs was now even faster. Your nails dug into his back as you clawed at his skin, totally consumed with feelings of bliss.

“Oh my… _Ben,”_ He moved away from your neck, bringing his lips back to yours. You were nearing the edge and you could sense that he was too, his movements becoming more sporadic as he could no longer totally control his motions. The sensation of the Force between your legs sent you over the edge, forcing you to stop kissing Ben as you let out a loud moan, walls clenching around his cock, still inside of you. Your fingers pulled his hair tightly as waves of pleasure devoured your body, and you watched his face contort as he too began to finish. He yelled your name multiple times, mixed in with mutterings of curse words and he unloaded inside of you, twitching upon completion. 

Ben sank his head onto your chest as he slid out of you, sweat sticking to your bodies, hair plastered to your faces. You watched his head rise and fall as you let out a deep breath, and you felt at peace. Eventually, he rolled off of you and walked to his bag, reaching for something in it to clean himself up with. You pulled one of the many blankets littering the ground tightly to your chest, covering up your body, soaking in the comfort that the protection brought you. Ben turned and smiled at you and made his way back over, laying down with you. He tucked himself under the blanket and raised his hand to your face, gently rubbing his thumb against your cheek. 

“Was that… okay? How are you feeling?” He spoke in a low, timid whisper.

The tenderness of his words added to the feeling of contentment. How he was able to go so easily from being totally wild with desire, riddled with a fierce passion, to genuinely caring about how that had just made you feel amazed you. 

“It was perfect. I feel… weightless. Like I could live like this for the rest of my life, just you and me.” You watched as the soft smile on his face grew into a large grin and he leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. Snuggling into him, you intertwined your legs with his, wanting to be as close to him as possible. You wrapped your arms around him, craving the touch of his skin on your own. The safety you felt in his arms was unlike any other feeling, and you knew as long as you were with him, you would be okay. Everything would be okay.

Together, the two of you drifted off peacefully in each other’s arms, as the sound of waves crashing against the shore carried you to sleep.

_Everything would be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOF. soft ben solo makes me so happy.  
> this chapter was a beast to write, especially since it was my first time writing any form of smut at all. please do not hesitate to provide constructive criticism, i really wasn't even sure i would include smut in this fic but i felt like it worked well for the development of these characters and the progression of the story, especially going forward.  
> as always, thank you for the kudos and comments and the next chapter should be out sometime this week!!


	11. What Comes Next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkness interferes in your otherwise idyllic weekend getaway with Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory ~smut~ warning for this chapter ;)

Complete and utter darkness. Pitch black, all around, consuming your mind, an unbearable chill erupting over your senses.

_If you wish to protect him, you will join us. Submit, or he will be ours._

That line, the one you had been turning over in your head for the past day, sent you into a deep nightmare. Breaking the veil of darkness, a burst of red shot through your sight, and a figure appeared. Faintly, you recognized the shape, it was the creature in a mask. It moved closer and closer to you, it’s long black cape swaying behind, footsteps bellowing like thunder. It exuded untamed power, a ferocious energy, suffocating you with its intensity. The creature ignited a lightsaber in their hand, and it was unlike anything you had ever seen. Glowing red, two additional rays jutted out from the hilt, but they were small, forming a cross guard at the base, perpendicular to the saber. The crackling noises of the weapon added to the demonic atmosphere.

The voice present in all of your visions spoke, mumbling a name, its tone dripping with malevolence.

_Kylo Ren._

Kylo Ren? Is that who this creature is? Why did the name seem so familiar somehow, like it was buried somewhere deep in the back of your mind?

The creature, or Kylo Ren as you now understood him to be, continued marching towards you menacingly. The loud thud of his boots struck the floor with each stride, sending a deafening echo through your mind. As he stopped in front of you, you heard him speak, in an intensely modulated voice.

_“Come to the Dark Side,”_ He spoke, the crackling of his voice then becoming much deeper as he raised his saber towards your gaze, _“or I will kill Ben Solo. And that…”_ he leaned in close to you and whispered, _“is a promise.”_

Silently, he returned the saber to his belt, and you watched as its gloved fingers reached up to its helmet, unlocking the base, beginning to lift it from its head. Just as you were about to see the monster behind the mask, a blanket of darkness suspended over the sight, pulling you out of the nightmare and back to reality.

You shot awake, sweating, and pushed yourself up into a seated position, clutching the blanket around your chest for some sense of security. Panting, you looked to your right to see Ben staring at you, propped up on his elbows with fear in his eyes. They looked glossy, and you could tell just through the emotion on his face that he had seen your nightmare. The look in his eyes made you crumble inside, the confusion swirling behind them apparent. He had just seen your vision, a vision commanding you to go to the Dark Side in order to protect him, to save him from “Kylo Ren,” whoever he was. Ben shot out his hand to grip your arm, sensing your guilt, and pulled you into his chest. As your face collided with his skin, his hand pressed to the back of your head, you let yourself cry into him, the remnants of sweat from your nightmare induced panic combining with your salty tears as they fell from your face onto his exposed chest.

“Shh, it’s okay,” You felt his hands petting your hair, his lips on top of your head. His calmness shocked you. For someone who had just seen someone else have a vision about potentially having to protect them from a monster, he was handling it with grace. You couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going through his mind at that moment, nor did you have the strength to look and find out for yourself.

Your crying lessened and you released your face from his body, hopelessly wiping away at your tear stained cheeks to lessen the appearance of your pain. Your eyes were still heavy with sorrow, your vision clouded by the dewiness of tears. Looking at Ben, you continued to wipe at your eyes, trying to clarify the image of his face, before he took your wrist in his hand.

“You don’t have to hide,” He stroked your hair with his other hand, tucking your braid behind your ear and tracing the skin of your jaw with his thumb. The two of you just stared at each other, neither knowing what to say about what just happened. 

How were you supposed to even talk about _that?_ You had not yet told him about the vision from the day before, and now it seemed like you had no choice. Your hopes of the visions being an empty threat seemed unlikely as you thought about the deep, sinister murmur from “Kylo Ren,” who promised that he would kill Ben if you did not turn to them. Still, you had no idea what making this choice would entail, but you did know that Ben knowing about it was going to make things impossibly complicated. _If,_ and that was a very big if, you decided you were willing to leave, he would never let you. He would assume the responsibility himself if it meant protecting you, and you would do the same for him. Neither of you would be willing to compromise the other’s safety, and you knew that whoever possessed that wicked voice in your nightmares knew that too.

“I…” Words just wouldn’t come out. Gently, Ben lowered his back to the ground and brought you with him, your head resting on his shoulder as you clung to his arm with both of your hands. You attempted to speak again, but he cut you off.

“Rest. We don’t have to even think about that right now, okay? Just close those pretty little eyes of yours and let me take care of you,” His words were smooth, lulling you back to a peaceful state. You knew what he was doing, compelling you to fall asleep with the Force as he waved a hand in front of your face, but you submitted to the pull of your dreams and shut your eyes tight, gripping onto his arm even harder as you let the sensation wash over you and wrap you in a blanket of security.

* * *

The sun shone directly through the opening in the tent, illuminating the entire space. Your eyes fluttered open and you focused them on Ben, his face glowing as he was doused in rays of light. He was already awake, eyes trained on you, a tiny smile forming as you came to. The way the sun was hitting him made him look like an angel, his messy raven hair shining, his freckles and moles so clearly present on his pale complexion. Those eyes always did something to you, but the way the light made those golden flecks pop and lighten the darkness of the brown was sensational. Ben was just, otherworldly. You blinked away the fuzziness of your vision to see him clearer as you felt his cold hand ignite your skin, sending goosebumps all over your bare body. Snuggling into the blanket, you inched closer to him, gently planting a kiss on his nose.

“How’d you sleep?” His voice sounded tired and raspy, and somehow you just knew he hadn’t slept a wink since your nightmare.

“Pretty well, all things considered. Did you sleep at _all_ last night?”

Ben shook his head no, a single stray hair now falling onto his temple. You tucked it behind his ear, your brows furrowing together in concern.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay after, well, ya know,” His voice was shaky and you knew that he still felt conflicted about seeing your nightmare, about hearing the ultimatum you had been presented with. The fact that he stayed up the whole night just to make sure you were okay enforced the notion that he would never let you do something so rash for his benefit. While that was comforting, it was also troublesome, because you had no idea what would be in store should you not submit.

“Well, I’m fine, promise. You _know_ I can take care of myself, and you need to make sure you take care of yourself too. Do you think you could try to sleep now?” If Ben was willing to sleep for just a few hours, you knew you would have time to think about what happened, and also finally get around to that note for him.

“Honestly, not really.” You kind’ve figured he wouldn’t be able to, but it was worth a shot. “And I’d rather talk about the nightmare, if that’s okay with you.”

_Kriff._ There goes any chance of figuring that out easily.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Your throat felt dry, worried about what his takeaway would be from that horrible vision. “Maybe we could get dressed first? Eat some food? I am pretty hungry.” You wouldn’t admit that you were stalling, but you needed just a little time digesting the vision in your own mind before you would be able to fully discuss it with Ben.

“Yeah, of course.” Ben was the first to stand up, and you couldn’t help but let your gaze linger on his body. You saw the evidence of your nails digging into his skin as his back came into your sight, spotted with red lines across his shoulder blades. You felt your heartbeat pumping just a little bit faster as your mind wandered back to last night, the feeling of his body on yours now just a memory. You thought about the way he controlled his emotions, shifting seamlessly between his ferocious desire and underlying concern for your wellb eing. The way his voice in your ear made your body tingle when he promised you he would be gentle, the way his mouth on your neck made you moan with pleasure as he thrusted in and out of you, the feeling of his rough hands pulling at your hair, your nails leaving marks all over his back, your - 

“Ace?” His voice snapped you out of your day dreaming, one of his eyebrows cocked, and your face was bright red from embarrassment. Without knowing it, you had still been staring at him as he walked to the corner and got his clothes, as well as yours, which he was extending out to you. You shimmied the blanket up a little higher, feeling extremely exposed as you knew he had just sensed everything you were dwelling on  
  
---  
  
“Sorry, I was…”

“Distracted? Oh, I know,” He flashed you a wicked smile as he bent down, face now level with your own. “That was the best night of my life.” Gently, he placed a kiss on your forehead as he cupped your cheek in his hand.

_Ugh, I love it when he does that._

He pulled his face away and the two of you sat smiling widely and just absorbed each other's gazes for a second, before Ben finally stood up and got himself dressed. For some reason, even after the night you two had together, you felt shy getting dressed around him. You shuffled under the blanket uncomfortably to at least put on your underwear and pants, before letting the covers fall from your chest as you quickly slipped on your undergarment and top over your head. In the haze of last night, you had forgotten to let your hair out of the braids, so you undid the hairstyle and let the waves of your hair cascade down your back, shaking your head a few times to let your hair breath. Ben watched in admiration as he pushed his own hair out of his eyes and reached down for his bag and one of the many blankets littering the ground.

“Wanna sit on the beach?”

“Is that even a question?” You briskly stood up and shuffled past him, leaving your shoes still at the entrance of the tent as you made your way onto the sand. Embracing the cool air, you let your feet carry you to the edge of the ocean and allowed the water to surround your feet, the coldness of it serving as a refreshing feeling on your toes. Standing ankle deep in the water, you looked out upon the vast body of water. It gave you the same feeling as looking at the night sky, the openness of it making you feel unbound and limitless, stirring that sense of freedom and adventure in your very soul. The wind whipped, spraying your whole body with small bits of saltwater, the liquid biting at your exposed skin. 

“One day,” you mumbled to yourself, quietly. “One day, we’ll see the stars together.” You turned and made your way back onto the coarse sand, watching Ben lay down a blanket next to one of the impressive spires. He sat and leaned against the rock while he dug around in his bag, bringing two blue milk bottles and what looked like some pastries out of it. You sat down beside him and he handed you a drink and one of the breads, which looked like it was glazed with something. 

“Luke let me take some from the ceremony when I told him we were coming here. I have more in the tent, cause he said we could spend the weekend out here if we wanted to.”

You were honestly shocked Luke agreed to _one_ night of the two of you not being in your huts, never thinking you would be granted two whole days away from the Temple, alone, with absolutely no supervision at all.

“Seriously, how did he even agree to this? If he knew that we shared the same tent, we would be _dead,”_ You bit into the pastry in your hand, a literal sweet relief from the usual bone dry bread you were used to forcing into your stomach on most mornings. Ben chuckled as he watched your face melt away from concern to enjoyment.

“Well, he doesn’t need to know everything. I won’t tell if you won’t?” He winked at you, something he had never done before. It was like he had this newfound confidence in himself after last night, and you absolutely loved it. Now that you had done it once, you couldn’t help but look forward to the next time, because the nerves were totally gone. That energy the two of you had before you showed signs of hesitation was pure intensity, driven by lust and passion, and the thought of not being as innocent the next time drove you wild. You couldn’t explain it, but you wanted to see that feral look in Ben’s eyes again as he looked down at your naked body, consumed with hunger and desire for you. You wanted to dominate him, to let the power consume you as you gave into your truest emotions and wants.

“Again? Really?” Ben joked, knowing full well you had gone down another mental tangent thinking about his body on yours. This time, you just shrugged and smiled, not bothered that he could see what you were thinking. You lifted the bottle of blue milk to your lips and took a long sip, turning towards Ben as you lowered it, licking your lips after you took your time swallowing.

“I mean, if you _don’t_ want to do it again, by all means,” You ripped a piece of pastry off and ate it, following the action by sucking on each of your fingers individually, maintaining eye contact with Ben the whole time. You could sense the tension and sexual frustration in his mind. Now that he had a taste, he wasn’t afraid of letting you know exactly how he felt too.

“Oh.. my…” He was practically drooling as you slid your thumb out of your mouth, making a satisfyingly loud smacking noise as the finger left your lips. You giggled, turning your face away from his, now feeling a little bit shy again, no idea what had come over you that caused you to do that. The way you could act so openly around him, not having to hide how you felt anymore, it made you feel so much freer than before.

“Anyway,” You turned back to face him, feeling the little torture you had just put him through was sufficient enough. “What are we gonna do today? We could do some lightsaber training, I guess meditate, or-”

“Nice try.” He abruptly cut you off. That seemed to be his specialty today. “First of all, we have the weekend _off_. Why would we waste it meditating? Lightsaber training maybe, that could be fun, but I know what you’re doing.”

Lifting your bottom lip into a frown, furrowing your eyebrows together, you did your best to play dumb.

“I’m not doing anything, I have _no idea_ what you could be talking about!”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Very funny. You’re just deflecting. You don’t want to talk about last night.”

You kept up the ruse, hoping you could distract him enough to get his guard down, and maybe get him to put off the conversation just a little bit longer.

“Oh… what about last night, Ben?” You batted your eyelashes at him as you extended your arm to grip his thigh, slowly rubbing him up and down, before slyly moving it towards his crotch. He gripped your wrist and pulled it away from him.

Holding your wrist, he shook his head and pursed his lips. “Nope, nuh uh. We’re talking about it now, the nightmare. We have to.”

You let out a heavy sigh and retreated your arm from his grasp, slumping your shoulders against the rock. “Fine.”

“Are you scared, or like, worried about it?” The question caught you off guard. Yet again, he was putting you first, even when the very contents of the vision had to do with _his_ fate just as much as your own.

“I mean, it was basically the same as the other one I had yester-” You caught yourself, but it was too late.

_Kriff. Oh gods. I never told him about the first one, the one before the ceremony._

“Other one? You had another one yesterday? Why in the _galaxies_ did you not tell me? What happened to our promise, huh?” Now he was upset. Not because you had a vision, but because you hadn’t told him, after the two of you swore that you would always make the other aware of the presence of anything dark swirling in your mind. In his mind, if he didn’t know about the vision, he was failing at protecting you from it all, from the Dark Side. Obviously you knew why he was upset, but at the same time there wasn’t really a “right time” to tell him about the one you had yesterday considering you were busy with your initiation, and he was evidently here setting up this whole tent situation.

“Ben, I’m sorry,” He opened his mouth to cut you off yet again, but you stopped him. “Just let me finish. I’ll explain everything, okay?”

Reluctantly, he nodded, crossing his arms to continually express his discontent with you. You rolled your eyes, knowing he could never stay mad at you for longer than five minutes anyway.

“Yes, I had another vision yesterday. No, I didn’t tell you about it. It happened right after my test, when I went up to the spot on the hill to pick some of those white flowers to give you. It was short, not exactly as detailed as the nightmare. The voice, it was the same. It told me I hadn’t made the choice yet, and that to protect you I would have to ‘join’ them. The figure from last night, he was there too, but there was another as well, and I’m pretty sure it was me.”

Ben was clearly soaking in every word you were saying, slowly relaxing his arms from his body as you prepared to speak again. His anger had clearly subsided, and you took this shift as an opportunity to continue your explanation.

“I didn’t tell you because I thought it was just an empty threat, and I didn’t want you to worry about me more than you already do. I was gonna tell you eventually, yesterday just wasn’t the time, with the ceremony and all _this_ ,” You gestured to your surroundings with your arms spread wide. “I promise. I wasn’t hiding it from you, I just wanted to ignore it and be happy yesterday, to have it be a normal day. It was supposed to be such an amazing thing, the ceremony, and I wasn’t gonna let some bodiless voice take that away from me.” You let out a deep breath, satisfied that you had told him everything about the vision he needed to know, and why you chose not to tell him about it at that point.

“Is that why you were so tense at the ceremony?” You knew he was referring to the moment before you walked up to be initiated by Luke when you could barely stand on your own, Ben’s grip on you the only thing holding you up while simultaneously calming you down. You gave him a timid nod and he continued.

“So, you weren’t nervous because you hate some of the rules, you were nervous because…” He paused, clearly processing something in his head before quietly asking you, “You were considering it, weren’t you? You actually thought about going to the Dark Side instead of going through with the initiation, didn’t you?” Your stomach dropped at the shift in tone. What started as a simple question turned into a discrete accusation. He sounded incredibly disappointed in you, and that stung. Yesterday he was so proud of you for how far you’ve come, for all that you were willing to sacrifice to become a Jedi, and now he stared at you with crestfallen eyes.

“Well, I don’t know, maybe a little, I guess,” You weren’t going to tell him the extent to which you had deliberated the situation in your mind, knowing you would only upset him even further. “Those words just stuck in my head, and, I would do anything to protect you, so yeah, I guess I thought about it for a bit,” You had lowered your voice, scared that the words coming out of your mouth would only make Ben even more disenchanted with you. 

Ben said your name emphatically, “I don’t want you to do something like that to protect me. That’s just stupid, and reckless, and-”

“Excuse me?” Now it was you cutting him off, no more concern for the volume of your voice. “You look me in the eyes and tell me that not even a _little_ part of you would consider doing the same if the roles were reversed. Ben, you stayed up the whole night watching me sleep because of a kriffing _nightmare_. You’re seriously gonna call me stupid because I want to protect you? Are you kidding?” Angrily, you rose from the blanket and stormed towards the tent, absolutely enraged that he would call you stupid for trying to protect him. It’s not like you were considering just going to the Dark Side willingly, obviously it was for his benefit, so you were extremely hurt that he would insult you for thinking of his well being.

Ben called out your name and you knew he had risen from the blanket as well, trying to catch up with you as you quickly made your way across the sand. Realizing that going into the tent would mean he would just follow you in, you turned and rerouted, making your way into the thick brush next to it.

“Wait! Please just wait, I didn’t mean to call you stupid, I’m sorry!” He was yelling after you as you peeled away the branches and stepped into the dirt. Surrounded by trees, you let your bare feet carry you deeper into the wooded area, ignoring the sting of rocks and broken branches under your feet. You regretted not grabbing your shoes before deciding to walk in here, but you knew you couldn’t turn around now, you had too much pride to do that. 

The ground was damp and you felt your feet sinking into the leaf ridden ground as you continued to move through the trees, not entirely sure where you were going. Not only did you regret not grabbing your shoes, but having your lightsaber right now would be pretty nice too. The treetops covered the forest in shade, making it difficult to see completely. Squinting, you could have sworn you saw a figure ahead of you. Was that actually there? Or was your mind just playing tricks on you? Carefully, you moved closer to the mass ahead of you, doing your best to avoid stepping on any fragile twigs, wanting to remain silent as you approached. Your sight dwindled even more, and you felt your foot come down on a frail branch, a loud _snap_ resonating throughout the woods.

It was definitely a living creature. As soon as you stepped on the branch, you saw what you assumed to be a head whip around in your direction, and it rose, making its way toward you very menacingly. As the figure grew closer with every inch, you were surrounded in a thick fog, your head clouded, unable to discern if what was happening was real or not.

Then, you heard it. That familiar crackling of a lightsaber, the hum of energy from the weapon was deafening. There was a red glow, and you knew who it was.

_Kylo Ren?_

The masked monster reached out a hand, pinning you were you stood, unable to move a single muscle. He held out his lightsaber as he drew closer to you, letting it fall to his side when he was in your immediate proximity. You could hear the muffled breathing, distorted through the mask. The lightsaber retreated into the hilt and you watched as he situated it on his belt, and the feeling that you had seen this before crept into your mind. His gloved hands reached up to the mask, and this time, instead of waking up before you could see its face, you watched intently as the helmet hissed and clicked open. His head was facing the ground, but you knew it before he even looked up at you.

You knew that hair.

_It...what? No, it can’t be…_

The creature tossed its head back and you stifled a gasp. It was...Ben.

It was him. His hair, his eyes, his freckles, it was him. But at the same time, it wasn’t. There was a malicious energy behind those eyes, a violence in his glare. The way his jaw continually clenched and unclenched made it seem like he was just itching to thrust his saber into you right there. But then, the strangest thing happened. He reached his hand out to you, gesturing for you to take it. You stared at the glove extended in your direction, then looked at his eyes. The energy had totally shifted again, a desperate plea on his face. He released you from the Force hold and you hesitantly reached out your hand, letting it fall into the glove. Again, you set your eyes upon his face, the emotions behind his eyes seemingly battling for dominance.

_Is this what it’s like in his mind?_

He let his mouth fall open as he squeezed your hand in his. 

“Help...me…” His voice was full of anguish, and you watched as something glinted on his face. A single tear rolled down his cheek, and you studied it as it fell from his jaw onto the dirt ground.

“Ben...I-”

Before you knew it, the despair on his face was replaced with hatred and viciousness, and you didn’t even have time to register that he dropped your hand from his, instantly igniting his saber and thrusting it into you. You shut your eyes and let out a scream, falling to the ground.

You heard your name being shouted over and over again, but you were too scared to open your eyes. Suddenly, you felt bare hands on your shoulders, and you let your eyes flutter open to see Ben standing above you, the real Ben. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” Quickly, you looked down to your stomach, expecting to see a gaping wound, but there was nothing. Your eyes scanned the forest around you, no signs of anything else other than you and Ben. It wasn’t real. But why did it _feel_ so realistic? And why was Ben...why was he in that mask? Slowly, you pieced together the visions.

_“I will kill Ben Solo.”_ That was what Kylo Ren said in your nightmare. It was only then that you realized what that actually meant.

You shook your head and rubbed at your eyes, enforcing the knowledge that what you saw was just another vision, albeit a much more realistic one than any you’ve had before.

“I’m fine. I just tripped.” You still weren’t ready to just collapse into Ben’s arms and let him take care of you. It still stung a little bit, the fact that he was judging you for your consideration, and you were determined to stand your ground on your thought process behind it.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said, you aren’t stupid, I don’t know why I even said that.” You could hear the regret in his voice, making it harder to stay totally angry at him. The two of you really were the worst at holding grudges against each other. Sensing you weren't going to say anything, he continued.

“You were right. If I was having those visions, I would be thinking the same things that you were. I do want to protect you, and I know you want to protect me, but I would never want you to sacrifice yourself like that.” He walked in front of you and took hold of your hands, lifting you off the ground and pulling you into his chest. “I’m sorry, Ace.” You lifted your head off of him and stood on your tiptoes, leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“And I’m sorry for storming off, let’s just get back to the beach. These woods are kinda creepy.” He smiled and took your hand in his, leading you out of the forest.

As confused as this new vision had left you, you knew one thing for sure, you weren’t telling him about it. Regardless of your promise, not telling him about that little scene was your way of protecting him in your mind. He wouldn’t be able to handle it.

* * *

“Not bad! You’re doing really well,” Ben offered you the compliment after you let loose a purposeful swing of your saber towards him. You figured the best way to blow off the steam would be to practice your combat, because why not? The two of you had been trading blows back and forth for about an hour or so, and you were physically exhausted. Lunging towards Ben, you extended a rather lazy strike, which he parried effortlessly. Seizing the opening, he took an offensive stance and you ducked to avoid his strike, throwing yourself off balance. With a light push from his foot on your leg, you went tumbling down onto your back in defeat. You let out a loud huff as you laid in the sand, aggravated that the only clothes you brought were now riddled with grains of sand everywhere. You closed your eyes and groaned, thumping your balled up fists into the beach.

“Guess you’re used to being in that position, huh?” Your eyes shot open and you lifted your head up to glare at Ben, who was in a fit of laughter, Rolling your eyes, you pulled yourself into a seated position and attempted to dust off your arms and sift the sand out of your hair, pulling your fingers through it and shaking it out.

“Ha ha, very funny. What am I gonna do about clothes? Or a shower? I didn’t exactly pack for our little impromptu vacation,” Though your tone was light and joking, you were also serious. You only had these clothes, and if you were going to sleep there another night, you needed a fresh change of fabric.

“Don’t worry about the clothes,” Ben reached a hand down and gripped your arm, lifting you out of the sand while you swatted at your body, still trying to rid the sand from your clothes and skin. “I went to your hut during your test and got you a few things. And in terms of a shower, there’s always the ocean!” He laughed again, clearly amused at the struggle you were going through.

“Hang on, I thought you were asleep while I took my test? I reached out on the connection after I was done and you were so peaceful I figured you _had_ to be asleep.” You were genuinely curious and couldn’t put it together yourself.

“C’mon, Ace. You think I don’t know how to manipulate the Force Bond as much as you do? I let you believe I was asleep and just shut you out for as long as I needed to gather some of your stuff together.” Well that was certainly some important foresight on his part. You couldn’t help but be thankful he had tampered with the Bond, especially because it meant you could get out of these disgusting clothes.

“Well, thank you.” You said, matter-of-factly. “And you know what, maybe I will take a dip in the ocean,” walking away from Ben, you headed to the water. You stopped at one of the large rock spires and hid behind it, making sure you were out of his sight.

“But,” You could hear him yell after you, “then your clothes are gonna get all soggy!” You smiled to yourself, he really still was clueless. Quickly, you shimmied out of your pants, tossing them out from behind the rock, right in his line of vision.

“Who said anything about clothes?” You giggled to yourself as you pulled your soiled shirt over your head, throwing it on top of the pants to the side. You thought about stopping there, and just going in with your undergarments on, but you were having too much fun. Pulling down your underwear, you kept them in your hand as you pulled off your top layer as well, dramatically tossing them on top of the clothing pile. Before heading into the water, you reached out with the Bond, satisfied to see how he was feeling after your little show.

You jogged into the water, making sure to submerge your entire body so Ben couldn’t actually see anything. This was definitely risky, not being in the privacy of the tent, but you didn’t care. All these visions, the stress they were adding to your life, you weren’t gonna let yourself be bogged down by fear anymore. All you wanted was to feel free, and this certainly felt like that. Reaching your arm out of the water, you waved for Ben to join you.

“Come on in, the water’s fine!” You jubilantly shouted. While you floated in the water, you watched as Ben pulled his top over his head while he jogged towards you. He let his shirt fall as he continued to move to the ocean, stopping by your clothes to remove the rest of his own. Briskly, he shimmied his pants off, followed by his underwear, and you felt your cheeks grow hot. Part of you still couldn’t believe it, that the two of you had given in last night, and that you were here, doing this, right now.

He came bounding into the ocean, water spraying your face as he got closer. He sank himself down to meet you, even though he had no need since he could stand where you were. Leaning his head back, he let his hair fall into the water, pushing it behind his ears with his hands as he raised his head back out. Bringing his hand to your back, he pulled you into him, allowing his other hand to to play with the hair tucked behind your ear.

“You are just something else, huh,” The smile on his face was infectious, and you could feel your own smile widen as his fingers caressed your hair, soaked with salt water. It was moments like this that made everything else feel insignificant, like nothing else could or would ever matter other than the two of you, here and now.

“Just kiss me already, Solo,” Instantly, his wet lips connected with yours, and you could taste the saltiness of the water as you passionately kissed him back. Under the water, you wrapped your legs around his waist, and the sensation of your naked skin against each other while suspended in the ocean was indescribable. You buried your fingers into his damp hair, tugging at the saturated tendrils as his mouth moved against yours. You welcomed his tongue against yours, tilting your head to the side to allow him more access. The hand on your back slid down to grip your ass, giving it a squeeze underwater. The water was warm, but there were chills all over your body as Ben pulled your hair, eliciting a moan from you. You felt your lips vibrate against his when you released another breathy whimper as his fingers dug into your skin underwater, then pulling your hips tighter against his torso. 

As your hips grazed his cock, you heard him release a low grumble in his chest, kissing you with a newfound intensity. Releasing it from his back and travelling downwards, your hand met his cock under the water, and you gripped it, slowly beginning the pumping motion. He twitched in your hand, clearly enjoying the pressure you were applying, so you increased the speed of your hand and his head flew back in response. You latched your fingers tighter in his hair, pulling on his raven locks, as your mouth moved to his now exposed neck. Latching onto him, you sucked on his tender skin, making your way from underneath his jaw up to his ear, which you then took in your teeth and gave a light nibble.

“ _Oh,”_ Ben let out a deep moan as you continued to work him in your hand before he took his hand out of your hair, reaching down to grip your wrist and move your hand away. Without hesitation, he grabbed both sides of your hips and thrusted his cock in you, grunting as he slid inside. You let out a whimper as he moved in and out of you, your body feeling totally weightless under the water. Keeping one hand in his hair, you threw your other up onto his chest for stability. Momentarily you made eye contact, and you saw the feral look on his face, that uncontrollable lust driving his every motion. You brought your lips to his again while you dug your fingers into his chest. Sliding your lips against his, you took his bottom lip and gave a soft bite before bringing your mouth back onto his.

He increased the pace of his thrusts underwater, as much as he could, the pressure of the ocean restricting him slightly. This increased his frustration and you could feel his fingers burying themselves into your hips, the pressure increasing your bliss. All of a sudden, you felt the swirling of the Force on you, making you jolt forward onto Ben’s chest. He moved it around with such vigor, that the Force paired with the deep thrusts brought you to the edge almost instantaneously. You fought it off for as long as you could, wanting to make sure Ben was close too. Bucking your hips, you tightened yourself around him, the stimulation making him groan with satisfaction. Everything increased in speed, the Force and his cock working tirelessly as he railed into you, deeper and deeper with every push. 

“Ben, _Ben,”_ The warmth in your body rose to the breaking point, and you allowed yourself to be overcome with the tingling sensation all over your body. He continued to drive into you, carrying through your orgasm with an unreal intensity. Bliss washed over your senses and you let out a heavy sigh as the feeling took over, pulling on Ben’s hair as you nestled your face into his neck. With a few more pumps, Ben had reached his point as well. He moaned your name roughly, and you felt him spasm inside of you, his whole body quivering as he worked through his high. Panting, he slowly released his fingers from your hips, pulling himself out of you, and you unwrapped your legs from his body, floating in the water, your body drained of all energy. His salty lips pressed onto your forehead, lingering there for a few moments, before he drew them away and smiled at you.

“Like I said, you are something else,” He began to let his body drift back towards the shore, and instinctively you followed. “Stay in for a minute, I’ll go grab a fresh blanket to wrap you in.”

Nodding, you remained in the water, keeping your body submerged to guard yourself from the chill in the air. Ben exited the water, and you just couldn’t help but watch him jog, totally naked, back to the tent. He was undeniably handsome, but his body was like a work of art, his muscular physique like a statue. You thought about him while he was in the tent, about how much you cared about him, and you thought about maybe telling him how you felt later tonight. It would be the right time, after he did all of this for you, and after everything the two of you had done while you were here, it made sense to tell him. The thought terrified you at the same time, even though you knew he felt the same. Saying the words out loud, it was just so real, and you couldn’t help but feel like admitting that was dangerous.

Ben emerged from the tent in some fresh pants, his hair clearly toweled off, but still damp, and remained shirtless. He made his way to the edge of the water and opened up the blanket, indicating that you could come out. You saw to where you could stand, and then wrapped your arms around your body as you walked towards him. Turning so your back faced him, he draped the blanket around you and wrapped you tightly in it, before you grabbed the material in your own hands.

“Thank you,” You acknowledged the gesture, and the two of you began to walk back to the blanket he had set up earlier for your meal. He picked up the clothes that littered the sand, before telling you to go ahead to the tent. You didn’t argue, wanting to change into some of those fresh clothes he told you he brought. As he packed up the small picnic by the rock, you ducked into the tent and saw exactly what he meant. He had laid out one of your sweaters and some pants, along with the necessary undergarments.

_Thank goodness._ Letting the blanket fall around you, you reached down and grabbed the underwear, stepping your feet through the holes and bringing them up your legs. You grabbed your other undergarment and slid it over your head, following it with the boxy black sweater. Ben walked in as you were shimmying your leg through your pants, hopping to get them all the way on. You shook out your hair, doing your best to manage an attempt at brushing through it with your fingers.

“I love your hair like that. It makes you look so, free, or something,” He dropped the various items he brought in from outside, leaving the clothes outside the tent but bringing in his bag and the blanket.

“I guess it kinda does, huh,” You finished dragging your fingers through it and saw him tossing a shirt over his head. The light outside had begun to fade, so you settled in on the ground, and Ben sat across from you. He brought his bag in between the two of you and brought out the same milks from earlier, along with some other food you chose not to finish, considering you stormed away in defiance. As much as you had been occupied during the day, the events in the forest were nagging your every thought now, and you knew it would be keeping you up tonight. 

* * *

As you settled down for the night, you brought the warm blanket up to your chin as you snuggled your head against the pillow underneath you. Ben’s arm was draped around your body and you absorbed the sense of security he provided you. After training for so long, followed by your little romp in the ocean, the two of you were dead tired, so you didn’t last very long after eating before you both felt tired enough to sleep.

Your body fit against Ben’s perfectly, and you did your best to push all the negative thoughts about the day from your mind as you tried to drift off.

“Goodnight,” Ben whispered delicately, followed by your name. You could feel how tired he was, he practically slumped onto the ground when he laid down next to you.

“Goodnight, Ben,” He planted a light kiss on your shoulder before shifting away slightly in an attempt to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Shutting your eyes, you just knew it would be a while until you would be able to rest. 

You laid there for over an hour trying to force yourself to go to sleep, tempted to _literally_ use the Force to sleep, but then how would you wake up? Shaking away the ridiculous notion, you turned to face Ben, who had since removed his arm from your body as he rolled around in his sleep. You were happy to see he was at peace, it was a nice change for him. Quietly, you untucked yourself from the blanket and walked over to your bag, thinking now would be a good time to finally write that note for Ben. You sat down in the corner, wanting not to disturb him.

Opening up the journal, you admired the pressed white flowers, removing them in order to write your message. You lacked the strength to say it out loud, so you were determined to put it down in words, knowing it was time to tell him. You removed the pen from your bag and began to scribble down your feelings on the page.

> Dear Ben,
> 
> Thank you. Thank you for this amazing weekend, for the thought you put into this whole setup and making sure it was special for the both of us. Thank you for being an amazing mentor, for all the late night studying and food deliveries, you kept me alive during that stressful period. Thank you for being the most caring boy I have ever known, for protecting me and always putting me first, even when I sometimes wish you wouldn’t. Thank you for believing in me from the start, for pushing me to be the best Jedi I can be, and allowing me to make you proud.

You stopped and took a deep breath, before returning to the page.

> Thank you for not only being my best friend, but for being the only boy I have ever, and will ever, love.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulders, and you smiled, content with yourself for being able to write it down. You continued, closing out the letter.

> I can’t wait to travel the galaxies with you someday, Sleepyhead.
> 
> Forever yours,

Signing your name at the bottom, you reread the words and let out a quiet sigh. It may not have been much, but you knew it was enough. You wanted it to be sweet and simple, kind’ve like how you always wanted everything to be, as much as your life may not reflect that. Tearing the page from the journal, you laid it on top of the book, accompanied by the fragile flowers from the hill.

_Maybe life really can be this simple someday, this effortless._ You couldn’t help but hope that would be true, that nothing would ever be able to come between you. As you made your way back to the setup of pillows and blankets, you felt a small pain growing in your temple. Maybe just a headache? You tried to shake it away, but the piercing only increased, and you felt your heart drop.

Someone was in your mind. Not only that, but you felt a sinister presence. They weren’t immediately near you, no, but they were on this planet. You desperately rubbed at your head with your hands, begging to be rid of this feeling, but then came that oh so familiar voice.

_Come._ It beckoned. You had no idea what to do. As much as you knew the visions were no longer empty threats, you didn’t expect to be faced with such a choice so soon after experiencing them. You cloaked your mental tie from Ben, not wanting to wake him, not wanting him to feel the pain in your mind.

_It is time. Follow your senses, you must leave this place, now._

Violently, you shook your head, still remaining quiet. You didn’t want Ben to see this, to know that this was even happening.

_No,_ you thought to yourself, hoping the voice would hear you. _I… I can’t. I won’t._

_No?_ The voice coyly responded. _Look at him._

Your gaze fell to Ben, peacefully asleep on the ground. He shifted slightly, pulling the blankets tight to his chest as he let out a deep breath. His hair gracefully feel over his eyes, the tip of it grazing his nose. 

_You want to protect him, don’t you? To save him, from Kylo Ren?_

Of course you did. Even though he told you he didn’t want you to do something so reckless for him, did you really have a choice? You knew you would never be able to forgive yourself if you let him fall down that path, the one that so many feared he was destined for. Right now, you had the chance to change that, to prevent him from becoming a creature in a mask.

_Yes,_ you replied in your mind. _I do want to protect him._

_Then come,_ the voice demanded.

You shuddered, the tears welling up in your eyes. Blinking slowly, a few rolled down your cheeks as you accepted what had to be done. Silently, you walked over to your bag and grabbed your lightsaber and gripped it tightly in your hand. You thought about wrapping yourself in your Jedi robes, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were ashamed of what you were doing, letting down the Order in favor of protecting the person you loved. This was why the attachment was wrong, you knew, because you were willing to risk everything to ensure his safety. Your hand moved over the fabric, wanting to feel it against your skin one final time. Upon removing your hand from the robes, you picked up the note and flowers, running your thumb over the fragile blossom as you moved towards Ben. You bent down and laid the contents of your hand on the pillow which you had previously been resting on. Your gaze lingered on his face, blissfully unaware of what you were doing, and you could physically feel your heart shatter in your chest. He would be so upset, so angry, so sad that you were doing this, and you couldn’t bear the thought of Ben hating you for what you did. You felt another tear escape your eye and it cascaded down your face, falling onto the note below you.

“I’m so sorry.” You whispered these words to him, then rose from the crouching position and moved to the exit of the tent, looking over your shoulder one more time to soak in his appearance, not sure if or when you would ever be able to see him again.

“I will always love you, Ben Solo. _Always.”_ Holding back the urge to burst into sobbing, you turned away and moved the flap of the tent. Stepping outside, you put on your shoes quickly and moved toward the woods, following your senses through the trees. As soon as you knew you were out of ear shot, you let the tears flow freely, struggling to breath in between your breathy cries.

At least he would be safe here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew this one was a rollercoaster...  
> yes i made myself cry with the end but DON'T HATE ME still so much more of this story to come, I promise it will be a satisfying ending... eventually ;)


	12. The Aftermath of Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has to deal with the heavy realization of what you've done, and is determined to make it right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is in Ben's POV.

Ben yawned into his pillow as he stretched out his limbs, his chest flat on the ground with his exposed back feeling the warmth of the sun’s beams coming through the opening in the tent. As his right arm fell to the ground, his eyes shot open. You should have been there. You should have been right where his arm had carefully landed, where he now felt a pile of blankets. Worried, he pushed himself off of the ground, and saw you weren’t there. He stood up quickly and scanned the tent in a panic, with you nowhere to be seen. 

Pushing the flap of the tent to the side, Ben ran out into the sand, screaming your name.

Silence.

He reached out on the connection, but he was met with the strongest barricade you could manage.

_ Why doesn’t she want me in there? Where is she? Is she okay?  _

Focusing in on the tether, he used every ounce of his power to try and force his way into your thoughts, but despite his efforts, it was to no avail. Even without seeing your mind, he could sense that your presence was gone from the area, your physical body was nowhere near him. But, he knew you were alive. If you had died, he would have felt it, regardless of the boundaries you could put up in your mind. Your souls were intertwined, the two of you were destined to play a role in the other’s life, so he knew that he would be able to feel if you had passed.

“If she’s not dead,” Ben thought out loud, knowing he was all alone, “maybe, maybe she was taken. Maybe she could be being tortured, maybe that’s why she blocked me out.” He felt needles erupt all over his body, wincing at the thought of you enduring the pain of any form of torture. He began to jog back towards the tent, hoping to find any sort of clue or crumb of evidence of what happened to you.

“Does this have to do with her vision? Maybe they came and took her, but, how would I have slept through that? There’s absolutely no way I wouldn’t have felt something, anything, I…” He stopped in his tracks as he came upon the entrance. 

Your shoes were gone.

_ Who would take her, but stop and let her put on her shoes first? _

The harsh reality began to set in as he realized a new possibility. You left willingly. Ben tore aside the flap of the tent, desperate for any answers he could find inside, and that’s when he saw it. How had he not seen it before? A neatly folded piece of paper with a white flower resting on top. Right on your pillow, right where he had seen your beautiful face lay next to his, where there were still traces of your locks of hair, glistening in the morning sun. Hesitantly, Ben knelt down onto the ground and lifted the flower up. It was fragile, it had been pressed, he could tell. It was a few of those delicate white flowers from the hill, the ones he knew you loved. He held it carefully in his palm, before laying it back down on the pillow and lifting up the parchment. With trembling hands, he unfolded it, and began to read.

_ Dear Ben, _

_ Thank you. Thank you for this amazing weekend, for the thought you put into this whole setup and making sure it was special for the both of us. Thank you for being an amazing mentor, for all the late night studying and food deliveries, you kept me alive during that stressful period. Thank you… _

He stopped reading for a moment, the words on the page not giving him the information he was looking for. Shaking his head, he refocused on the words on the page, his thoughts hanging on the edge of every inked letter. Ben read the rest of the letter out loud, in order to immerse himself into the contents of the note fully and hear your words spoken.

“...for being the most caring boy I have ever known, for protecting me and always putting me first, even when I sometimes wish you wouldn’t. Thank you for believing in me from the start, for pushing me to be the best Jedi I can be, and allowing me to make you proud. Thank you for not only being my best friend, but for being…”

Again, he paused. His eyes had already glanced over the rest of the line, but he needed to make sure he was seeing it clearly, that he wasn’t seeing what he wanted to see.

“... the only boy I have ever, and will ever, love. I can’t wait to travel the galaxies with you someday, Sleepyhead. Forever yours,” He let your name pass through his trembling lips, the sting of fresh tears resting on the edges of his eyelids.

Though this note told him nothing explicitly, somehow it allowed him to understand what happened last night. 

You loved him. You said it yourself, right there on this frail little piece of paper in his hands. He knew it then, that your love caused you to do something reckless and irrational for his sake. You gave in. Submitted. To the voice in your nightmares. How, he had no idea. Whipping his head around the room, he noticed your Jedi robes on the floor next to your bag. He stood and walked over, crouching down to pick up both items in his hands. The first thing he noticed was the lack of lightsaber in your bag.

_ Well,  _ he thought to himself.  _ At least she can protect herself, as long as they didn’t take it from her.  _

Dropping the bag down, he stretched out the robes across his arms, dipping his hand into the pocket. He had forgotten to remind you to check your pocket, the night of the initiation. The present he had tucked in there for you, he felt it in his rough palm, its material a stark contrast to that of the robes. Slowly, he pulled it from the robes, letting them fall to the ground as he ran his fingers over the object. He felt the tears gliding down his cheeks as he closed his fist around it, feeling hopeless.

Ben hated this feeling. Lonely. Isolated. Depressed. The minute you had arrived at the Temple, the threat of his perpetual sadness had all but disappeared from his consciousness. With you around, Ben balanced his inner turmoil, allowing the pull to the Light to outshine the beckoning from the Dark. Without you, he didn’t know what he would do. He knew you must have left to protect him from going to the Dark, but you had no idea what you leaving would do to him. If anything, this made him feel darker than ever before.

He had lost you. You  _ left  _ him. After promising to never abandon him, you  _ lied _ . His tears of sadness now mixed with feelings of anger and frustration, he let out an indescribable noise full of anguish and pain, his mind full of conflicting thoughts of whether he should be sad or enraged with you for your decision to leave. Just yesterday the two of you had talked about the nightmare and visions you had been having, and he made it painstakingly clear that he would never want you to risk your own life for his, yet here he was, clinging onto the memory of you when he should have woken up with you wrapped tightly in his arms.

Ben collapsed to the ground, his hands moving to his face, then up to his hair, which he pulled at violently, trying to release his pain in some physical way. He blinked open his eyes and reached out a hand, summoning his lightsaber with the Force. On his knees, he watched as the blade roared to life, humming with energy. He stood and marched out of the tent once more, making his way to whatever the closest object would be.

He turned to his left, an isolated, large tree directly in front of him. With a yell, Ben began to swing his weapon violently at the tree, unleashing a flurry of attacks against it. The saber was leaving scorch marks against the bark, deep gashes of black, edges flickering red and orange with the scent of burning wood. Ben was panting heavily, hair hanging in front of his eyes, teeth clenched tightly. With a final scream he thrust his lightsaber into the tree once more, before disengaging the weapon as the tree erupted in a burst of fire. Ben stared as the flames danced up the base and reached the top, smoke ascending into the morning sky. The release he had momentarily felt while assaulting the object was fleeting, and now he was left feeling empty and ashamed. He sank to his knees, melting into the sand, as he witnessed the woodland creatures all screech as they saw the tree burning, making their way deeper into the forest to avoid the wreckage.

Hopelessly, he thought about you. About your face, your smile, your breathtaking eyes. The way your hair cascaded down your back when you finally took it out of those braids. The way you looked at him, like he was the only thing in the universe that somehow mattered to you. He desperately wanted to see those eyes again, to reassure him that he was someone who was worthy of being loved, of being adored. Even though you had said you loved him in the note, without hearing it from your lips, he still felt rejected, like he was unworthy of ever actually being loved by anyone. 

His own parents had sent him away at such a young age, his own mother afraid of his power that she sensed. He missed them, even if he wouldn’t admit to it outloud. He admired his father so much, desperately wanting to be just like him and become a pilot, to do something for the galaxy like he had. He thought about those flight lessons, when Han and Chewie would take the two of you out in the Falcon, testing your capabilities. You were a natural. He remembered how impressed Han was with your innate talent for flying, and that little twinge of jealousy he harbored when Han patted you on the back. But, Ben soon proved to be just as good.

_ “Between the two of you,” _ Han had once said, the smile on his face apparent,  _ “You could have single handedly taken down the Empire!”  _ Ben thought about how Chewie roared in agreement, ruffling the hair on top of Ben and your heads.

Ben knew it was a joke, but part of him always felt like it could be true. The two of you together felt like an unstoppable force, like nothing in the galaxy would be able to compete with you.

That was, until now. Without you by his side, he genuinely felt like less than a whole, and he wondered if you felt the same too. It wasn’t just because of how broken his heart was, but it felt as though his soul had literally been torn in half as soon as he woke up and realized you weren’t there. He raised his head to look upon the burning tree again, the image stirring something in his subconscious. It reminded him of something, and he rifled through his thoughts to focus in on it, wondering if his own mind was trying to show him something he needed to see. 

The tree in front of him began to morph, but Ben knew this was simply a transference of his thoughts, a way for his mind to show him what to focus on. Shrinking down, the tree began to condense, and it took on a humanoid form, but not a complete one. In front of him was a shadow surrounded by flames, and he knew instantly what, or rather who, it was as what appeared to be hair fell in waves from the shadow’s head.

It was  _ you.  _ A reincarnation of the vision he had all those weeks before, when you stood in front of him burning, after he let his passion overtake him. But, what does  _ this _ mean now? Why was him taking out his anger on that tree harkening back to that horrible nightmare of you dying in his arms? 

Ben watched as the shadow took a step towards him, the flames dissipating around your form as you began to take a more solid shape. The line between whether this was still his subconscious memory or if it was a new vision altogether was completely blurred as you came more clearly into view, your face still unable to be seen as a hooded cloak seemingly was draped around your body. By letting you get away, by not protecting you, did he let them turn you into  _ this? _ Some dark being? Instinctively, Ben reached out his arm towards you, but as soon as he was close enough to brush the fabric that was your cloak, the shadow disappeared and he was left reeling in the sand, lost. As soon as your shape had appeared, you were just as quickly gone from his sight, forcing his eyes to refocus on the charred tree in front of him.

He sat silently, desperately trying to piece together the meaning of his combined recollection and new vision, in hopes of finding a way to save you from yourself. He thought about how his lack of control and submission to the aggression he demonstrated as he struck the tree could have been linked to his lack of control of his emotions with you, that maybe giving into the passion had resulted in your doomed fate in some twisted way. Thinking that was the case, Ben allowed the guilt to swallow him up, unable to think of any other reason other than the fact that the emotions you two acknowledged had forced you into this situation. Maybe if Ben never showed his interest, maybe if he was able to keep his feelings a secret, you wouldn’t have been so willing to succumb to the Dark Side for his benefit. Voices swirled around in his head, convoluting messages bouncing back and forth in his brain, unable to discern who and what they were. Calamitous images spiraling in his mind, Ben felt as though the only source of Light inside was being choked out by the darkness, and he crawled his way out of the deep pit of violence in his head.

Gasping for breath, he thought of you again. You were the reason his light felt so vibrant recently, and even if you weren’t there to encourage that, he was trying his best to cling to the goodness you embodied, knowing your sacrifice would all be for naught should he too fall to the darkness. Standing, Ben made his way back into the tent, preparing to trek back to the Temple. He shuddered at the thought of having to tell Luke what happened, but also knew he might be able to help him figure out how to save you. He knew that he disapproved of your connection and would likely forbid Ben from going anywhere involving those who practiced the Dark ways of the Force, but maybe he would be able to do something. It was no secret that Ben was the most powerful young Jedi considering his lineage, but your abilities were nothing to scoff at either. Ben hoped that the thought of the Dark Side, and through association, the First Order, manipulating your talents would be a grave enough threat that Luke would have to do something. If it came down to it, Ben would always be more powerful, but there were techniques that Light side users did not practice, techniques that Ben imagined you would be forced to learn and utilize as a weapon for their agenda. The thought of you being manipulated by them to do their bidding caused Ben to feel immense pain and guilt again, but he tried to focus on the chance that Luke too would fear their use of you and do something to help you.

Hurriedly, he packed up all of his stuff into his bag before grabbing your things and packing them up too. The feeling of your robes in his hand sent chills down his spine, it was a reminder of all that you chose to leave behind for his sake. He shoved them into your bag and slung it over his shoulder, the only thing left to take sitting on the ground. Crouching, Ben picked up the fragile flowers and your note, delicately placing the blooms in his bag, trying his best not to harm them. He unfolded and read your letter one more time before placing that too in his bag, before glancing around the tent one last time. This was supposed to be a special place for you, one where you were safe from everything else in the galaxy, where the two of you could just exist with each other. That had been ripped away, and now it felt cold and unforgiving as he gazed upon the empty structure. He exited the tent and pulled on his shoes at the entrance, wanting to be as far away from this place as possible. Trudging through the sand, Ben glanced behind him at the roaring waters crashing on the beach. He thought about how being there made you feel free, how much you craved that escape from the Temple, and a momentary idea came across his mind.

_ Maybe...maybe she doesn’t want to come back. Maybe she feels...free. _

He shoved the notion to the back of his mind, not wanting to think about that for another second. No. You were trapped, you weren’t free. You only did this to protect him, not to get away from the Order, even though you hated most of the rules. You would leave with him, should you be given the chance to. You  _ had  _ to.

* * *

After what felt like the longest couple of hours in his life, Ben was finally back on the Temple grounds. Left alone with only his own thoughts on the walk back, he was driving himself deeper and deeper into misery, and he was beyond relieved when he was the Temple in the distance as he neared the settlement. He had dropped off his things in his hut, along with yours, and made his way to where he knew Luke would be, in the main hall. Shoving open the main doors, he wasn’t surprised to see that Luke was meditating in front of the main stage area. Not wanting to interrupt his practice, Ben made his way to one of the rows of seats and sat down, prepared to meditate himself until Luke was finished. Ben sat and closed his eyes, but before he could drift away into a state of peaceful nothingness, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Ben.” He opened his eyes and swung around to meet Luke’s gaze, concern etched all over his face.

“Master Skywalker, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you, I just-”

“What happened?” Ben’s heart sank. He had been dreading hearing the words come out of his mouth, for that would make it too real. Inhaling a deep breath, he let it go as he readied himself for the reaction he was about to receive.

“She, she’s gone. I think, well, I’m not sure what really happened, but I think she left willingly, that she gave in to the voices of the Dark Side, the ones we both have been hearing.” He watched the scowl on Luke’s face appear, and quickly continued talking, determined to prevent Luke from forming an opinion of you too soon. “She left for me. She didn’t leave because she  _ wanted  _ to, no, she couldn’t. She had, no,  _ has _ , so much light in her still. The only reason she would have gone was to protect me, it’s the only option she thought she had.” Ben’s heart was racing, struggling to come to terms with the harsh reality that you really were gone, but also panicking as he awaited Luke’s reaction to the news. The two of you had not exactly been open with discussing the thoughts and visions you had been experiencing with your Master, even though he gave you very strict instructions to do so.

“She loves you.”

Ben blinked.  _ Did he really just say that? _

“Master, I-”

Luke waved a hand to silence Ben. He took the seat next to him, his gaze fixed on the floor below his feet.

“I warned you.  _ Both  _ of you. You let the attachment and your feelings for each other become far too involved. I should never have let you go this weekend. I thought the best of the two of you, that you wouldn’t be so reckless as to let the passion overtake you.” 

Ben was stunned. He realized how ignorant he was to think that Luke didn’t know how the two of you felt, and he felt like an idiot for not heeding the warning from his Master, but it was too late now. He couldn’t just wish away how he felt about you, especially knowing that you felt the same.

Luke shook his head. “Do you think me blind? That I could not sense your affection for each other? You know the only reason she stayed here was because I allowed her to, for your sake. To keep you safe. And I will always keep that promise to your mother and father, above all else, I have to keep you safe. If that means letting her go to the Dark Side in your stead to balance your own destiny, then I can at least thank her for sparing your soul for her own.”

Anger. That’s all Ben felt. How could he say that? How was he so accepting of the fact that you had just condemned your life for Ben’s? Ben swiveled his head to look upon his Master, rage bubbling under the surface.

“Are you serious? You’re just going to let them  _ take her? _ To use and manipulate her power for their vile agenda?” Ben suppressed the urge to yell, knowing any expression of his inner vexation would only irritate Luke further and the conversation would be over before it could even really happen.

“You have to see that my hands are tied, Ben. You are my first priority, because-”

“Because if it was me in that position I’d be capable of a lot worse things than her?” He caved. The fury festering under the surface came out as Ben stood and yelled at his Master.

“Yeah, I know that’s why. I’ve spent my whole  _ life _ threatened by what you and my parents think I’ll become, but guess what? I’m still here, and she’s not. They got what they wanted. They have a Jedi that they can use as a weapon against the galaxy. They’re going to break her and make her do horrendous things, things that she would be appalled to even think of. And it doesn’t even  _ kriffing  _ matter to you, because it’s not me. You were so single-minded in your attempts to shelter me, they went for their next best option. They played her because they knew she would do anything to protect me from that path, and she got no sympathy from you. If you knew she would do anything for me, why didn’t you push her to open up more? To give her guidance? She was  _ terrified _ of telling you the thoughts in her head because she thought you would cast her and her thoughts aside like you’ve done to me, your own nephew. Why didn’t you help her? Why didn’t you sense ANYTHING!”

His voice reverberated around the empty grand hall, the outrage in his voice booming through the room. It was as if you could practically feel the exasperation in the air. His inability to keep his temper controlled had resulted in an explosion of his thoughts, causing Luke to look dejected, as well as displeased.

“I told her to come to me with news of your thoughts and visions. Both of you. And she didn’t. She chose to keep that information to herself, so how would I have known she was struggling with this decision? You have been so foolish, Ben, you let your emotions cloud all of your judgment and logic, all for this girl. You should be thankful it is her and not yourself in this position, honor her sacrifice, instead of fighting against it.”

“Thankful?  _ Thankful?  _ You expect me to be happy that she’s off wherever, probably being tortured to let go of the Light in her to serve the Dark side? No, I’m not thankful, and she knows that. I’m just so...angry, and...confused, and…” Ben collapsed onto the ground, tears gathering in his eyes as he shoved his face into his hands. He mumbled to himself in his hands, just loud enough so Luke would hear him.

“I love her. And I’m going to save her.”

Luke crouched down and laid his hand on his shoulder once again, in a weak attempt to comfort him.

“We will discuss this further, but later. Go, get some rest. You need to think things through with a clear mind.”

Ben felt Luke’s hand fade away from his shoulder, but he did not stand yet. He waited until he knew he was gone, that his presence was far from his own, before standing and exiting the hall. With his head down, Ben ignored the prying eyes of the other students as he made his way to his hut, eyes glued to his feet. He tossed open the door to his room and slammed it shut, making his way into the refresher. 

Angrily, he tore the clothes from his body before stepping into the shower, hoping the hot water would allow him to mull over his thoughts and decide what he could possibly do next. As the water ran down his hair and back, he pictured your face, smiling back at him. He knew one thing for sure. He was going to save you. How, when, he had no idea. Ben knew he would not be able to face whatever, or whoever, had beckoned you away from the safety of the Temple, at least not yet. He would have to train rigorously, to master the ways of the lightsaber, if he were to even have a chance of getting to you. It occurred to him that to stop the voice from manipulating the two of you, he would have to kill them, whoever they were. What initially started as a plan to save you was slowly turning into a realization that the only way to protect you for good would be to take down the First Order, to bring balance to the whole galaxy, and he knew he couldn’t do that alone. And that’s when it occurred to him.

The resistance. He knew they had been reforming in reaction to the threat of the First Order overtaking the galaxy, Luke had told the students about it months ago, part of the reason their training was so important right now. Ben quickly finished scrubbing down his body, the hope of being able to save you the only thing running through his mind. He thought about how he would present it to Luke as he toweled off and got dressed, knowing it would be a tough sell, especially after blowing up in front of him earlier. Any time he showed his anger, Luke instantly was on edge, thinking it was a reflection of the inner turmoil Ben constantly struggled with, but this time was different. It was purely his emotions for you that caused him to become so hostile, but he knew Luke didn’t care about the difference. Ben quickly laced up his boots and made his way to the dining hall, where he knew everyone was at that point in the night. He was practically running there, his wet hair being dried by the wind as he made his way to the entrance.

As soon as he stepped inside, he saw Luke in the corner, and made his way briskly over. Luke looked troubled as he stared at the bread in his hand, and Ben knew it had to do with their conversation not even an hour earlier. His eyes rose from the crust in his hand as Ben stood across from him.

“Ben, I thought I told you to rest, and take your time thinking everything over,” He sounded irritated.

“Master,” Ben sat down across from him, out of breath. “I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I let my emotions control me and should not have let such anger consume me. But I did think about everything, and I think you will like what I have to say.” Ben let his confidence carry through him, knowing he needed to do his best to convince Luke of such an insane idea.

“I know you don’t want me risking my own life for hers, that you think I shouldn’t save her, and while I disagree, I think I have a compromise.” Ben could sense the hesitation in Luke’s demeanor as he reluctantly nodded, indicating that he should continue to speak.

“You have been teaching us about the importance of the Jedi Order and their duty to keep the galaxy safe. It’s clear that the First Order, and whoever is in control of it, is planning something. Why else would they take her so soon into her training? She’s not that technically skilled yet, so, well, what if the voice in our visions, what if it’s a Sith? What if they are going to train her in the Dark ways of the Force? Then, she could become insanely powerful and be difficult to contain should they successfully manipulate her and use her as a weapon.” Ben’s eyes were wide, the words effortlessly flowing as he developed his approach to asking the question.

“Continue.” Luke beckoned, the scowl from his face now gone, replaced with concentration on what Ben was saying.

“Well, they would no doubt use her to disrupt the peace in the galaxy, to throw everything out of balance. What I’m saying, well, proposing, is that saving her is a form of our Jedi duty, our allegiance to the Code. It seems clear that whoever is in both of our heads is evil and has to be dealt with regardless, if you really want to protect me, that is. And if we take her back before she is too far gone, they can’t use her to carry out any massive attacks, so we could hypothetically take down the First Order  _ and  _ save her at the same time!” Ben knew how ridiculous that last line must have sounded, as the look of intense focus on Luke’s face shifted when he raised an eyebrow at him.

“Who exactly is ‘we,’ might I ask?” The skepticism was very apparent in his Master’s tone.

Ben took a deep breath before answering.

“The resistance.”

Luke was silent for a few moments, He shifted in his seat, clearly thinking through what Ben had spewed at him. Slowly, he opened his mouth and spoke with caution.

“Ben, do you understand how big of a task that would be? If it is a Sith lord, it will be no easy feat to take them on. You are just a child, and few experienced Jedi have ever bested a Sith, you know that. And this would be no simple plan either, we would have to take our time collecting intelligence and corroborating with what remains of the Resistance to even devise some semblance of strategy to take down the First Order. We barely know anything about them as of right now.” The seriousness in Luke’s tone was clear, and Ben knew that he still needed convincing, which he understood. 

“Master, I have never been more sure about something in my life. What if, can we just reach out to my mother and father? See what they have to say as well? She was like a child to them too, and I know they would still do anything to protect the galaxy again.” He was pleading at this point, desperate to gain Luke’s approval of his insane idea. Ben knew deep down that he wasn’t wrong either. The fact that they took you so abruptly, they had to be conditioning you for something, something big. Something that would put them in control of the galaxy, a new galactic empire, so to speak. And while he knew he somewhat used that factor as part of his conditioning to get Luke to agree with him, it was true as well. If the Jedi truly wanted to protect, the First Order needed to be dealt with, before they could gain too much power, before they used you as a killing machine.

“Allow me to meditate on the matter. I cannot give you an immediate answer, but I pray you not do anything irrational while I think on it. Is that clear?”

Ben had already sprung up from his seat, beaming from the possibility of a “yes” from Master Skywalker. “Of course, Master. Of course,” Ben left Luke by himself, not wanting his presence to make him rethink his openness to the idea. He grabbed some of the bread remains from the mess hall and walked back to his hut, positivity flowing through him.

_ Just hang on, Ace _ . He thought to himself, hoping there was a slim chance of you hearing him.  _ I promise, I will bring you home _ .

* * *

That night, as Ben tucked himself into his small bed, he felt like he could sense something, but despite his best efforts, he couldn’t determine who, or what, it was. As he laid his head down on his pillow, he let his mind drift to the thought of you, peacefully sleeping next to him in the tent just a few days ago. He was determined to keep that image of you in his mind, to not let your absence consume him, because he knew if he did, the emotions would ruin him. He looked at the bedside table, the gift he had not been able to give to you sitting on top of it. Then, the idea occurred to him. He wanted to try to reach out one last time, to try something.

Ben leaned up in bed, grabbed the small object from the table, crossed his legs and focused all of his energy on the tether between the two of you.

_ Come on,  _ he thought, pleading with you to let down the barrier just briefly to let him inside.  _ Let me in, just for a minute _ .

The gates protecting your mind didn’t budge. He thought he could feel your presence, as if you were there, but that you were choosing not to let him see you. Sighing, he opened his eyes, and the sensation hit him. He could feel you, but he couldn’t see you.

_ Maybe this will still work,  _ he thought as he moved his clenched fist into his pocket. He dropped the object into the pocket of his sweats and removed his hand.

He attempted to speak to you, your name flowing through his mind.

_ If you can hear me, take this. Please. And,  _ he paused, the feeling of your presence slowly waning away.

_ I’m so sorry. Forgive me, for not protecting you. I promise, we will be together again. Just please, hang in there. I love you. _

As the final words transferred through the Bond, the connection was broken. The connection had lasted maybe a minute at most, so he didn’t even know if it was real. At first, Ben had no way of knowing if you had heard him, but then he patted his pocket where he had put the gift, and it was empty.

Ben smiled softly, knowing you were still out there, and that you got what he wanted to give you. You could hear him, and that was all he needed to know to keep him going. He laid back down, his hair splaying all over the pillow, eyelids fluttering closed. 

You were out there, alive, and you could still hear him.

That was enough for him, to know that he could still save you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter, I have been very busy lately and writing Ben's POV can be suuuuper tricky so I wanted to take my time and do it justice!
> 
> If you've got a guess for what he gave her as a gift, drop it in the comments ;)
> 
> Thank you for the support and love for the story, as I am sure you can tell from this chapter, there is still a ways to go for this fic!


	13. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find your way through the forest, meeting up with those who are going to take you away from the Temple, to your new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Reader's POV!
> 
> This chapter picks up where Chapter 11 left off, eventually coinciding with the Ben's POV in Chapter 12 (you'll know when!)

Stumbling through the forest, you finally reached a clearing in the trees, the Force pulling you out into the open. It had felt like hours making your way through the thick, wooded region, but part of you knew that the immense guilt in your heart is what made it seem so long. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness of the open area, and you saw something glint in the distance. Your feet carried you across the dirt and over to the top of a path, and there it sat, at the foot of the trail.

A ship. It was cold and uninviting. That was going to take you to your new life, a life you never would have imagined for yourself. Your feet felt heavy as you trudged down the path towards the starship, and you watched as it hissed, the ramp falling down to meet the ground as steam came from the sides. Out from the ship walked a young man, around your age, with stark red hair. You waltzed up to him, and you could tell he looked nervous, even with two Stormtroopers flanking his sides.

“I am Lieutenant Hux,” He said, stately. “You will follow me aboard, and we will be on our way immediately.” Abruptly, he turned around and made his way up the ramp, the clanking of the Stormtroopers’ boots on the metal the only thing you could hear.

This felt so familiar, for so many reasons. You felt like Ben, when he left Chandrila to come here as a child. The fear and hesitation as he stepped onto Master Skywalker’s ship was so clear when he left home. And here you were, but this time, you were the one leaving him. As you placed your first foot onto the extended metal, your mind flashed to the day you arrived at the Temple. That sensation when you flew out of the ship and ran to, or rather jumped onto, Ben. A reunion that had been over a decade in the making, and that day, that day had changed everything. Letting out a deep breath and silencing your mind, you entered the ship, not even turning around to see the ramp close behind you. You needn’t be reminded how much you felt like a prisoner.

The ship was small, and you knew it only served its purpose as a form of transportation. Quietly, you made your way further into the room, where Lieutenant Hux stood, waiting for you.

“Pilot, you may ascend.” He sounded snotty, like he had something to prove, which made you weary of getting on his bad side. 

“You.” He was pointing right at you, and beckoned you over to a seat. “Sit down. It will be a short ride, prepare yourself as we proceed into hyperspace.” Even though it was a demand, you could sense the subtlety of his manners in the way he said it. You did as he said, strapping yourself into the chair against the wall of the ship. Your eyes fell on the ‘troopers across the way, seated with their guns strapped to their sides, totally immobile. Hux took a seat next to the Pilot, whom you could barely see anyway. Letting out a deep breath, you closed your eyes and tried to meditate, doing your best to keep your composure, like you hadn’t just abandoned the only person left in the galaxy you cared about. 

His face was the only thing you could see as the lids of your eyes shut. You imagined him waking up alone, distraught and confused to see you weren’t there. He was going to be so angry, you knew, for doing the one thing he told you not to. Selfishly, you held onto that thought. If you could convince yourself that Ben absolutely hated you, it would make your life a lot easier. You felt ashamed to even put that thought in your head, knowing deep down that he would forgive you once he settled down, but you were too guilty. In your mind, he needed to hate you. To never want to see you again. That was the only way you could imagine getting through a life of servitude to the First Order, a life of allegiance to the Dark Side, of a life without Ben. As much as you tried to force that thought in your head, your subconscious sporadically chewed it up and spit it out. You knew he could never hate you, so that form of coping with the situation clearly would not work.

You knew you had to shut your mind off, to sever that connection with Ben, for both of your sakes. Even though you were surrendering to the voice in your nightmares under the premise of taking Ben’s place, you knew not to trust the Dark side. There was no guarantee that whoever this voice was wouldn’t just torture you as soon as you got there in order to get Ben to submit too, to use your Bond to manipulate the two of you further and pull him into this with you. But the thought of losing that connection totally was too much to bear at that moment, so for the time being, you decided to put up the toughest mental blockade you could muster, one that you  _ knew  _ Ben would try to weasel into when he woke up. It had to be unbreakable, so you sat and focused all of your energy on it, imagining a wall being built around your mind, brick by brick. Time passed quickly as you dared not break concentration, and as the final brick fell into place, you felt the ship begin its descent.

Turning around, you looked out of the small, circular window behind you, and chills erupted all over your skin. Somehow, you recognized this place, the swirling white patterns of the planet reminiscent of something you learned about at the Temple. But it wasn’t the familiarity that sent shivers radiating through you, it was the massive divide right in the middle of the world. Protruding from the middle of the planet was a metal structure, a giant red circle in the center of it all. You watched with extreme focus as you got closer and closer, trepidation building inside of you as you could now hear a hum of energy emitting from the fractured planet.

You could feel the Force signature beaming from the location, stronger than any you had ever felt. It took you a minute to realize it wasn’t coming from a person, but the planet itself, and that’s when you knew where you were.

Dread filled your entire being. It was Illum. The Sacred Jedi planet that used to be the home of the Crystal Caves, where Jedi younglings of the Old Order would come to find their kyber crystals, once upon a time. But this tear in the equator, that was new. You had studied every possible text and image referring to the Old Order and the Jedi Code in preparation for your initiation, so you knew for certain that this had to be the result of interference from the Dark side. 

The ship glided into the structure occupying the planet, the icy terrain disappearing from your view. You shifted your gaze away from the window and towards the front of the vessel, where the Lieutenant was now rising from his seated position. He didn’t so much as spare you a glance as he walked from the cockpit to the Stormtroopers across from you, leaning down to whisper them directions, no doubt. The ship jolted and creaked as it finally landed inside what you could only imagine to be the base of the First Order. With a hiss, the ramp opened up and you heard Lieutenant Hux bark at the ‘troopers to get up. Immediately, they made their way over to you while you unbuckled yourself from the chair. As soon as you stood, their hands gripped onto your arms and they forced you to exit.

“You do know I came here willingly? Right?” They were the first words you had spoken since meeting up with the Lieutenant back in the forest, and you failed to hide the despair behind your words. Hux turned on his heels and marched his way to you, his finger inches from your face.

“We will be taking no chances when it comes to you, Jedi scum,” Any sympathy you thought this man had was clearly misplaced, and suddenly you felt him tug at your waist.

“HEY! Get off of me!” You felt him retreat his hand from your belt, your lightsaber in his hand. 

“You won’t be needing this anytime soon, darling.” He sneered at you, before tucking your weapon into his belt and turning around to descend the ramp.

You struggled to keep up with the ‘troopers attached to you as they moved quickly out of the ship, the ramp finally recoiling after the pilot had followed all of you out. The area you entered was extremely dark, the only source of light coming from the stars at the entrance to the docking bay. The Stormtroopers pushed you in the direction of Hux, who made his way to an elongated hallway at the back of the room. You barely had a chance to take in your surroundings as you were ushered through the winding halls. Eventually, Hux paused in front of a small metal door, which he opened through use of a keypad. The ‘troopers were not gentle as they threw you into the confined space, the door closing behind Hux as he entered behind you.

It was a quaint room, eerily inviting. In fact, it reminded you somewhat of your hut, in its minimalism, set up in almost the exact same way. You frowned as you thought about how much you would rather be feeling the dirt under your feet as opposed to the harsh, cold metal of this monstrosity. 

“Don’t get too comfortable, this is merely temporary. The Supreme Leader will be coming to collect you tomorrow while construction continues on this... _ base _ .” You did not fail to notice the pause before the final word out of the Lieutenant’s mouth, a feeling of uneasiness now settling in your thoughts. “You are to stay here. Someone will be by later with a meal.” You nodded reluctantly, and Hux moved to exit the room, if you could even call it that. It sure felt like a cell, in the same way you felt like a prisoner.

You watched the door slam shut after his departure, and you made your way to sit on the bed, mind still reeling, needing to process all of the information and thoughts bouncing around in your head. Your body slumped onto the stiff mattress, legs dangling off the side. Ignoring the strange behavior of the Lieutenant when he hesitated before calling this place a base, you focused on the other aspect of what he said.

_ “The Supreme Leader will be coming to collect you tomorrow.” _

_ Supreme Leader _ , you thought to yourself.  _ Maybe he’s a Sith?  _ You had no idea what to expect tomorrow, not a single semblance of who or what this person, or creature would be. All you knew was what you felt, which was intense waves of anxiety and terror, paired with loneliness. You figured Ben was probably awake by now, wondering where you could possibly be, beating himself up for not hearing you leave in the middle of the night.

No, you  _ knew _ he was awake, because you felt the tug on the tether, Ben was begging to be let into your mind, to talk to you and find out where you were. You focused all of your energy on keeping him out, and it took every fiber of your being not to cave and welcome him into your thoughts. Keeping your focus on the Bond, you finally felt the tension on the connection lessen, convinced Ben had given up for now. You let out a deep sigh, relaxing your body into the dense bed underneath you, letting your fear and hopelessness swallow you up, as if you were sinking into the very ground beneath you.

Consistently, you reminded yourself that you were doing this to protect Ben. As difficult as it was to experience this anguish and dread, you knew it would have been worse if you were in his position right now. While you felt guilty knowing what Ben was going through, you knew how much worse it would be for  _ everyone  _ if Ben was in your position right now.

You had nobody left, nothing to lose. Your parents had been dead for years, you had been looking after yourself with no help from others since your father had passed. Sure, Han and Leia acted like your second parents, but it wasn’t the same. They didn’t feel the same way about you as they did for Ben, which is totally and obviously understandable. He is their son, and they were prepared to do anything to protect him from the darkness in his soul. If they knew the sacrifice you had made, you had no doubt they would secretly be thankful that you had done so for him. Ben had so many people in his life, people who loved him and worried about him. His parents, Chewie, even Luke. You had no one, it was just you. You couldn’t imagine how the people in Ben’s life would suffer if it was him submitting to the Dark side, the confliction of wanting to protect their son, yet also their devotion to preserving peace in the galaxy. They had fought in a war, for kriff’s sake, just to free the worlds from the reign of the Galactic Empire. You knew they would do it again, too, if they had to, but the thought of Ben being on the side opposing them would torture them endlessly.

Your mind felt heavy, weighed down with the realization of what your life was becoming, knowing that your dreams of being free and exploring the galaxies with Ben by your side was all but impossible now. The lack of sleep from the night before was catching up to you, so you swung your legs onto the mattress and shimmied further up the bed, hoping to be at peace in your sleep, even just for a few hours. As your eyelids closed, you welcomed the inviting feeling of escaping your reality, of being anywhere but here.

* * *

“Uh, excuse me, ma’am,” Your eyes opened and you shot up into a seated position on your bed, rubbing your eyes to adjust to the bright lights of your small room. In front of you was a Stormtrooper with their arms outstretched, a tray in their hands. You just kind’ve stared at first, before hesitantly taking the tray from them, and watched as they exited your room. You must have been asleep for a lot longer than you realized, because it felt like a truck hit you when you woke up. Standing, you took what looked like a very sad excuse of a meal over to the table in the other corner of the room and plopped it down. Taking a seat, you pushed the food around with the provided fork, your appetite was probably the farthest thing from your mind at this point.

Even in your sleep, you could feel Ben poking at your mind through the Bond, interrupting whatever state you were in at the time. You knew he couldn’t help it, and you didn’t blame him for trying, but constantly being reminded of how you left him alone in that tent was eating away at you. Shoveling a scoop of what appeared to be vegetables into your mouth, you thought about the letter you left him. You hoped that the words on the page would be enough to show Ben how sorry you were for leaving, even if you didn’t explicitly say it. Above all else, you needed him to know you loved him, that you always would. So much of you wish he heard you say it before you left the tent, but you knew he didn’t. Seeing it written in that note would have to be good enough, even though you knew it wasn’t.

You knew he felt the same, but the fact that you never got to hear it slip through his lips was upsetting. The two of you had  _ finally _ given into the emotions, the burning passion you had for one another, and just like that it was ripped away. You couldn’t help but think that it was your decision to act on your feelings that led you to this, but you would never give that thought any real credibility. It was worth it. This felt inevitable, your place amongst the First Order, like there was no way you could have avoided it, making your decision to embrace your attraction and love for Ben an easy one.

“What’s done is done,” you muttered to yourself after polishing off the plate of food in front of you. Pushing your chair out from the table, you thought about hopping into the refresher and taking a shower, but you didn’t exactly have a spare change of clothes or anything. There were no windows in your room so you had no idea what time it actually was, which made the pain of waiting for the “pickup” tomorrow that much more excruciating. When would you know to go to sleep? When would you have to wake up? It’s not like you had the advantage of having the sun wake you up like you did back at the Temple.

Remembering what Lieutenant Hux said about leaving your room, you figured there was no harm in just popping your head into the hallway to see if you could find somebody, anybody to answer your questions. Hopping out of the chair, you made your way to the door and pressed the button to open it. You were honestly surprised to see it open, thinking maybe they really would just keep you locked up like a prisoner in there. 

Poking your head out of the door frame, you spotted a Stormtrooper patrolling the hall.

“Hi! Hey! Excuse me!” You called over to them, waving your hand in their direction, but they ignored you.

“Hellooo...buddy, I just have a few questions I would like answered?”

Still no response. Frustrated, you figured a short walk to find someone wasn’t  _ totally _ bad to do.

_ Well, since there’s no one else around… _

With a wave of your hand, you threw the ‘trooper against the wall with the Force. Carefully, you stepped out into the hallway, keeping your head on a swivel to see if any important looking people were out and about.

Empty.

Keeping your hand in place, you smiled as you walked past the ‘trooper, who sat unconscious on the ground. Honestly, you didn’t feel guilty at all, even though you knew most ‘troopers were just cogs in the machine. They were still soldiers of the First Order, and for that reason alone, the feeling of sending that white armor into the metal wall was liberating.

You dipped down a hallway, heading towards what looked like a giant window. Seeing as there was no one around, you decided to head for it, assuming that the view from such a large opening would be beautiful, and you longed to see something other than the four metal walls of your temporary bedroom. Approaching it, you didn’t see any stars glistening in the distance, and it wasn’t until you were on top of it that you saw it was just an upper level window that peered over a lower level control room. Peering through the glass, you saw tons of personnel bustling about on the floor below, calculations and simulations dancing on top of their desks and on a projection in front of them.

Watching the projection, you focused in on what seemed to be a depiction of where you were, this base on Illum. You watched as the hologram split, the two halves of the planet leaving the metal contraption floating by itself. The hologram began to shine, emitting a strong red light which you assumed reflected the huge red circle you had seen as you entered the system. Suddenly, another planet appeared on the hologram, positioned far away from the red light. 

A man dressed in all grey ascended some stairs in front of everyone in the room, and they fell silent. You crouched, glancing through the hallways again, making sure you were still alone. Satisfied with what you saw, you leaned up to peek through the window once again, where the man was speaking and demonstrating movements with his hands. He nodded his head to a woman behind a monitor, and she clicked a button, resulting in the hologram shooting a beam of red light at the other planet in the frame. You watched in horror as the planet burst into a million shards of pixels, the crew all clapping and standing, cheering in excitement.

You couldn’t believe what you saw. This place, it’s not just a base, it’s a  _ weapon. _

They weaponized a sacred Jedi planet, that by the looks of it was going to be like the Death Star with powers tenfold. Even though it was just a demonstration, a digital one at that, your heart sank at the thought of millions of people, various races, all being eradicated by this machine they were building. The pain in your heart only increased when you thought about how you were going to no doubt be used to do the same, that they would manipulate your Force sensitivity and make you a weapon, just like this planet. Tears threatened to fall from your face, but you quickly snapped out of it as you heard a door open to your left. Shooting a quick glance in the direction of the sound, you jumped up and made your way back towards your room.

There were so many damn hallways in this place, you were scrambling trying to remember how to get back. You saw something white peaking out from one of the corners, and you were relieved as you moved towards it, recognizing it to be the armor of the ‘trooper you had merely incapacitated some moments ago. You let out a deep breath as you pressed the keypad to open the door to your room, wiping the nervous sweat from your head as you stepped in.

“Well that was close,” you mumbled to yourself, moving deeper into the room.

“Was it?”

You jumped at the sound of the voice, quickly turning back to see Lieutenant Hux next to the door. 

_ Sneaky bastard. _ How had you not seen him when you walked in? Was he seriously hiding with the purpose of scaring you? Pathetic.

“I, uh, sir! Hello, I only left to go find you, I wanted to ask-”

“Did I not give you strict instructions to stay put?” He was getting increasingly irritated with each word he spit through his teeth.

“Well, yes, but, the door opened for me, so-”

“So you assumed you would be allowed to roam the halls and terrorize the Stormtroopers on this base?”

_ Terrorize the Stormtroopers? Seriously? It was  _ one  _ buckethead, and I only did it cause he wouldn’t talk to me _ .

“No, sir, I tried to talk to the one in the hallways, I just had a few questions, I really didn’t have any intent of leaving my room, I just-”

“I should have assumed unruly behavior was your norm, Jedi scum. Truly, I-”

“LIEUTENANT.” You stated, quite loudly, with an energy you yourself didn’t know you had in you at that point. Hux stood across from you, mouth hanging open in awe, no doubt surprised you had the audacity to speak to him in such a tone.

“Pardon me, Lieutenant Hux. I do apologize for raising my voice like that. You see, I wanted to talk to you and find out when I should be expected to wake up tomorrow for the arrival of the Supreme Leader. I have no idea what time it is in here, ya know, the lack of windows and all. I also wanted to ask about a change of clothes, I was rather set on taking a shower, but I am sure you would like me to look more presentable for the Supreme Leader of the First Order tomorrow, no?”

His mouth closed into a stern line, and you could sense the rage boiling beneath the surface.

“And as for the ‘trooper in the hallway, they’ll be fine. I was just trying to ask him some questions when he chose to ignore me. Guess he doesn’t know who, or what, I am?”

Your tone was dripping with cockiness, as you silently reminded yourself of the fact that without the Supreme Leader, whoever he was, absent from this location, you were probably the only Force user on board making you the most powerful person in this base. There was no way you were going to let someone with a rank as low as Lieutenant push you around, or anyone with any rank for that matter. If you were going to be in this position, there was no way you would be making life easy on anybody that got in your way now.

Hux swallowed audibly as he clasped his hands together behind his back.

“I will send a Stormtrooper with some spare clothes to your room immediately, so that they might have the benefit of avoiding you while you use the refresher. In terms of the Supreme Leader, you will be made aware of his arrival in the morning when I come to collect you. That will be all.”

You smirked at Hux, his uncomfort with how he was spoken too was clearly apparent. If you had not been an asset to the Supreme Leader, you know he would not have taken such attitude, but he had no choice when it came to you. Perhaps it was his fear of the almighty Leader that scared him into accepting your requests, and while that should have frightened you, you were too content with finally being able to get out of these clothes and take a hot shower to be bothered by it.

After Hux exited, you made your way into the refresher. It was identical in appearance to the rest of your room, dark grey and metal fixtures making up the space. There was a single towel under the sink which you retrieved and hung on the hook on the wall, before undressing and stepping into the shower. You were used to taking very short showers typically at the Temple, with there being very minimal hot water to use, so when you felt the warmth of the shower water hit your skin, you relaxed your body and stayed under its stream for ages.

Other than the long nap you had taken earlier, this was the only time you felt at peace, truly detached from the reality around you. The sting of hot water on your skin was a welcome feeling as you scrubbed yourself down. It had been days since you last showered, considering your dalliance in the ocean with Ben didn’t really count. Your thoughts lingered on that moment, that feeling of freedom you craved had never felt more real than when you were held in Ben’s arms, kissing him passionately in the water. At least you would have memories like that to remember, as much as you missed the sensation of his skin on yours, at least you knew what it was like to be with the person you loved. 

Washing your hair, you dug your fingers into your scalp, relieving the pressure from your mind and focusing on the feeling of the water rolling off of your skin. You rolled your neck back and forth, the steam easing out the built up tension in your muscles. Shutting off the water, you exited the shower and reached for the hanging towel, drying yourself off and wrapping it around your body. You opened the door slightly, to see if the clothes you asked for were there, not exactly wanting to encounter a Stormtrooper while all that was on you was a towel. Your eyes found the clothes on the bed, laid out for you.

Swinging the door fully open, you removed the towel from your body and used it to put up your hair. Seeing the clothes in front of you brought you a sort of surreal feeling as your hand traced the fabric. The First Order, the members, they were people too. The fact that of course they had spare clothes on base, because hundreds, if not thousands, of First Order personnel and workers lived here, including the army of Stormtroopers, who, under their helmets, were living beings as well, that just was something you didn’t even think about. It’s not that you felt any sense of sympathy or anything for them, it just reminded you that there are living, breathing beings on each side of every fight, it’s not just some intimidating unit of power, or a faceless organization.

You separated the clothes, laying them out on the bed to see what there was. They had given you what looked like a set of lounge clothes for tonight and possibly an outfit for tomorrow.

“Aw, how thoughtful of you, Lieutenant Hux,” You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself at the image of Hux demanding clothes be sent to your quarters. 

The more formal of the clothing was just a plain black, long sleeve jumpsuit, leading you to believe this might have been a uniform of sorts, making you reminisce about the uniform you had just recently earned back at the Temple. You reached for the other, a pair of loose black pants and a t-shirt, which you slipped into. They were surprisingly comfortable, which made you miss the scratchy material of your Jedi robes even more. With a sigh, you went back into the refresher, letting your hair down from the towel as you rifled through the drawers and cabinets for a brush of some sort. Finally finding one under the sink, you dragged it through your hair, roughly, before laying it down on the counter. You braced your arms on either side of the sink, staring into the mirror.

“This is who you are now.” You spoke to yourself, doing your best to keep your voice from breaking. “It’ll all be okay. This will all be worth it. For Ben.” Your voice was shaky at best as his name slipped through your lips, your arms now wobbling against the counter as you felt sadness creeping into your consciousness. Part of you knew why it was so apparent right now, your sorrow. It was because you could feel Ben on the other end of the Bond, but he wasn’t tugging on it like he was before. He was just existing, just speaking to you, hoping you could hear it. You let go of the sink, unable to keep your composure together much longer, and retreated to your bed.

Ben’s presence at the other end of the Bond turned into a subtle plea, and you mentally imagined just taking a few bricks out of the wall to hear what he was saying, without letting him in fully, a tactic the two of you practiced together.

_ “Come on,”  _ You could hear him thinking.  _ “Let me in, just for a minute.” _

Sensing the urgency and desperation in his voice, you cast aside your worries momentarily, succumbing to your wish to hear him as well. Instead of letting him in completely, you used your ability to see him through the Bond. Closing your eyes, you honed in on his aura, and when you opened, it’s like you were there with him, sitting on the edge of his bed. You looked upon him with admiration, wishing you could reach out and push his floppy black hair out of his eyes, tuck it behind his ears and trace the freckles on his face. His eyes were still closed, and while so much of you wanted to show him that you were there, to see the way his face would light up and watch the golden flecks in his eyes dance against the deep brown, to see that big, toothy smile of his, you couldn’t. You watched as his eyes shot open, he could sense you, knew you were there, but he couldn’t see you, just as you had hoped. You couldn’t give him any sort of detail or cue as to where you were, fearing that he would risk everything to come and find you.

_ “Maybe this will still work,”  _ He thought, and you watched intently as he moved a clenched hand to his pocket. It looked as though he put something in there, as he removed his empty hand shortly thereafter. You heard his thoughts, your name echoing through his mind, before he spoke again.

_ “If you can hear me, take this. Please.” _

You knew exactly what he was doing. Unsure of what would happen if you came into contact with the object in your pocket, you slowly started to let the connection fade, afraid that if you touched something physical of his that he would somehow be able to hone in on you.

__

_ “And,”  _ He spoke, causing you to pause the disruption of the connection, wanting to hear what he was going to say, but allowing your body to begin floating away from the dream. 

_ “I’m so sorry. Forgive me, for not protecting you. I promise, we will be together again. Just please, hang in there. I love you.” _

A warm feeling erupted in your body as he said those final words. Without thinking, your hand shot to your pocket to find the object he was giving you, cutting off the connection simultaneously in your mind. Sure that the Bond had been suspended, you wrapped your fingers around the small object in your pants and removed your hand, opening it up in front of you, a small golden trinket laying in your palm.

Turning it over in your hands, you smiled. A pair of gold dice, connected by a chain, they had belonged to his father. These were special, these dice, a lucky charm of sorts for Han. You heard the story a thousand times, how he used these lucky dice to win a gambling game against his friend, Lando Calrissian, a game that would change his life forever. It was with these dice that he won the Millenium Falcon, his treasured ship, where they hung in the cockpit as a reminder of his good fortune, which he carried through the entire war against the Galactic Empire as a pilot for the Rebellion.

You remembered how Ben used to love playing with them as a child, telling you that someday he was going to grow up and be a pilot just like his dad. He would always end up giving them back to his father because he knew how much they meant to him, and it was the admiration he had for his father that made him so attached to these dice. Han must have snuck them into Ben’s stuff all those years ago, because you would have remembered him giving them to him. Plus, Ben wouldn’t have let himself keep them. As much as you knew he wanted them, just knowing how much they meant to his father would have made him reluctant to accept them.

And now they were in your hand. A Skywalker and Solo family heirloom.

You couldn’t believe he had given these to you, they were such an important thing to both him and Han, and you felt less than worthy of having them, if you were being honest. These dice belonged to heroes, fighters for what was good, not whatever you were doomed to become. But, you thought about what Ben said, about being together again, hanging in there, whatever that really meant at this point. He had a good reason to give you those dice, so rather than throw yourself a pity party and not feel worthy, you held them tightly in your palm, choosing to believe that what Ben was saying was true. 

You knew he was blaming himself for this happening, he didn’t have to tell you for you to figure that much out, but you knew how determined he would be to find you. As much as you wanted a grand rescue, to have him save you from the fate that you chose, you knew it would only put him in danger. There was no harm in letting him believe that he could save you, even if you knew you would probably never be able to see him again, at least not as the same person you are right now. You thought about how he must have reacted, bearing the painful thought of him feeling abandoned as he woke up. He had to tell Luke about your departure, and even if Ben might have thought Luke would be willing to do something, you knew he wouldn’t. You weren’t ignorant to the fact that protecting Ben was Luke’s main priority, and even if he did feel remorse for your sacrifice, deep down, you knew he would secretly be grateful that it was you and not Ben.

Like you thought about earlier, Ben had people who cared about him, people who would do anything for him. A whole lineup of people in fact. You, you only had one. Him.

You had accepted this fact. That you were truly alone in this world, that this decision was all for the better. You would only be letting two people down, yourself, and Ben. That seemed like a fair price to pay in your eyes, to allow him to prove everyone wrong, all those people that thought he would inevitably grow up to be a violent agent for the Dark side. For every wrong judgment, every false assumption they made about him, they would regret it. He had the chance to do what he always wanted, to be like his father, to fight the good fight, and you helped make that happen, at least the way you saw it. Nobody would care about a girl from Chandrila, a girl with no fame to her name, no legacy passed down through generations.

_ It’s better this way _ , you thought to yourself as you finally tucked the dice back into your pocket and got under the blanket on the bed. You repeated the words Ben left with you over and over in your head, comforting yourself in the fact that you finally heard him say it, and that nothing else would matter to you. He loved you, he told you so himself, and that was enough to keep you dedicated to your decision. Ben Solo would live, he would become everything he wanted to be, and you clung onto this thought as you surrendered yourself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was prettyyyyy plot heavy but I feel like we really get to see more of a personality development in terms of the Reader and how she will be adjusting to this abrupt shift in her life! Lots of little nods to canon, though of course no promises that I represented it totally accurately hahah
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one, this one was fun to write for me! Get ready for the next chapter when you finally discover what exactly the First Order plans to do with you, more specifically, what the Supreme Leader has in store...


	14. Unlikely Allies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as you started to adjust to your life aboard the superweapon, a new plan alters your path. You do your best to remain fearless, and you learn more about an unfriendly First Order officer.

The whooshing noise of your bedroom door startled you from your slumber, followed by the sound of heavy boots on the metal floor. Rubbing your eyes, you leaned up and adjusted your sight, noticing the bodies in the room. You had no idea what time it was, you just knew it was too early for your liking, and that was saying something.

“Ah, good morning, Hux,” You flashed him a smile before yawning obnoxiously, stretching your limbs in an almost comical way as you groaned with each movement.

Poised as ever, he stood in the middle of your room, accompanied as usual by two Stormtroopers, a sneer on his face.

“That’s Lieutenant Hux to  _ you _ ,” He spat.

Messing with him was just too easy. You abruptly shot your hand out from under the covers, faking that you were going to use the Force against him. You watched as he broke his posture and flinched, and so did the two ‘troopers by his sides. You laughed audibly as you brought your hand back to clutch your stomach since you could hardly control yourself. He pulled himself together, red in the face, and you relished in the feeling of pissing him off.

You got out from underneath the blankets and stood directly opposed to him, just  _ daring  _ him to say or do something smart again. Knowing that you were determined to get a reaction out of him, he simply cleared his throat before speaking to you in the calmest voice he could muster, given his embarrassment. 

“The Supreme Leader will be arriving within the hour. I suggest you prepare yourself and let these two know when you are ready, at which point they will escort you to the conference room.”

Without missing a beat, he quickly turned and power-walked out of your room, still flustered and annoyed at the way you always managed to get under his skin. Shifting your attention to the ‘troopers as the door shut, you raised an eyebrow and settled your hand on your hip.

“A little privacy, boys?”

They didn’t budge. You had a feeling you had already made an impression on this desolate hunk of metal after incapacitating a ‘trooper yesterday, not to mention your attitude with Hux. They must have been given strict instructions to keep a close eye on you, but you were not about to strip down with these two bucketheads in the room.

“Promise I’m not gonna try and run away, or did you forget, I don’t have a  _ choice _ ,” Though your tone was heavy with your sass, hearing you say those words out loud made your soul twinge a bit. You really didn’t have a choice, not if you wanted to keep Ben safe. They shifted uncomfortably, realizing you weren’t wrong, clearly trying to make a decision about whether or not they should leave the room.

“Two minutes, seriously, it’s just so I can change. I’ll knock to let you in as soon as I’m done,” You were practically pleading now, trying to make them leave. Sure, you could change in the bathroom, but knowing they were in your room just made you feel uneasy.

“Two minutes. That’s it,” One of them spoke, his heavily modulated voice sounding a bit nervous at the thought of leaving you unattended. They shuffled out of the room, and you quickly grabbed the jumpsuit laying on the back of your chair. 

Slipping out of your sleep clothes, you pulled the jumpsuit onto your legs and up on your body, your arms shimmying into the long sleeves. It fit pretty well, for a random First Order uniform, and you admired how soft it felt on your body as you smoothed it down with your hands. 

Before you went to the door to let them know you had changed, you crouched down and retrieved the dice out of the pocket of your bottoms, putting them into the breast pocket of your jumpsuit to keep them even more secure. You closed your eyes as you patted the pocket, keeping that reminder of Ben that close to your heart just felt right.

You walked over to the door and banged on it loudly, letting the ‘troopers know they could come back in. Not even waiting for them by the door, you walked back over to your desk, grabbing your shoes off the ground in your stride. Sitting down, you pulled on a fresh pair of socks, followed by your dirty boots, trying your best to ignore the presence of the soldiers only a few feet away from you. 

You let out a heavy sigh, hands resting on your knees. As much as you portrayed fearlessness and confidence, on the inside, you were terrified. Terrified of your new life, terrified of the First Order, terrified of the Supreme Leader, terrified at what they were going to make you do, what they would turn you into. 

The fear inside was consuming you, making your brain go fuzzy, unable to concentrate on anything else. Your eyes slammed shut as your hands shot up to your head, gripping onto your hair, as if you were trying to pull the anxiety out of your mind. Breathing slowly, you pulled your thoughts away from the distress you were experiencing, doing your best to push them out completely. It was something Ben taught you, it was what he often did when he experienced his crippling nightmares, and now it came in handy for you. With a final breath, you envisioned all of that fear and anxiety melting away, replacing it with feelings of peace and acceptance.

Opening your eyes, you removed your hands from the tight grip on your hair, letting your arms fall to your side. Hesitantly, you pushed your chair backwards and stood up, walking over to the ‘troopers standing guard at your door.

“Alright, let’s go.” You nodded to them, and one of them opened up the blast door. Turning down the hall, you noticed there were considerably more people around today, in comparison to the empty halls you walked around for a moment yesterday. Not only that, but they all seemed like they were in some sort of hurry, the personnel all rushing around each other, only adding to the feeling of how packed it seemed.

The two Stormtroopers accompanying you led you through the various offshoots of hallways in the massive base, doing their best to jostle through the bodies running all around.

_ Maybe yesterday was an off day?  _ You wondered to yourself, until you realized that all of this must have been a reaction to the incoming arrival of the Supreme Leader onto the base. If even the knowledge of his being here made people act this crazy, you dared not imagine what it would be like when you were in the same room as him.

Pushing through the hoards of people, finally, you arrived at the conference room. Lieutenant Hux awaited you at the door, where the two Stormtroopers finally gave you some space to move.

“Good. Follow me,” Hux turned and punched some numbers into the data pad, the door to the conference room flying open. You followed him through the frame into a massive room, a long table smack in the middle. The two of you were the only ones in there, but not for long. Within moments, various other First Order personnel flooded through the door, all taking their seats at a hurried pace. Hux grabbed onto your wrist and ushered you further into the room until you were standing against the wall by the head of the table.

You swallowed a massive lump in your throat as your body connected with the cold metal of the wall behind you. Funnily, you could feel the tension radiating from the Lieutenant as well, which spiked when a man with reddish, greyish hair in a very official uniform walked into the room. Hux nodded to the man, who you assumed must be a superior of some sort, but the man simply rolled his eyes at the gesture. He took the seat closest to the head of the table, which still remained empty.

The next person to enter the room was a Stormtrooper, but not a typical one. No, this ‘trooper was decked out in chrome armor, a red cape hanging off of its shoulder. This shiny soldier took the seat opposite the red haired man, nodding their head as a sign of acknowledgment.

“Captain Phasma,” You overheard the man say.

“General Hux,” the ‘trooper replied, but the voice was unlike any of the ‘troopers you had ever heard before.

_ Hang on… _ you thought to yourself. There was a lot to unpack in that exchange.  _ That ‘trooper is a woman? Wow. Didn’t know they even  _ had  _ female Stormtroopers. But, wait, ‘General Hux’? Is that the red-haired twerp’s father? No wonder he is the way that he is… _

Your thoughts were instantly terminated as a hush fell over the room. It was as though a shadow had been cast over the minds of the people around the oblong table, as a large, cloaked figure entered the conference room. You cast your eyes down, recognizing the energy instantly.

_ That was him, the voice in my head, that’s… the Supreme Leader _ . Keeping your eyes on your feet, you could feel the mood in the room shift to a heightened sense of focus from everybody there, an intense seriousness occupying the air. Without lifting your head, you could feel the eyes on you, the eyes of everybody at the table.

“Bring her here,” In person, his voice sounded even more vile. Lieutenant Hux grabbed your arm roughly, yanking you towards the head of the table. Finally, you lifted your head, your mouth hanging open in a small ‘o’ shape. He was massive, at least seven feet tall, but slender, in a ghastly way. He wasn’t human, no, but there was something… off about him, like he wasn’t even anything at all. His dark eyes bore into you, a wicked grin appearing on his face.

“Ah, yes. My...new...apprentice,” The way he drug out the words in his slow and eerie tone made your skin crawl, and accompanied with his devilish gaze, you felt like you had been paralyzed with fear. “Bow before your master, child,” That was a command you knew you had to follow.

Slowly, you bent at the waist, but apparently not quickly enough. You felt pressure on your back, forcing you deeper into the bow, letting out a quiet grunt as your body reacted to the sudden movement.

“Good,” You heard his menacing voice whisper as the push against you lessened, which you assumed you would be allowed to stand again. Scanning your expression, the Supreme Leader waved a hand and hissed at Lieutenant Hux to remove you from the room, instructing him to put you in the hangar bay. At least, that’s what you thought you heard. You were so frozen with fear that you kind’ve blacked out, only coming to when you felt your butt connect with a metal chair underneath you. Letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, your eyes darted around the room, looking for him. Instead, the only person in there with you was Hux, who was endlessly shifting uncomfortably in the seat next to you. Part of you was actually glad he was there too. There was something comforting about how close in age he was to you, and the fear you could sense in him made him more human. You relaxed your shoulders, doing your best to play off the intense dread mounting in your stomach from that encounter in the conference room.

“So, Lieutenant Hux,” You started, deciding you might as well make some conversation with him while you awaited the horrible fate of actually becoming the apprentice of the Supreme Leader. “General Hux must be-”

“My father. Yes.” He was quick to interrupt you. The color in his face drained as you brought it up, and you just  _ knew _ it was a sensitive topic. Even with that knowledge, you pushed the issue further.

“So that’s why you’re such a prick, huh? He didn’t seem like a very approachable guy, so it makes sense that you’re such a stuck up, stick in the mud. I guess you can thank him for how you turned-”

“I thank him for  _ nothing.  _ Mind your business, scum.” Cutting you off again, he spat the insult at you, but his voice wavered as the words left his lips. Clearly a nerve had been struck and you dropped it. Even someone as bitter as Lieutenant Hux had a background, a childhood that you knew nothing about, and his very reaction made you wonder how his father must have treated him. Just because Hux was part of the First Order didn’t mean you could restrict your underlying empathy for other people, a trait that couldn’t be subdued even if you tried.

You turned your focus to the ground and let your mind wander. Your hand found the breast pocket of your jumpsuit, patting it gently to feel the outline of the dice inside. You decided not to take them out, not wanting to risk them somehow being taken or lost, so you settled for the physical barrier of your clothes between your hand and the heirloom. Clutching at it, you thought about Ben, about what he said to you in your last connection with him. 

Could you really believe him? Would you ever see him again? So much of you wanted to agree, to cling onto the hope of being with Ben again, somehow, but the reality of your situation extinguished any miniscule grain of optimism you had inside. You felt bleak, empty, with no room for positivity to plant a seed in your thoughts, the fear and darkness snuffing out the light and happiness that once lived inside of you. You had this gut feeling that the next time you saw Ben, things would be different. You couldn’t explain it, let alone understand what it was that you felt, but you just knew it.

Before you let your mind spiral further and further down the pessimistic path you created in your head, that wicked presence filled the room once more. Knowing that you would somehow be punished if you averted his gaze, you rose from your chair and bowed in the direction of the Supreme Leader, desperately hoping that any respect you showed him would result in something good for you later.

“A quick learner, I see,” He hissed as you watched his golden robes swirl around you on the ground. “Rise, girl.” You lifted your head back up to meet his eyes, summoning any strength you had left to ignore the overwhelming presence of fear inside. Shakily, you stood up, his figure towering over you. Up close, you could see his gaunt physical features, the frailty of his frame, but you knew this was an illusion. The power within him was immense, power that you feared greatly.

“We will leave within the hour for my ship. Lieutenant Hux, you will be coming as well.” He turned his attention to Hux, standing rigidly beside you. You could feel his whole form tense up, and you could tell he was just as scared as you were.

“Supreme Leader, please, you don’t want  _ him, _ ” General Hux, his father, stepped out from behind. “Sir, I would be of  _ much _ greater-” With a loud bang, you watched as General Hux was pinned to the wall, hands clutching at his throat, pathetically gasping for air. He struggled against the invisible grip of the Force, legs thrashing beneath him as his face turned a deep shade of red. You could see the life start to leave his eyes, his breaths becoming quieter and quieter, his legs only twitching. In a flash, he dropped to the floor, heaving on his hands and knees, trying to inhale a deep breath and regain some semblance of composure.

“You will not speak out like that to me ever again, General. Surely, you should be  _ proud _ of him for being given such an opportunity.” You could hear the malice in his voice, and you knew the Supreme Leader was enjoying the physical and emotional manipulation he was inflicting on General Hux.

The general could not have been more in shock if he tried. He was still on the floor, breathing steadily, but the look of surprise on his face was obvious. You snuck a glance at Lieutenant Hux next to you, whose face had turned even whiter, a stark contrast against his red hair. He remained silent, determined not to show any sort of reaction to the fact that his father had just been seconds away from death at the hands of the being he would apparently now be serving under directly.

You knew that the General was equally as in shock about his being slammed into a wall as he was about the Supreme Leader expecting him to be proud of his son. Though you hardly knew anything about the Lieutenant and his father, it had already been painfully clear that he was nothing in his own father’s eyes. You couldn’t imagine what that must feel like, to have your own blood look at you and treat you with such disgrace and disregard for your life. 

Maybe it was a good thing the Lieutenant was coming with you, for him to get away from the General, and you couldn’t help but hope that the two of you could maybe, at the least, become acquaintances, if not friends. As much sass you had thrown at him since meeting him, deep down, you knew it would be nice to have any sort of companion within the First Order, especially aboard the Supreme Leader’s ship.

“Escort the girl to her quarters.” His icy voice broke you from your thoughts yet again, though his words were not directed at you, rather at the Lieutenant. “Supervise her as she gathers her things, then go and retrieve yours and meet back here in an hour. I have something to attend to.”

Just like that, the Supreme Leader was gone with a flash of his robe, the tall figure making his way to the exit of the base. 

Where would he even go? You were on Illum, for star’s sake, and you were pretty sure there would be nothing left out there given the fact that the very base you stood on severed the planet in half.

You felt Hux tug at your arm, but not as aggressively as he had done previously. Not a word, just a firm grip on your wrist, and he was walking you to the hallway that led back to your room. For the first time since you had been there, you didn’t throw anything at him. No insults, no jokes, nothing. It was as if you could feel all of his emotions radiating from him, an intense mixture of fear, pain, embarrassment, sadness, but also a conflicting underlying current of pride and guilt. 

No, you couldn’t even blame him given what you had assumed his childhood must have been like. As brutal as it probably was for him to see his father tossed around like a rag doll with minimal effort, you knew part of him didn’t mind seeing it, and that he was proud to have been chosen by the Supreme Leader over his father. Hux was a complex individual, you sensed, and you really did hope that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , you could crack him and try to be friends.

When you finally reached your room, Hux opened the door and walked in, letting go of your arm and sitting on the chair by your desk. A few things had appeared in your room that weren’t there before, namely more clothes, but there was something on your bed that was glistening against the fluorescent lights.

“My saber!” You rushed to the bed and lunged your hand at the weapon, longing to feel that cold metal against your skin again. As soon as the hilt made contact with your fingers, you let out a deep breath, the Force flowing through you felt strong in that moment, like you knew you were safer with this in your possession. Part of you was surprised they had given it back to you, and you were even more surprised that they did so in the privacy of your room, where you could easily just swing it freely and do away with the Lieutenant sitting at the very desk next to you.

You positioned the saber away from your body and hit the ignition, but nothing happened.

“W-what? What happened? Did someone break it?” You shifted your gaze to Hux, who sat stoic in the chair.

“They removed the kyber crystal from it.” He spoke plainly.

Sadness filled up inside of you. Yes, you were angry that they had taken the power source from your weapon, but your kyber crystal was more than that to you.

Ben had given it to you when he left Chandrila. And you had given it back to him when you reunited at the Temple. That krystal was the first time you and Ben had realized how strong your Force Bond was, when you sat lonely in the caves, and he appeared, the crystal glowing in his pocket.

To you, it wasn’t about the saber. That crystal, it was a reminder of the bond you and Ben had. Any time you held the weapon in your hand, it felt like you had a piece of him with you, guiding and protecting you with every strike. You needed it back, no matter who had it.

“No...no I  _ need _ that, it’s mine, I can’t just...” You trailed off, unable to maintain composure as you spoke. Hux shifted uncomfortably, before replying with the fire you were used to.

“Do you seriously think they would trust Jedi scum like yourself to-”

“I NEED IT.” Your eyes slammed shut as you yelled at the Lieutenant. The sadness of losing the crystal was slowly replacing itself with anger and rage, boiling deep inside of you, ready to consume you.

You could feel his presence. The Supreme Leader. He was coaxing this rage out of you, encouraging you to give in to this feeling of total power, and for a moment, you did. 

When you opened your eyes, you saw Hux floating in the air, grasping at his neck, and you saw your arm outstretched. Quickly, you retracted your hand, rushing to him as he collapsed onto the metal floor. Your empathy was winning yet again. Not seconds ago he had called you “Jedi Scum,” yet here you were lifting him off the ground and leaning him against the side of your bed.

“I...I’m…”

“No,” Hux said, trying to catch his breath still. “I’m sorry.”

Your eyes must have been bursting out of your head. 

_ Did he just apologize? _

“For what? You’re just doing your job. You’re  _ supposed _ to hate me, really,” You countered his apology, genuinely still in shock that the word “sorry” was even in his vocabulary.

“Well, yeah, but, you’re part of the First Order now. We’re on the same side, so, I guess we should act like it.”

_ We’re on the same side _ .

You. You were on the same side as the First Order, the evil organization trying to send the galaxy back into the days of the Galactic Empire, ruling all the planets under their iron fist. It sounded so disgusting, to hear someone else say that you were now part of them.

“I am  _ not _ part of the First Order. I’m only here to protect someone I care about, that’s it.” You swiftly turned away from Hux, still sitting on the ground, making your way to your bed to pack up the few things belonging to you. Shoving the clothes and various necessities they had given you into your bag, placing your saber, void of its crystal, on top of the pile. 

“Whatever you say, Jedi. All I know is, it seems like you’re gonna be pretty instrumental in the plans of the Order.”

As horrifying as that statement seemed, you were still preoccupied with the missing kyber crystal. Thinking back to what Hux said earlier, a thought crossed your mind.

_ If he knows someone took the crystal, maybe he knows where it is. _

“Okay, Lieutenant. But how exactly am I supposed to use my lightsaber, on behalf of the First Order of course, without my crystal? Do you know where it is, perhaps?”

Hux began to rise to his feet, hesitantly darting his eyes around, unsure of whether or not he should disclose the information to you. He shifted uncomfortably, hands clasped behind his back. You didn’t want to have to reach into his mind for the information, kriff, you barely knew  _ how _ , but he didn’t know that. Only a few times you had practiced doing that with Ben, and even then, you weren’t very good at it. Ben, on the other hand, was scarily good at doing so.

“I can take the answer from you, you know. I’m sure you know about the ancient Jedi mind tricks, right? I’d love to see what else you’re hiding in that mind of yours,” Walking towards him at a menacingly slow pace, you watched as he contemplated what to do as you approached. Raising your hand up to his face, you were about to wave your hand in front of him, and he caved.

“Okay! Fine, just, move your hand,” He swatted your hand away from his face and you couldn’t help but smirk, impressed with yourself for how convincing your threat was.

“My father was in charge of keeping it safe for sure the Supreme Leader. It’s gotta be somewhere in his office.”

That was all you needed to hear. You zipped up your bag and tossed it over your shoulder, making your way to the blast door.

“Wait!” Hux called at you as he rushed to keep up before you left the room. “You’ll need some help navigating this base, and I really don’t feel like getting in trouble if you get caught.”

You turned and smiled at him. Maybe he was coming around after all, and you took solace knowing that he would be coming with you when you were sent away with the Supreme Leader.

“I can’t believe I’m helping you,” he said, and you could tell how conflicted he was. You had seen him spew horrible things at you, call you scum, but part of him deep down was not as wicked as he seemed to be.

“Think of it this way,” You offered as you placed a hand on his shoulder, squaring your body to face his. “If you help me pull this off, I’ll owe you one. Plus, just  _ imagine _ the look on your father’s face when he realizes he failed a job given to him by the Supreme Leader himself.”

Hux’s eyes lit up. You knew that would hook him. The very fact that he took a small amount of pleasure in seeing the General get tossed around earlier was enough for you to know that anything having to do with embarrassing his father would have him interested.

“Alright. Follow me.” Hux stepped out in front of you and grabbed your wrist, pulling you into the hallway as the door shot open.

As you turned in and out of the winding hallways, dragged along by Hux, you could feel the Force growing stronger within you, and you knew you were getting closer to your crystal. It’s power was intoxicating, almost as if the crystal too was yearning to be reunited with you again. 

There was a certain thrill you derived from sneaking around the ship, looming on the edge of danger, as you went through the twists and turns of this unforgiving place. Each time Hux guided you past the various troopers and personnel, there was a present threat that someone would stop you and ask where you were going, or insist on accompanying you, or a multitude of other things they could have asked. But, everyone was so preoccupied with the very presence of the Supreme Leader on board that you were basically in the clear. 

Before you could worry anymore about the possibility of being caught, your soul felt on fire.

“We’re here.” You whispered under your breath, almost inaudibly.

Hux stopped and turned around abruptly, shock on his face, fiery red brows looking at you skeptically.

“How in the galaxies did you know? I hadn’t even stopped yet.”

“I can feel it.  _ Duh _ .”

He rolled his eyes at the very dramatic statement of yours, and turned back around to punch in the code. The blast door flew open and he pulled you inside before quickly shutting the door back down. 

The office was bright white, but small. Everything was extremely well organized, which was not a big surprise to you considering how crazy rigid his own son was. Not a single thing was out of place.

Moments after your initial observations, you felt the pull. Giving into the Force, you let your feet lead you to the corner of the room, where a set of tall drawers sat. Closing your eyes, you allowed your senses to be filled with the connection, and extended your hand out in front of you. You heard the drawer begin to creep open before Hux’s shrill voice cut through your focus.

“Hurry!” He whispered, urgency in his voice. “I hear footsteps!”

You looked down at the drawers in front of you, none of them clearly more open than the other. Resuming your position, you shut everything else out and breathed slowly.

_ Come on, please… _

Your brow was furrowed due to your intense concentration, hand shaking with how much of the Force you were channeling. The drawers began to shake violently, and you could feel Hux’s energy shift beside you. He was nervous, but you had to block it out.

Just as he uttered your name, your eyes flung open. 

There it was. Your crystal. Hovering in front of you, glistening against the bright white background of the office.

Smiling, you reached your hand out and let it fall into your palm, an instant burst of energy flowing through you as it touched your skin.

But, the moment of bliss was fleeting. Just as you tucked the crystal into the pocket of your jumpsuit with Ben’s dice, the blast door flew open.

General Hux was standing, an incredulous look on his face.

“ _ You…”  _ But he wasn’t looking at you. He was looking at the Lieutenant, immense disappointment in his eyes. Before he could cross the room to lay his hands on either of you, you pinned him to the wall. With a wave of your hand, you slammed the blast door closed, and motioned with your head for Lieutenant Hux to move to the exit.

You moved to the General, glued to the wall, clawing at his throat. With one hand extended out to keep him in place, you waved the other in front of him.

“We were never here. You will not notice that the crystal is gone.”

As you brought your hand back down to your side, you lowered him from the hold you had that pinned him against the wall. You ushered Hux to the door, encouraging him to open the exit so you could escape quickly. As soon as the doors opened, you broke the hold completely and ran as fast as you could out of the room, the blast door slamming shut behind the two of you.

Hux uttered your name as the two of you crouched against the wall opposite the office, collecting yourselves after almost being caught.

“How do you know that worked? Are you sure he won’t remember?” Hux was panicking, his eyes darting around.

Standing up, you helped him off of his feet as well.

“I just know. Now let’s go, before anyone else sees us.”

Hux nodded in agreement, gripping your wrist tightly as he had done before. You had to keep up the image of hating each other if anyone was to see you in the hall, which would clearly incriminate you should anyone realize you had your crystal.

“Let’s go. We need to leave with the Supreme Leader soon.”

Walking back to your room, you couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. You had your crystal, tight against your chest, and you also felt like you had an ally in Lieutenant Hux. You knew you had to hold onto any semblance of normalcy and optimism as you headed deeper down your path with the Supreme Leader, your new mentor.

You couldn’t help but compare your situation right now to when you arrived at the Temple all those months ago. A “friend” by your side, a new mentor. It felt so twisted to think about it like that, but you couldn’t help it. It’s like you were living in an alternate universe, with your path so similar but just slightly off.

A different friend, a different mentor, but what about you? Were you going to be different? Would you turn into someone Ben would never recognize? The thought horrified you to think about, the idea of you becoming a different person tormenting the back of your mind. 

An image of you loomed in your thoughts, cloaked in darkness, the only source of light being the red energy emanating from a saber in your hand.

You echoed your justification in your mind, your only reason to be there.

_ At least it’s not Ben. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see! (apologies to anyone who actually reads this!)  
> been insanely busy for the past month or so and this chapter was haaanging over my head but I finally sat down and cranked it out.  
> hope you enjoy the way this story is taking form, I really wanted to give Hux a role in the story since it takes place before he is a General!  
> let me know what you think and as usual thank you for all the kind comments and kudos <3


	15. The Skywalkers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben does everything he can to find a way to save you. Luke becomes involved, and lets Ben in on a secret that had been kept from him his whole life.

It had been a week since you left. A week that felt like a year to Ben. Not knowing where you were consumed him at all times, and the only thing saving him was knowing you were alive. 

But Ben was growing impatient. Luke hadn’t given him any indication of whether or not he would be willing to indulge the idea to use this opportunity as a preemptive strike against the First Order. Each day without you made him feel like your chances of being saved were dwindling. He channeled this restlessness into his training, knowing that any extra practice he had could be useful if Luke came around to the idea.

And even if Luke didn’t agree to developing a plan with him, Ben was determined anyway. With or without approval, regardless of if he had any backup from his mother and father and the rest of the resistance, Ben was willing to do whatever it took to get you back, no matter how long it would take.

He knew it would be naive to rush into any type of rescue or attack. Though strong, his inevitable vulnerability to the Dark side was something that could easily be used against him. It didn’t matter that he knew he was the most gifted Jedi at the temple, that was without doubt, but Luke was right. If it was a Sith, or any Dark side force wielder, he wouldn’t stand a chance.

An even darker, conflicting thought entered his mind.

_ What if by the time we get to her, she’s lost?  _

Ben couldn’t shake the feeling that the next time he saw you, you would be almost unrecognizable. He had no reason to think this, just a gut feeling, but that alone was enough to send shivers through his body.

_ What if, what if she’s actually gone to the Dark? What if I have to… _

He shook his head violently and shot up in his bed.

The thought of having to fight you, a you that wasn’t pure and undoubtedly full of the Light, it sent chills through his entire being. He would never hurt you, not again, not like he did that night in your hut.

But these feelings, this fear of loss and regret, these were enemies to the Light. That unmistakable presence in the back of his mind clung onto his emotions for dear life, and that was something he had grown to live with. But he would never let those voices, that energy, allow him to hurt you ever again, even if his life was the one in danger. 

He aggressively threw the blankets off of his body and cast all of the “what ifs” out of his head. This wasn’t something he could afford to be doing and he knew that. If he let these thoughts swirl around in his head for too long, it would only be a matter of time before the ongoing battle of Light and Dark inside him wouldn’t be a contest anymore and the Dark side would swallow him whole.

Ben had only truly felt like the Light would finally prevail when you were at the Temple. That was when he knew there was nothing he could do alone to quell the ongoing war in his very soul, that is, nothing he could do himself. Being with you made it feel as though the Light was in control, even when he had his momentary lapses.

As much as he tried to understand it, he couldn’t. There was never one specific moment in time that he remembered feeling a pull to the Dark side, as far as he knew it had just always been there, lurking in his subconscious. He suspected that his mother knew about it and that it was the reason for him being sent away so young, even though they made it look like he was just leaving to “help rebuild the Jedi Order” with his Uncle.

No, it had to be deeper than that. But he saw no point in worrying about that now, instead knowing he should be focused on securing himself on the draw to the Light, which had started to become increasingly difficult without you there, helping him handle all of the doubt and pain.

The visions started as soon as you left. The same ones he had before you came to the Temple. But this time, they were different. He wasn’t alone anymore, not the only one causing destruction and death. There was somebody else alongside him.

On the off chance that the person in the nightmares was actually  _ you _ , he knew he couldn’t tell Luke about it. Any leverage he possibly had in influencing him to save you would be out the window if he knew about those scenes that replayed in Ben’s head every night.

Shifting his body so that his legs came off the side of the bed, Ben held his head in his hands and let out an exasperated breath before coming to a standing position. Walking to the bathroom, he turned on the faucet and stared at himself in the small mirror.

Looking at his hair, his face, his chest, he faintly remembered the touch of your hands and body intertwined with his. The way your delicate fingers laced perfectly in his unruly black hair, your soft, pink lips smashing into his with unbridled passion, the rise and fall of your chest against his as you lay on top of him.

His jaw clenched as he fought back the sadness, reaching his hands into the pool of water in front of him, scooping some up and splashing it on his face. 

The cold water on his skin gave him a brief moment of relief, with the icy sensation shaking him away from his thoughts. He patted himself dry and hung the towel on the door, walking out of the bathroom and over to his chest at the end of the bed. Opening it up, he pulled out a sweater, threw it on and made his way to his desk.

It was his day off, no classes or obligations that he needed to worry about, but that didn’t mean he was going to sit around all day, not while you were still out there. Rummaging around in his bag, he pulled out three ancient looking books with the intention of reading up on old Force techniques that Luke hadn’t taught him.

He had been pouring over countless texts in search of something, anything, that he thought could help him in the case of an approval for a strike against the First Order. Ben was no stranger to the ancient texts, he had already read over half of the books in the Library, which was no small feat indeed. He practically lived there before you came along, finding comfort in turning the pages of these books, breathing in the old parchment, hunched over his desk, alone in his hut.

Starting with the smallest of the three, a small, green book adorned with a tarnished silver accent buckle holding it shut, Ben flipped open the seal and began reading. 

It was pretty easy to rule out which sources were going to be useful to him within the first hour of reading, and this one was no exception. The small, green book was filled with statistical information, not battle strategies or even any mention of the Force. He gave it a fair read before deciding it was useless to him.

“Well, this is what I get for not checking them out before bringing them back here,” he muttered to himself aloud, shutting the book and reaching for the next. He opted for the large, brown book, with the hopes that the sheer size somehow indicated an increased importance.

Skimming the pages, this one was definitely more promising, but after flipping through quickly to get an idea of what it had, he realized half of it was totally blank.

Another strike out, and he had only been awake for an hour or two at best. 

“I swear if this doesn’t have something,” he frustratedly said under his breath as he pushed the brown book aside and brought the third and final book closer. 

“Please.” He begged the inanimate object, longing to not have wasted a trip to the Library for these three wastes of information.

This final book was a deep, deep red, with golden text scrawled down the spine. There was what looked to be burn marks around the edges of the binding, and the cover was practically falling off.

Ben had a good feeling about this one as he gingerly opened up the text, blowing away some of the dust stuck to the first page. Gently, he flipped through the first few pages, recognizing it as a history of some sort. There were mentions of Jedi “sorcerers,” sohe thought this could be leading him to something.

Then, he saw two names, two very famous names.

_ Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi. _

This was useless. He recognized it to be a history of the Mandalorian Siege, one of the final battles at the end of the Clone Wars.

Without a care for the state of the book, he slammed it shut and let out a yell, angered that he was getting absolutely nowhere.

“Who am I kidding? How will reading these dusty old books help me at all? I don’t even know what else to DO!” He pushed out from his desk and grabbed his bag off the ground, stuffing the texts in there, ready to return them to the Library.

While he was mad at the fact that the texts had resulted in nothing for him to take advantage of, he was even more angry at himself for not knowing what to do. Truly, he was lost. How long would it take him to read through the rest of the Library, and who knew if he would find anything useful to him even after he did? But what else could he even do?

Ben pulled on his boots and opened the door, the wind hitting him in the face as he stepped outside his hut. His boots hit the dirt and he briskly made his way to the library, with every intention of going to the training grounds after in order to practice, but also just to let off steam.

He pounded against the dirt all the way to the library, which was empty as usual. Other students rarely came in there, only going to find a book for their various class needs. It had always been a place for Ben to escape growing up, but the solitude of the library was not what he needed today.

Gingerly, he placed the books back in their respective spots and let out a deep sigh. Turning on his heels, he headed back to the doorway when someone stopped him.

“Ben.”

He whipped his head around to see Luke standing next to one of the cases full of weathered books.

“Master, hello.” He had no idea why he was shaking. It was his day off, he was allowed to be there, but Luke’s presence always made him feel like he was about to get in trouble for something.

“What brought you to the library today?” Luke’s tone was cool and even, not demanding or hesitant like it usually would be when he was suspicious of something.

“Just returning some books, I’m just on my way out actually to go train.”

“I will come with you.” Luke spoke, moving to walk up to Ben.

_ Curious _ , Ben couldn’t help but think to himself. Luke had not taken the time to train with Ben outside of typical class hours in  _ years _ , but he could sense that something had changed in his master’s demeanor. An edge of determination, with a hint of caution sparkling in his eyes.

“Thank you, Master.”

Ben walked alongside Master Skywalker to the empty training grounds, the hum of chatter from the main dining area the only sound in the area. Lifting his bag from off of his shoulder, Ben removed his lightsaber simultaneously, letting the bag drop to the ground against the wall. Turning around, he watched as his Master removed his long robes and unclipped the saber on his belt, turning it over in his hand with an admiration.

Luke moved to face Ben, whose grip tightened around his weapon. He had not duelled one on one with his Master for quite some time, and though Luke had undoubtedly grown slower, his innate warrior came out every time he swung his saber.

The two moved towards each other to initiate the training, bowing as a sign of respect, a Master and a student.

“Remember, Ben, focus on what you know, you are your strongest when you are not reckless.” Even before duelling, Luke was there with his priceless wisdom, truly wanting to see his nephew perform well in the situation knowing he prepared him to his best ability.

“Understood, Master Skywalker.” Ben nodded in recognition before stancing up across from his Master, as they both ignited their blades.

Ben was quick to strike first, but being his Master and teacher, Luke had the advantage of knowing the combinations he had once taught him. Defending himself with ease, Luke easily parried the attacks that Ben dealt.

Luke saw the opening in Ben’s advances and went on the offense. Ben, too, was able to defend easily, showing how similar the two fought and why it was always so difficult for one of them to come out on top. The littlest mistake usually meant the win for the other, seeing as those opportunities did not come often when the two decided to train.

Ben let out a breath through his nose as he defended himself against Luke’s lightsaber, his hair falling in front of his face as the sweat began to build up on his body.

_ Focus _ , he thought to himself. Momentarily, Ben closed his eyes to feel the Force flow through his body and focus his energy on the moment. Eyes still closed, Ben swang his saber on the attack again, pushing his Master backwards in the sand.

Strike after strike, Ben had the upper hand. Luke pressed back on his apprentice, though, pushing him off balance.

Thrown off, Ben threw a sloppy strike back, and Luke easily disarmed his nephew. Ben’s weapon went flying out of his hand and hit the hard ground with a loud thud, sending dust up into the air around it. He let out a sigh, disappointed that he broke focus so quickly

“I told you not to be reckless! A move like that in a dangerous situation would cost you your life, Ben,” Luke was rough with his words, but it was all for the purpose of educating and protecting Ben.

Ben, however, took it the wrong way considering the context of his life at the moment.

“Dangerous situation?  _ Dangerous  _ situation? You don’t ever let me leave this stupid, calm, not at all dangerous place! You let the only person that seemed to even care about me go into the most dangerous situation I could possibly think of and you won’t let me go after her. So what is the POINT of all this anyway!” 

Ben didn’t even realize that his lightsaber was back in his hand, ignited, pointed at Master Skywalker. This wasn’t the same sadness he had been feeling since you had gone, this was unbridled anger and outrage at the fact that Luke hadn’t done anything.

How could Luke preach about protecting Ben and fostering in the world of new young Jedi and not care that you were gone?

Luke reached out his hand and rested it on Ben’s, who was shaking with a mixture of fury and regret for bursting out and getting so aggressive. He disengaged his lightsaber and shakily raised his eyes to see his Master.

He expected to see a disappointed face, but that was not what he was met with. Rather, he saw the eyes of someone who felt guilty, who felt remorseful for something.

“I’m sorry… I can’t-”

“No, Ben.” Luke dropped his hand but remained focused on Ben.

“I have spent every hour meditating since she left, trying to figure out what to do. I agree, Ben, that we have to help her, but I cannot jump into something so quickly, but  _ you _ need to stop giving your emotions such influence.” 

Ben contemplated what he had just heard.

“Wait, so, you will help her? You’ll help me save her?” Ben was astonished. He genuinely thought his Uncle would be too consumed with his well being that he would have abandoned the thought of securing your safety. 

And honestly, Ben understood why. He knew that the way of the Jedi was to focus on the greater good, and the protection of the new Order his Uncle had taken such patience and time to create was imperative to the survival of their ways. As much as Ben longed for Luke to help, he had not taken the time to acknowledge the risk he was asking him to take.

“Yes, I will. But first, I do think it’s time we have a discussion before this goes any further.” Luke’s words were puzzling and Ben had absolutely no clue as to what he was referring to. He knew not to question it, and nodded in agreement.

Gathering their things, Ben followed Luke out of the training area, leading him back to the main Temple and into Luke’s study. Not a word was spoken, a tension hanging in the air, with something strange emanating from Luke.

Ben recognized it as Luke sat in his chair and let out a deep breath.

Fear.

Luke was afraid to tell Ben what he was about to tell him, putting Ben instantly on edge as he pulled out the small stool across from Luke and sat down. The nervousness settled in his stomach as Luke made eye contact with Ben, trying his best to mask the obvious dread brewing beneath the surface.

“Surely you know the story of Darth Vader.”

_ That’s it? Is Luke about to tell me the same story for the hundredth time? _

“Of course, Master Skywalker. You faced him and brought about the fall of the Galactic Empire.”

“Yes. But I am not just telling you the story of Vader in his prime. I want to tell you about the Jedi Knight he used to be.”

_ “What?”  _ Ben said, completely astonished. He of course knew the rise of Darth Vader, a Sith Lord, working under Darth Sidious to rule the galaxy. It was during this time that his parents met, when they both were part of the rebellion in the period of the Galactic Empire.

But a Jedi? He had no idea that Vader had formerly been training to become a Jedi Knight. He never even stopped to consider that as being a possibility. Han and Leia refrained from talking about Vader, which Ben attributed to his young age, but he of course read about it once coming to the Temple. Something was always strange about it to him. It was as though Vader appeared from nowhere, so knowing he was a former Jedi Knight made sense.

Stranger than that, deep down, Ben somehow knew that he had heard his voice before. Not that he ever knew him, but something in his gut knew it was him. During the various nightmares he endured, a heavy breathing, as if grasping at life, sometimes filled his consciousness, and asked him to finish what he started. This had occurred only a few times, but that scratchy, modulated breath lived in his mind, imprinted in his memory.

“Yes. Vader was once a Jedi Knight, training to become a Master himself. During the Clone Wars, he was manipulated by Darth Sidious who preyed on his vulnerability.”

“Vulnerability?”   
  


“Yes, like a certain padawan I know, he allowed his emotions to control him and let that fear of loss of the woman he loved consume him, leading him down the path of the Dark Side.”

Ben thought on this for a moment. It was easier to understand why compassion and connection to another is dangerous when it was laid out like this, to see a real example of how it changed someone from good to bad.

“But, even after turning to the Dark, I knew there was good in him still. I showed mercy at the end of his life, releasing him from the burden of his misery.”

“How did you know he still had the Light inside of him? Is that something all Jedi can do?”

Luke was silent for a moment.

Ben knew that everything he heard up to this point was about to matter even more. He knew what Luke was about to say would be the most jarring piece of information.

“Before falling to the Dark, Vader consummated his relationship with the woman he loved. They were married on Naboo, and she became pregnant shortly thereafter.”

He knew Luke was building it up still.

“While many believed the mother and the unborn children, twins, had passed, this was not true. Yes, Padme died at the hand of Vader, but their children survived.”

_ Oh… _

“He, he was Anakin Skywalker, wasn’t he?”

Luke nodded solemnly.

“Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader, he is your grandfather, Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all!!! apologize immensely for the super long wait again, I have been incredibly busy with school and finals and all these essays piling up so I figured I would deliver this slightly shorter one now to build up for a veryyyyy important and longer chapter next!! finals are done next week so I definitely think I will be able to have this next one out by Christmas, but I promise, it will be WORTH IT.


	16. A Past Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben connects the dots about his family past and the situation he was in now.  
> You go to your first lesson with the Supreme Leader and make a difficult decision.

Darth Vader.

_ The  _ Darth Vader. Supreme Commander of the Galactic Empire. Jedi killer.

But also, Anakin Skywalker.

Jedi Knight. Hero of the Republic. Grandfather.

For so long he thought he was the exception of the Skywalker bloodline, a tainted child, the burden his parents were doomed to bear. After all, the Skywalker legacy was one of heroism and courageousness, certainly not temptation and indulgence in the darker side of the Force. But now, knowing that one of the most feared men in the galaxy was his  _ grandfather?  _

Just hearing Luke say it, everything started to make sense in his head.

That modulated, muffled breathing in some of his visions. It had to be him. Telling Ben to finish what he started, making him subconsciously believe that it was the path he had to take, the destiny that he was unable to change, a destiny defined by pain and bloodshed.

A call from his own grandfather to take up power in his stead.

But, why? At the end of his life, Vader was able to return to the Light, after killing Darth Sidious. Luke felt the Light in him, helped him redeem himself, and held him in his arms as he passed.

Ben was hopelessly confused. Why would Vader’s voice in his mind be telling him to turn to the Dark when the last thing Vader ever did was renounce the Dark and come back to the Light?

Thinking back on the years of nightmares and brutally violent visions, they were almost always from his point of view, and there was no mistaking what was happening in them.

Blood. Screams. The sky cloaked in deep crimson as the sounds of pain and suffering echoed through the air.

But he was never the one in danger. He was the one slaughtering and mutilating countless people, a red saber swinging recklessly in his hand, unbridled fury crackling from the hilt.

The bodies that littered the ground, all Jedi. Fellow students from the Academy. Students that Ben had murdered.

How was that something Vader had started? Was the voice referring to Order 66 and his grandfather’s subsequent pursuit to kill all the remaining Jedi? Did he truly want him to cease the existence of all of the Jedi?

That was what the voice in his head wanted to make him, the next Darth Vader.

A monster. A Sith. A Jedi killer.

But now, they had  _ you _ .

You. Just a girl from Chandrilla, who grew up with a simple family, and led a simple life.

There had to be something else. To Ben, of course you had always been special. But that pull he felt towards you, that connection that bound you two, it felt cosmic, greater than anything he had ever known.. Even if you had not both been from the same place, somehow you were destined to find each other, as if everything in the galaxy relied on the two of you.

And for the First Order to settle for someone who  _ wasn’t  _ a Skywalker? A descendant of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy? There was something about you. There had to be. Something that nobody knew about, except for the owner of the merciless voice in his head.

And yet, the very fact that Ben’s mind drifted to how this related to you is exactly why Luke was telling him about all of this in the first place. 

Attachment. Ben was hopelessly, endlessly attached to you, in the same way that Anakin was devoted to Padme. Yet, he still did not fully comprehend how that influenced his eventual fall and betrayal of everything he had known and stood for.

Uncomfortable silence enveloped the room. It was Ben who finally spoke, breaking through the stillness in the room after the history and truth of their heritage that Luke had revealed to him.

“Master,” It came out as a whimper. “I am not him. I am not Darth Vader, I am not a Sith Lord. Yes, sometimes I feel it, the draw to the Dark, I can’t lie. But I have never thought about leaving the Jedi, this place, and you. I  _ promise _ , Uncle Luke.”

Ben knew this was why Luke was always so hesitant with him. So unwilling to indulge his recklessness, to take his mistakes lightly, constantly reprimanding him for the smallest of violations of the Code and his rules in general. Ben was intended to be the best of them, to learn from Luke and carry on the Skywalker legacy, one defined by Light, not Dark.

Yet, he still didn’t understand what this had to do with  _ you _ .

Being with you, he knew it was breaking the Jedi Code, but he could hardly understand how giving into ones’ emotions in the realm of a relationship would result in him becoming a monster. 

“It can.” Luke spoke, a pensive look on his face.

“What?” It hadn’t occurred to Ben that Luke was listening to his thoughts, which was frankly naïve of him to forget.

“Attachment. It can turn you to the Dark, like it did to Anakin. His desperate need to protect Padme, the fear of losing her, he was willing to do whatever he needed to save her from dying.”

Ben cast his eyes to the floor. It was all sounding far too similar to the thoughts in his head, his willingness to do anything, everything to get you home, away from the First Order. He had been prepared to go in your stead, to let those visions unfold as they pertained to him, anything to keep you out of harm’s way.

“Can’t you see, this is why the Jedi are against such attachments! Fear of loss inevitably leads to a lack of responsibility, if it means getting what you want. This, your connection to this girl, it’s dangerous.”

Luke had taken on his serious tone again, clearly trying to impress upon Ben how important it was for him to understand the situation. 

“But then, well, why are you helping me? Why are you willing to save her?”

It was a fair question. Luke had gone from adamantly opposing their connection and took a stance of leaving her to her fate, to now willingly sacrificing the safety of himself and possibly the survival of his Temple to rescue her.

Luke shifted on his feet, the stern line on his mouth unmoving. He was silent for a moment, clearly contemplating his next words carefully.

“Because I know you, Ben. I know that even with me telling you this, you’ll go to her anyway. You’ll do whatever it takes. It is my intention to be by your side through it all, to guide you and help you balance yourself. I won’t lose you, not the way I lost my father for far too long.”

Ben couldn’t help but feel immense guilt. He was making Luke go against everything he had taught him, practically rejecting the ancient Jedi texts, all for the sake of his attachment that was inherently dangerous.

“Luke, I, I’m sorry, for putting you through this. It’s selfish and ignorant and -”

“Ben.”

Luke moved to his nephew, his hand finding a place to rest on Ben’s shoulder. Hesitantly, Ben looked up from his fixated stare on the floor and connected with Luke’s thoughtful gaze.

“I didn’t tell you that to make you feel guilty, or wrong. I trust that this information will actually help you remember yourself. Only together, we can end this suffering you’re plagued with. You, me… and the girl.”

“I…” Ben struggled to formulate a fitting response. Instead of speaking, Ben shot up from his chair and flung his arms around Luke, pulling him into a hug. It had been a long time since he truly felt this familial connection, and in this moment, he just needed his Uncle there with him.

“Thank you, Master.” Just those few words were enough to convey the immense gratitude Ben had for Luke’s actions. Luke patted Ben on his back slowly, as the realization of how their lives were about to change set in for the both of them.

Ben sensed Luke tensing up, as if already preparing for a battle that seemed imminent. It did not take him long to realize what he must be going through, understanding that Luke had already been through this once before. 

A showdown with the forces of the Dark Side. The life of his family hanging in the balance. The taxation it would cause his Uncle was obvious, having to go through such a cataclysmic event again. Luke’s dedication to his family was at odds with his decision to uphold the Jedi ways, a conflict that he was bearing seemingly on his own.

“Uncle Luke,” Ben mumbled as the two slowly moved apart from the hug.

“You are not alone. I promise. This won’t be like last time, you have me and you are  _ not  _ going to lose me to them.”

He knew that was the overarching fear. Luke did not want to see another person in his family take up the way of the Dark Side, knowing that if Ben did, he would not be able to live with himself. This was his chance to get rid of the threat altogether, to prevent the opportunity for further manipulation of his nephew, and this weight laid heavy in his mind.

“I know, Ben. And know I will do whatever it takes to protect you, to keep you in the Light, do you understand what that means?”

Oh, he knew what it meant. As much as Luke’s priority was his family, the obligation to keep the galaxy in the balance was of higher importance to the rest of the universe. Should Ben fall, be seduced by the Dark Side users of the First Order, there was something he knew Luke would have to do.

Ben solemnly nodded, silently praying it would not come to that.

The two exchanged goodbyes and Ben retreated out of the office to go back to his hut.

With the implication that Luke would do  _ whatever  _ was needed for the Light Side to prevail, Ben knew his warning extended past himself. What he really meant was you. Should Luke, Ben and hopefully the remnants of the Resistance manage to find and battle the First Order, they would come for you.

But, if you had already been manipulated yourself, become an agent of the Order?

It was not just the brisk air that made Ben shudder. The thought that either Luke or himself would have to finish the job, despite the promise he had made to never harm you again, sent waves of shivers throughout his body.

“No,” He muttered to himself as eh dragged his feet through the sand down the path to his isolated hut.

_ If she is, well, “dark,” I can turn her. I know I can bring her back to the Light, the way she would do the same for me. _

Ben made a silent promise to himself, reaffirming the one he made to you those months ago. If the two of you were to face, diametrically opposed in the setting of a battle of Light and Dark, he was willing to do whatever to spare you, to bring you back. The image of him raising his lightsaber against you made him physically wince as his hand found the door of his hut, creaking it open and slumping onto the bed in a huff.

Still unaware if his efforts to reach across the tether had any effect, he closed his eyes and relaxed his body, melting into the small cot as he opened his mind to your connection. Visualizing the long rope that held your minds together, he allowed the Force to surround his body, to let his limbs go numb and surrendered himself to the mercy of the galaxy.

“Please,” He whispered at the ceiling, trying to send his words through the roof and on their way to wherever you could be. If only he could visualize your surroundings, to see where you were, then he knew the message would be going through. But despite this lack of detail, he hoped his need, his desperation for you to hear him, would be enough to let the Force aid him.

“Please just hold on. Be strong,” your name fell from his mouth gently, as though he was trying to speak your presence into existence, wishing he was talking to you directly instead of willing the Force to send his message to you.

Suddenly, Ben felt as though eyes were on him. He shot up in his bed, breaking his concentration and thus severing the brief moment he had hoped he had in your mind.

Nothing. Nobody was there, and as soon as the feeling had arrived, it had disappeared altogether. He settled back onto his pillow, thinking on what was to happen next.

Undoubtedly, Luke would reach out to the Resistance. If they were to be on board, which he knew they would be, they would rendezvous either here or wherever they still had bases set up.

But further, it meant he would see his mother and father again. Parents whom he had not seen for  _ years _ , parents who hadn’t so much as physically spoken to him in at least five years. He had no idea what it would be like.

Sure, he resented the fact that they sent him away at such a young age. That prickling sense of betrayal ate away at him since he started to piece things together, that they truly feared their son and abandoned him by making him his Uncle’s “problem.”

And yet, there was a piece of him that still had undying love for them. Part of him understood their decision, to send him away, hoping to save his soul. But how was it fair to him to not so much as inquire about him? To have not wished him a happy birthday since he was maybe 18? 

So much of him felt uncertain, unclear about how he was supposed to feel about them. He knew that when the time came, he would know, but for now, all he could do was think about the lack of presence they had in his life, while also remembering fondly the memories he did have with them.

Should one outweigh the other? Could they even be held responsible for their action if it was intended to be good for him? Ben’s brain went fuzzy with all of the contradictions, a pulsating headache beginning to form behind his temple.

He shook them out from his consciousness, knowing that dwelling on possibilities and undefinable emotions would only lead him to pain and confusion.

Finally settling back down on his bed, he let himself wander to a happy place, the same thing he did every time he needed to be reminded of the Light, to help him focus on the good things in his life.

While the memories he had with you were minimal, they were enough to remind him of how breathtaking you were, and how lucky he felt to have you in his life. Your ethereal presence when you laid on the hill with him, staring up at the stars, fantasizing about the life you wanted to have, the freedom you sought.

Ben was determined to give you that life. To ensure that freedom for you, to travel with you visiting the most beautiful planets the galaxy had to offer. A smile creeped its way onto his face, allowing him just enough peace to fall into a state of contentment and distract him from the threat of reality.

* * *

Reader's POV

It was official. You were sick of the obnoxiously monotone colors that decorated everything affiliated with the First Order.

You had been relocated to Snoke’s ship, not that you could have told the difference at first. Just as confusing, just as dark and cold as Starkiller base. 

_ The Supremacy. _ Even the name made you scoff. Could Snoke be more arrogant if he tried?

Surprisingly, there was one thing going for you at the moment.

A new, strange friendship with Lieutenant Hux. He had been given a lot of responsibility on the ship, so you didn’t see him too frequently, but when you did, the two of you bonded. Learning more about his past, how cruel his father was, you understood him a little bit better. All of the things you initially hated about him were rooted in his innate need to please his father. He had been left so damaged by him that he turned his pain into the same cruelty he experienced, but ever since leaving Starkiller, that cruelty had dissipated. 

You, on the other hand, were bored out of your mind.

That is, until the day Snoke finally demanded you come to the throne room for your first lesson.

It was a morning like any other aboard the Supremacy. You woke up, put on your issued clothing, and dragged yourself to the mess hall for some breakfast. It felt strange, honestly, that life was relatively the same to the Temple. Everyone had the same daily things, everyone ate and talked and did their tasks, which almost humanized all of the bucketheads and personnel on the ship.

Almost.

Throwing the brown slop on your tray, you made your way down the line, eyeing the various provisions they had laid out for the day. You settled for the slop and a piece of bread, and quietly made your way to the same spot as usual, tucked away in the corner.

No one ever ate with you, which is how you wanted it. Hux was typically awake and doing something already, meaning he didn’t ever have time for breakfast with you.

As you chomped down on the not-quite-fresh-but-not-yet-stale bread, you watched as two Stormtroopers made their way to your table.

“Miss.”

_ Miss? What was this, a gala on Naboo?  _

“Cut the formalities you sad heaps of metal.” You still had not lost your hatred of Stormtroopers, that was for sure. “What do you want?”

The two were unwavering, brushing off the attitude you spat back at them.

“You will come with us now.”

Swallowing the lump of bread you had bitten off, you rolled your eyes at the vague instructions.

“Where?” You figure it would be something stupid, honestly. It was so early and you were barely awake. Now that was the only thing that had changed about you. Your usual morning peppiness was gone completely. In fact, you found it difficult to get out of bed most days.

Probably because you were a prisoner in your new life. Not a very enticing reason to get up and be productive.

“The Supreme Leader demands your presence in the throne room.  _ Now.” _

“Kriff,” you muttered underneath your breath.

_ The Supreme Leader? Now?  _ Of course, you knew it was only a matter of time before your role was to become clear and you would be undergoing “training,” or whatever, with your new “Master.” But the fact that it was finally happening felt so surreal, and you found yourself clenching at your stomach as the dread settled in. 

“I said,  _ NOW.”  _ The larger trooper grabbed you by your arm, effectively knocking your tray on the ground as they yanked you out of your seat.

“Hey! But I didn’t-”

“Don’t care. Let’s go.” Pushing you in front of them, you felt the tip of a blaster against your back, coaxing your movements.

“Idiots,” You whispered, knowing that the blaster was pointless. When were they going to understand you were there by your own volition? And you were pretty sure if a stupid trooper shot you, the Supreme Leader would not be too happy to hear about the loss of his new apprentice.

Exiting the mess hall, you found yourself being shoved every which way en route to the “throne room,” whatever that was. The walk was short, but with each step you took you could feel the fear rising in your body, your ears ringing with anticipation by the time you stopped at a large door at the end of a hallway.

The doors burst open and the troopers shoved you inside, closing the door behind you and not accompanying you in.

_ Oh my stars… _

Now you see why it was called the throne room.

Before you was a massive, glossy black bridge that looked like it went on for miles. With every ounce of courage you had, you forced yourself to move forward, towards the large, open area.

Guards in red armor lined the sides of the room, matching the massive red curtain that hung on the walls. There, at the center, was Snoke, leaning menacingly in an oversized throne of obsidian.

“My young apprentice,” He hissed, beckoning you to come forward.

The aura in the room was intoxicating, as though the darkness emanated from its very walls, stifling the Light inside your own mind. You carefully walked forward, and remembered to kneel. As sick as it made you, kneeling to this creature, you would have rather done it yourself than be forced down.

“Good… good…” Lifting your gaze, you saw a smirk on his pale, grotesque face, making you uneasy. 

“Do you know why I have summoned you here today, apprentice?”

“Um, no?”

Mistake.

The air left your lungs almost immediately as you clawed at your neck, feeling your body leave the ground and hover in the air. Gasping for air, you felt your vision going blurry, until quickly your body hit the floor with a loud  _ thud _ .

“Do not give me such an attitude, you foolish girl.”

You could barely hear what he was demanding. Sputtering on all fours, you panted, trying to regain your composure and dignity as fast as you could. The dryness in your throat made it almost impossible for you to give a response, which you knew he was waiting for.

“Yes... sir…” you managed to choked out as you pulled your body up into a kneeling position.

“I believe you mean  _ Master _ , or  _ Supreme Leader _ .”

Master. You could not bring yourself to call him that. He did not deserve to hear that, knowing that your true Master would always be Master Skywalker.

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Composure restored, you stared at Snoke, falsely displaying a sense of confidence and security. Underneath the surface, your body was screaming with terror.

“Today, is your first lesson. Tell me,” He began, pausing for a moment, shifting in the obscenely large throne. “How proficient are you with your weapon?” Snoke’s bony hand lifted, pointing to the saber attached at your hip.

“I, uh, I’m fairly skilled, I suppose, Supreme Leader.” It had completely slipped that your mind that your kyber crystal, now residing in your blade, had been confiscated before you came here. After retrieving it from General Hux’s office, you had reinstalled it into the blade without thinking.

“It appears that this hilt is not in fact empty, as it was intended to be.”

_ Kriff.  _ Your body tensed up, sweat forming on your forehead as you contemplated what to say.

“Well, Supreme Leader, I… I didn’t think an empty hilt would serve you much purpose, so I took it back.”

Silence. He sat contemplating your words, before a wry smile appeared once again. What about what you had just said could possibly have made him  _ happy?  _

“Good, a kyber crystal is not for someone as simple-minded as the General to hold onto. I knew you would be wise enough to reclaim it.”

Before you could grab it, your lightsaber flew through the air into his grip. You watched as Snoke ignited it, the violet hue reverberating against the black backdrop of his throne.

“Hm, a fair blade,” He said approvingly. As he disengaged it, you anxiously sat, waiting for him to return it to you. Slowly, the hilt came away from his grasp and hovered in the air between the two of you. 

“Thank you, Supreme Leader.” You were unsure of what the proper thing to do in this situation would be. 

Hilt still suspended in the air, it began to disassemble itself, revealing the purple crystal inside, shining brighter than ever. The crystal glided away from the saber, towards your face.

“Now, my apprentice, it is time we strengthen this bond between you and your crystal, to unleash your  _ true  _ powers within.”

_ What? _ You couldn’t help but think to yourself. From what you learned at the Temple and from Ben, there was no such thing as enhancing your crystal. It was its own source of energy, that you were gifted enough to control, but forcing more power from it? That sounded incredibly dangerous.

“Focus on the crystal and allow your emotions to consume you, child,” He was speaking deeper than before, egging you on. Unsure of what the angle was, you focused on your crystal, but nothing appeared to be happening.

“I said, FOCUS.”

Your view went dark. You felt as though you were falling into a void, with no source of light to pull you out of it. Falling, falling continually, until your back connected with the cold ground. 

Only, when you opened your eyes, you weren’t in the same place. 

You were back on Chandrilla. In your old home.

It took a moment to settle in, but you quickly realized what was happening.

This was the day Ben left.

Panicking, you got up off the floor of your old bedroom and ran to the outside, where you witnessed yours and Ben’s final interaction as children.

Cutting through the vision, Snoke’s voice filled your head.

_ Remember, apprentice, how did this make you feel? _

Sad, angry, pain, fear, loss. The day Ben left had crushed you as a child.

You watched from a distance as Ben handed you your kyber crystal, only adding to the underlying current of feelings of loneliness and abandonment. You never blamed him for leaving, but suddenly anger was rising within you faster than you could control.

It was Luke. Han and Leia.  _ They  _ sent him away from you, took away your only friend.

How could they be so selfish? Didn’t they know what they were doing to both him and you by doing that?

The emotions swirled inside your mind, confounding any clear thoughts you were attempting to conjure up. With these heightened feelings of anguish and irritation, the scene suddenly changed, and now you were back at Luke’s Temple.

Luke was lecturing you about your connection with Ben.

_ “Force Bonds have notoriously been used for manipulation by the Dark Side in order to seduce force users to join them, so I’m sure I don’t need to explain why that concerns me in the case of my nephew,” _

_ “I assure you, I will not hesitate to protect this new Order should either of you jeopardize the safety of the Jedi.” _

_ “And if you know anything regarding yourself or Ben in terms of connections outside of your Force Bond, specifically with any, shall we say, communication, then I advise you to let me know immediately. Do not try to handle things yourself, it will only make things worse. You can’t protect him from everything” _

“But I CAN protect him!” You cried out. In fact, that’s exactly what you were doing aboard the Supremacy, protecting Ben from having this fate himself.

It was no use, of course, this was only a vision.

But those words coming from Luke, they boiled inside of you, causing the anger to stifle the sadness and rise to the top.

Suddenly, you were back in the throne room, but your eyes were closed.

You couldn’t help it. A scream of agony, the realization of the hatred you carried inside yourself, knowing that you were not totally consumed with Light, you allowed the rage and resentment to control you, and as you opened your eyes, you learned the consequences.

In front of you, your crystal, it looked like it was…  _ bleeding _ .

The gorgeous violet hue was all but gone as a deep crimson replaced it.

_ “Yes,”  _ Snoke hummed in front of you, pleased with how your inability to maintain your emotions and keep them in check resulted in this situation.

You watched with horror as your formerly beautiful, innocent purple kyber crystal was mutilated by your darkest thoughts, as the color dissipated from it. The red underneath was striking, the color of blood, of  _ wrath _ .

Snoke wasted no time reinserting this newly forged crystal back into your lightsaber hilt. Upon rescrewing your weapon, it floated back to you, hovering in front of you a moment before you reached out to grasp it in your hand.

“Now, my apprentice, release your  _ rage _ .”

It was as though you were in a trance. Almost instantaneously, your finger pushed down on the ignition and you watched the blade come to life.

Red, crackling energy emanated from your hilt. Your visions, they were coming true, one by one.

In your hand was your saber, only it was different. It was powerful. Untamed. Pure, raw emotion.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw one of the dormant red guards spring to life and rush at you. Quickly, you swung your saber up in defense, connecting with their metal weapon.

So much was happening that your movements were purely instinctive. 

Upon the ignition of your saber, you felt the fury inside of you flare, causing you to fight back against the guard with confidence and strength you never knew you had.

Swing after swing, you connected with their metal spear, but slowly pushed them further away from you with each movement. Your mind was blank, filled only with the emotions you had in that moment. Focusing on the motion of the guard, you calculated your next combo of attack carefully, and waited for your chance.

The guard thrusted at you directly, and you sidestepped with ease. Reaching out your hand, you took the air from them immediately, causing them to drop their weapon.

Suspended in the air, the masked guard clawed at their throat as tears stung the corners of your eyes. But as you watched them struggle for air, a new emotion slipped into your subconscious.

_ Pleasure.  _

Something inside you was actually happy to see this, to see someone in this much pain by your hand. Without hesitation, you stabbed your saber through their chest, the crackling of the blade filling your ears as their body fell limp to the ground.

Smoke rose from the hole that burned through them, your ears ringing with adrenaline. 

_ What have I done… _

Regret. Instant regret. You disengaged the lightsaber as you stared at the lifeless body beneath you, the tears that rested on your eyelids begging to fall.

_ No. Not here.  _

You cast your eyes back to the Supreme Leader, who was no longer seated.

Standing, he waded his way over to you, those long golden robes flowing behind him.

“This, this is better than I could have ever imagined,” You heard him declare as he came closer and closer. Taking slow, calculated steps towards him, you kneeled, just wanting to go back to your room and forget that any of this had happened.

“No, child,  _ rise. _ ”

He was standing right in front of you, looking down on you in your subservient position. Hesitantly, you calmed your shaky knees and stood up, lifting your eyes to meet his.

His boney hand rested on your shoulder and you felt chills go through your poor, broken spirit.

“You did wonderfully, my apprentice. Exceeded my expectations. This will make your life  _ much  _ easier, I assure you.”

This time you couldn’t even get out any words. You stood, staring incredulously at the large figure in front of you, knowing that what you had just done could not be taken back.

“Very well, girl. Return to your quarters. You look like you need some rest.” His laugh reverberated throughout the cavernous room, echoing off of the curtains and filling the void beneath you.

You turned and began to walk quickly down the bridge, but it didn’t even feel like you were there, as though you blacked out and let your body take over to get you back to your room.

Somehow, you navigated the halls with ease, with no troopers there to escort you. It had to have been physical memory of your body, because you had no recollection of even walking back once you arrived at your blast door.

Quickly, you rushed inside and threw the lightsaber that was still in your hand at the wall, letting it come crashing to the floor after. Running to your bed, you collapsed onto your stomach, hands holding your face.

The tears finally broke free as you allowed them to flow down your face, collecting in your hands.

In just one day, so much had changed. After maintaining your independence, still feeling full of Light, you came crumbling down. Your emotions clouded all judgment, just as Luke had once warned you.

The hatred that you felt in that moment, towards your former Master, you felt dirty even thinking about it. What would Ben think?

_ Ben.  _

You couldn’t handle the idea that Ben would know this ever happened. There was something you knew you had to do, as much as you didn’t want to. Lifting yourself off of your stomach, you made your way to a seated position, wiping away the tears that stained your chin with the back of your hands.

“I know what I have to do,” you whispered to yourself, still contemplating your idea. 

“But I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

Releasing a sigh, you thought deeply about it. By doing this, you figured you could possibly lose your connection with Ben altogether. But you couldn’t risk his safety any longer.

Focusing, you drew in a deep breath, and entered a state of meditation, only you realized you weren’t alone.

Of course you weren’t. You couldn’t blame him, checking in on you from thousands of miles away across the galaxy.

But this would be the last time. Allowing your mind to tap in on the tether, you heard his voice, as soft as ever, knowing that he did not know you could actually hear him.

_ “Please,” _ you heard him whisper.  _ “Please just hold on. Be strong.” _

Those words solidified your decision. He was trying to figure out how to save you. You couldn’t risk him strengthening your connection, learning about your whereabouts, about what you’ve done and would be forced to do again. You were not going to let him try and rescue you.

Not only did you erect the walls around your mind, but you visualized the very thread that held your minds together being cut, drifting into nothingness.

It would take Ben too much to rebuild the connection, you knew it.

Pulling yourself out of your mind, your body fell onto the mattress.

That was it.

You would never see him again. Never hear his voice again. Never feel him again.

But it was for the best. For Ben.

Closing your eyes, you sobbed silently, feeling the loneliest you ever had. Nothing could compare to the pain you were feeling after severing the connection.

Ben was gone, but this time, it felt like it was for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO ALL!!!  
> Yep I did it again and didn't update for a month I apologize!! But I hope it was worth the wait!  
> Thank you so much for your patience and continuing to read my story, it makes me so happy every time I finally update :)  
> As usual, thank you for the kind comments and kudos, and I promise I will do my best to post again soon! Next chapter is in the works already!!


	17. Your Dark Deeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having been weeks since your first lesson with Snoke, your mind drove you wild with dark visions of what you had done, making you realize just how different you had become. A friend makes themselves known to you on board, and a new opportunity arises.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, time was simply blending together, oftentimes making you question whether you were even in touch with reality anymore.

Being onboard The Supremacy was eating away at your sanity, draining any inkling of happiness and optimism you arrived with. Since that day in the throne room, malicious visions began circling in your mind at any given hour of the day. Countless nights you sprung awake out of fear, drenched in sweat and unable to fall back asleep, victim to the endless torture of your memories.

You had taken someone’s life out of anger and rage. As much as you tried to justify to yourself that it was self-defense, part of you knew that was just an excuse for the much grimmer realization. You had done exactly as Snoke intended. Your body fed off of the hatred and fury you harvested inside when you struck down that guard. In the moment, the buzz that flooded your senses felt almost satisfactory, almost pleasant, as you watched the red armor clatter against the floor.

But now, two months since your first “lesson,” all you felt was pain and regret, for more reasons than just that.

Your isolation began to suffocate you with loneliness.

The visions plagued your thoughts, something new being added to them each time, as though your mind was altering the event to make it seem even  _ worse _ than you had remembered. New perspectives, changes in your facial expression, and most recently, the fact that it seemed that your eyes glowed momentarily, exhibiting a striking yellow color that struck you deep with fear. Not only did you wonder whether all of these observations were real, but part of you almost knew them to be true.

The snicker from the Supreme Leader occupied a space in your subconscious, the echo of his approval bouncing off the walls in your mind.

_ “You did wonderfully, my apprentice. Exceeded my expectations. This will make your life much easier, I assure you.” _

Exceeded his expectations. You had gone darker than he previously imagined possible at your very first meeting. The achievement you felt when you ignited your lightsaber through that guard was like poison, flooding the Light that had previously shone brightly throughout. 

Staring at the blank ceiling in your abysmal room, the familiar touch of tears in the corners of your eyes rose to your senses. You couldn’t remember the last time you fell asleep without being reminded of the insufferable feeling of abandonment that you increasingly experienced.

Not only had you severed the connection to the only person you felt truly understood you in this whole galaxy, but you had seen less and less of your only friend onboard this massive floating jail cell that you were confined to indefinitely.

Hux had been given even  _ more  _ command onboard The Supremacy since you had arrived, and you knew that was why you hadn’t seen him in weeks. Besides, how was he supposed to know what happened in the throne room? You hardly believed that information was being spread around by the officers in the ship. If anything, that would make them afraid of you, knowing that you had disposed of one of the Supreme Leader’s highly trained guards with relative ease.

So, there you were. Alone, like all the other nights you had spent in this unforgiving mass of metal.

Before, you would just connect yourself with the Force and watch over Ben like a guardian he couldn’t see, but you couldn’t even do that anymore. Even just watching him, from so far away, it always managed to help you feel at ease, knowing he was safe, knowing he was okay. At times, you felt him in your mind still, as though he knew what you had done and yet continued to tug on the connection you shared, desperately hoping to get through to you.

But his efforts came to no avail. You had channeled all of your power into cutting that mental connection, drained every last ounce of hope from your body, knowing it was the only way to keep him safe. You couldn’t be selfish, you had told yourself. You made this decision and endangering Ben would make it all not worth it.

Even with Ben being stronger than you, something as foreign as the Force Bond would be impossible for him to conjure up out of nowhere, if it even worked like that. To be honest,  _ you  _ still had no idea if it actually worked, but then why else would you have not seen Ben for two months? You could only hope that whatever you did was enough, and that Ben hadn’t gone seeking out a way to fix it. 

In your heart, it felt permanent. And you told yourself to keep believing that it was, both to protect Ben and to help you try to normalize yourself within your new life. 

Just as you felt the tears begin to roll onto the tops of your cheeks, a loud banging at the door pulled you out of your pity.

“He-hello?” You choked down your sadness, remembering that the only way to make it on this ship was to pretend everything was fine and to remind those lowly bucketheads of your dominance onboard.

The door hissed open and in walked two stormtroopers. Typical.

“I’m not in the mood, fellas,” you groaned as you rolled over onto your stomach, using the pillow to wipe away any residual tears before you knew you would inevitably be forced out of your chambers and sent off to some stupid task.

“At ease, ‘troopers. I can handle her myself.” Your head flipped around faster than the fathiers on Canto Bight. There was a time that the sight of such striking red hair in your quarters made you want to unleash your anger and force-choke the ginger fool against the wall, but now the only thing you felt was relief. 

Relief from your isolation, from your sadness, from your loneliness.

Even with the two of you being friends now, it was better not to let anyone else know about your companionship, just in case. You remained stoic, even lifted a glaring eyebrow for flare, at which he rolled his eyes and gave you a smirk. 

“I said, at  _ ease.  _ Listen to your General and wait outside the door.” Hux waved a hand and the ‘troopers turned and marched out of the doorway, the blast door sealing shut behind them.

Almost instantaneously, you leaped from your bed and rushed to your friend, throwing your arms around him limply as he pulled you in tighter for a deep squeeze.

“Where the  _ kriff  _ have you been, huh? And since when are you a General?” You joked with him as you pulled away from the embrace. Hux laughed, something you weren’t sure if you had actually ever seen before, and it ignited something inside of you.

Happiness. You were so happy to see someone else, someone who knew you, even if he didn’t  _ know  _ you the way Ben did. Hux never asked many questions about your reason for giving into the First Order or why you stayed so willingly, and you didn’t intend on answering him even if he ever did. Yes, you were friends, but he was still First Order and you were still...well, you.

“Well, a  _ lot  _ has happened,” There was something in his voice that was amiss. A tinge of hesitation, perhaps.

“I’ve got time,” You quickly rebutted, motioning for him to sit down at your desk while you plopped back down on your bed, legs dangling off the side facing him. Hux followed your lead and sat at the chair, angling himself towards the bed, eyes glued on you. His pale hands gripped the arms of the chair, tensed up, his knuckles turning even whiter.

“Okay,” You took a more serious tone in your voice, trying to show him you were willing to really listen. “What is going on with you? I’m serious, Hux.” 

“I’m fine, but…” He trailed off and raised his hand to remove the hat from his head. Setting it down on the table, his hand returned to his head, scratching it as his eyes averted your gaze.

“But what?” Your voice was stern, almost demanding. It wasn’t your intention to command him to tell you, but you almost felt like you had to the way he was tiptoeing around it.

“Well, I, uh, heard about your, um ‘lesson,’ I guess,” His hands mimicked air quotations around the word  _ lesson _ , and your heart sank immediately.

He knew. He knew that you killed a guard. 

_ Kriff,  _ you thought to yourself.  _ He hates me. He has to, he’s probably terrified of- _

“Are you okay?” His soft voice cut through your rattling thoughts that were building rapidly in your brain, all convincing you that he would never want to be seen with you again, and you would truly be alone.

“Are you scared of me?” Blunt. To the point. You knew if you didn’t ask, you would be plagued with the possibility floating around senselessly in your mind all day.

“Scared of you? I mean, no, well kinda cause, like you have the  _ force _ , but, well we’re friends, so no, I’m not.” He fumbled his way through the sentence, unaware that hearing the word friends come from his mouth had lifted your anxieties out of your head almost completely.

“Should I be?” Sheepishly he followed up his statement, to which you laughed in response.

“No! No, I was just, I was afraid you were scared of me and wouldn’t want to be around me anymore,” You offered a slight smile, at ease knowing that even the news of you giving into the Dark Side and literally killing someone didn’t sour his opinion of you.

_ Well, he is First Order. Guess I’d have to do a  _ lot  _ worse to make him hate me. _

“Funny you should say that,” He moved to the edge of the chair, clearly excited about what he was about to say.

“As you heard, I’ve been promoted to General aboard the ship, and I have an off-base mission tomorrow.”

Although unaware of what this had to do with the comment you had made prior to this statement, you nodded your head in encouragement. You were happy for him, he was making a name for himself and establishing his importance away from his slug of a father.

“Yes! Congrats, firstly, and secondly, a  _ mission?  _ Off the  _ base?  _ What is it? Where are you going? Wait, is it dangerous? Are you gonna be alone? No offense, Hux but they should  _ probably  _ send some bucket heads with-”

“You’re coming with me.”

You felt your heart leap inside of you. Going off-base? Leaving this creepy, monotone room you call your quarters? Getting away from the Supreme Leader for however long?

“Thank the  _ maker _ , I seriously need to get out of this place for a bit before I bash my head in with one of the lunch trays.”

Hux smiled again before reaching for his hat on the desk and tucking it under his arm as he stood up.

“Technically I was supposed to just tell you through your datapad that we have a meeting later, but I knew I had to deliver the news in person. Better start packing, I’ll see you in the conference room in 0400 hours.” He nodded as he turned on his heels and began to walk towards the door, but he still hadn’t even given you a piece of crucial information.

“Wait, but what is the mission?” It wasn’t like you really cared, you were just thankful to get off that base. But, it still would have been nice to know what you were about to get yourself involved in.

“That’s what the meeting is for, I don’t even know yet either. Just that it is of high importance to the First Order, and you were specifically asked to accompany us by the Supreme Leader himself.”

_ Oh great. Just...great. _

“I should be honored I guess,” laughing a little and rolling your eyes. Your nails dug into your thigh, a nervous reflection of your anxiety, the flesh turning red around your deep grip. The thought of the Supreme Leader assigning you to the mission was a terrifying thought, because you had  _ no idea _ what to expect. You had known upon arriving at the First Order that you would no doubt be used as a weapon of some sort, but that didn’t mean you were any more prepared for it to happen.

Hux offered a hesitant smile before opening up the blast doors and securing his hat on top of his head.

“See you at the meeting.” With that, you watched him walk out of the room, turning and marching down the hallway.

The sinking feeling in your stomach amplified as you began to think about what you would have to do.

_ Am I going to have to kill someone? Someone good?  _

Barely able to cope with the fact that you killed someone allied with the literal  _ bad  _ guys, you couldn’t imagine the amount of guilt you would feel should you be forced to make good on a mission that involved you striking down someone who was actually good.

No. You weren’t going to do this to yourself. You would find out in 0400 hours just what was required of you, and you would figure it out from there.

Letting out a heavy sigh, you got up from your bed and waltzed into the refresher, thinking that the best idea you had for now would be to freshen up and pack your things. There was no telling when you’d be able to shower next, and your three-day-hair definitely could use the wash anyway. 

Reaching into the shower, you turned the knob to a warm setting and let it rise to the temperature you wanted while you undressed, throwing your sleep shirt and shorts in the corner. Stepping onto the cold tile, you let the steam from the water encase your body.

It was the little things. The way the hot steam of a shower danced on your skin. The billions of tiny stars dotted across the night sky through the windows in the cafeteria, filling you with adventure. The feeling of metal as you clutched the dice Ben gave you, sometimes squeezing them so tightly they would leave a faint square imprint on your palm.

These little things, they grounded you. Reminded you that life was never all pain all the time, even when it may seem like that. The water cascaded down your skin as you ran the shampoo through your hair, thinking about the way it felt when you were with Ben.

His dark, soft raven hair tangling around your fingertips. His rough, yet gentle palm cupping your face as his lips grazed yours. The warmth that radiated from your chest when you were pressed up against him. The ways in which your bodies glided against each other in the ocean, suspended in the water, clinging onto each other in the heat of the moment. The ferocity with which the two of you loved each other, a love that felt like it could consume the whole galaxy.

You were thankful for the memories you did have of him. That you were able to do the things you wanted in the time you were together. You loved him, always would. The ghost of his warm embrace wrapped itself around you when you fell asleep each night. It would never be the same, but you knew he was never really gone, not in your heart.

And yet, that was all it could be. A memory. Yet, you didn’t always feel sadness when you thought of him. You felt complete. Whole. As though falling in love with him was what you always needed to do, that finding him at the Temple after he left Chandrilla was the purpose you had fulfilled, for both of you.

You reached for the handle and shut the water off as the last remnants of soap and shampoo swirled in the drain and the water dripped delicately from your body. Grabbing a towel you had hung up, you wrapped your body up and dried out your hair with the spare towel on the sink.

Though Ben was just a memory now, he was also a part of you. It was that small piece of you, tucked in the back of your mind, reminding you of your worth, of your strength. It was as though you were able to see yourself through his eyes, a view that was much more favorable than you would ever have of yourself. 

Even now, he was the best part of you. And that was why, you knew, whatever was asked of you for this mission, you would do it. You knew you had to, regardless of what the task could be. You chose this life, to spare him, what use would it be for you to be killed for not doing what was asked of you? If you were to be unsatisfactory in any way, you knew Snoke would not hesitate to resume the manipulation of Ben Solo, and that should you die, Ben would be broken and let the emotions consume him, opening up his soul to the Dark Side and ending the struggle in his mind.

With silent resolve, you exited the refresher and returned to your room, doing your best to remind yourself to stay in the moment. Right now, all you had to do was pack, and so you did. 

After swapping your damp towel with your First Order issued jumpsuit that you practically lived in, you grabbed the bag you had brought from the Temple and threw it onto the bed. Considering you had no idea what this trip was even about, it made packing that much harder. You shoved your two other First Order jumpsuits into the bag, along with a couple of your shirts, a pair of shorts, some pants and your necessary undergarments. 

Were you overpacking? Maybe, but you didn’t care. In the weirdest way, you had tricked yourself into thinking this was a kind of vacation, simply because you would be away from the base.

You figured you would have time to find out what else you might need after the meeting, so you left it at just clothes for the time being. Closing the bag, you walked to your desk and plopped down in the chair, letting it slowly spin somewhat aimlessly as you collected your thoughts.

“Oh  _ kriff,  _ I almost forgot,” You said out loud, reaching out your hand to the small drawer on the right half of your desk. Fumbling around the contents of the container, you grabbed the small trinket and held it tightly in your palm as you retrieved it out of the desk.

Unfolding your fingers, you looked at the glistening object, rolling it around in your hand a few times before tucking it into your breast pocket. You had grown accustomed to always having those dice on your person, but since your lesson with Snoke, you were too afraid for him to find them and either take them from you, or force you to connect with Ben. You had no idea how much he knew about the connection you had with Ben, and even though you had severed it, that hardly seemed like an obstacle to the Supreme Leader.

Normally you wouldn’t take the chance, and you would leave the dice in the drawer for you to come back to after your boring daily excursions. But, this was a mission. An  _ off-base _ mission. You doubted Snoke would actually be going on this adventure, imagining he preferred to just send agents of his destruction to do the dirty work for him.

While that made you riddled with disdain, scoffing at his arrogance, you were thankful he was so selfish in this moment. The knowledge that he would not bring himself to do what you assumed to be an intel mission of some sort meant you would be the only Force-Sensitive person in the whole crew that was going on this little trip. An advantage that was not lost on you.

So, the dice went into your pocket. Grabbing the data pad in front of you, you checked the time, noting that you still had 0300 hours until the meeting. Groaning, you slumped your body down in the chair. The waiting was always the worst part.

* * *

“Alright boys, escort me to the conference room please.” After three painful hours of waiting, it was finally time for the meeting. You exited through the blast door to see your ‘trooper guards, diligently standing as usual. They nodded to each other and pointed their bodies to the left.

Long gone were the days of them poking their gun in your back as they marched you through the hallways. That was thanks to you choking out that one ‘trooper, but also the fact that they must have known about your lesson. If Hux knew, there was no doubt that the gossip had spread throughout the base, especially to those stormtroopers who had the lovely task of guarding your quarters. You reveled in the thought that they were truly terrified of you, ensuring that they would rather not mess with you. 

Turn after turn, you wound your way through the ship until you finally made it to the end of a large hallway, a door the size of the whole entire wall in front of you. The ‘trooper on your right punched the keypad and the walls seemed to split open with a hiss, the white steam filling the ceiling of the hallway.

Taking a few steps inside, you saw Hux sitting at the long, sleek table, hands tightly woven together diligently in front of him on the tabletop. You weren’t exactly sure how this was supposed to work, could you just go sit next to him? 

It couldn’t hurt to try, especially since no one else was even there yet. But Hux hadn’t even turned to acknowledge your existence, he was like a completely different person in this setting. 

_ Maybe the power is getting to him…  _ you thought. But that was silly, you had seen him just hours ago. It had to be his constant need to please his superiors, which is why his red hair was always so meticulously combed back now as well.

“Uhhhh… Hux?” As though you had snapped him out of a trance, he whipped his pale face to see you standing in the doorway nervously.

“You’re early! Good. Come, sit next to me.”

Well, that answered that. Gently, you pulled out the cold metal chair, dragging your body down into the seat and gripping your hands together in your lap.

“Relax,” Hux whispered under his breath, nudging you with his elbow.

“Easy for you to say,  _ General _ ,” jokingly you sneered back at him. You didn’t have to make eye contact with him after that comment, you just knew he was rolling his eyes.

The absence of bodies in chairs made the whole room feel even more menacing, like you were on trial for something and you were waiting for the decision or something.

“How many people are supposed to be coming to this meeting?” You hoped it would be a full house honestly. Sure, that many First Order personnel in one room might have seemed scary at first, but the more people, the more peoples’ attention would be distracted and disjointed and not everyone’s focus would fall onto you.

“Just Allegiant General Pryde, and maybe the Supreme Leader,” you shuddered at the thought, but before you could tense up too much, Hux continued. “Though he probably won’t make an appearance.”

“So, just one other person? Why not more?” This was a genuine question. What kind of mission kicked off in a conference room full of three people?

A General, an  _ Allegiant  _ General (who would not even be coming on said mission, you assumed), and a captive-but-there-willingly-so-not-really-captive ex-Jedi.

What a group.

“It’s a top secret affair. Only we are going to know the ins and outs of the mission, everyone else coming will simply have to follow orders.”

Follow orders. Great. Not only were you being given orders, but you were getting them handed to you face to face on a silver platter from Pryde, who you assumed to be the superior of the military, bowing only to Snoke.

No excuses for misinterpretation on this one, that much was certain.

At the sound of hissing, Hux’s eyes flew to the door, and he almost instantaneously shot up, his hand flying to his forehead. You felt his leg kick the seat of your chair, eliciting a grunt of shock.

“Get up!” He spoke through clenched teeth, posture unmoved. Quickly, you scrambled to your feet, but you refused to put your hand in the same position as Hux. Who were you to have to bow to anyone who couldn’t  _ make  _ you bow? No. Holding yourself high with those principles, you puffed out your chest and let out a deep sigh to balance yourself.

A tall, stern man made his way through the doorframe at a fast pace once the blast doors fully opened, only acknowledging the two of you initially with a slight nod, while Hux gave him an audible, “Allegiant General Pryde, sir.” He made his way to the seat directly across from Hux, the two seats closest to the head of the table, presumably reserved for the Supreme Leader.

“Sit.” The man growled, and you didn’t hesitate to sit back down and draw in his features as he flipped through his datapad.

Older, dark hair, an obvious superiority complex about him, this Pryde was like Hux’s father on steroids. Watching as his gloved fingers swiped through information, you could sense Hux’s sudden spike in tension as well.

“General Hux, I take it this is your first mission since your promotion, yes?” Pryde’s voice was harrowing, like even if he had given a compliment it still would have sounded condescending.

“Yes, Allegiant General.” The polished answer was satisfactory, as Pryde did not remove his eyes from the datapad in front of him.

“Then let us hope you show us why you deserve to keep that position. This mission very well may be the last reconnaissance effort we shall need to snuff out the remnants of the Resistance.”

_ No… _ you panicked in your mind. How did they know  _ anything  _ about what was left of the Resistance? The Resistance has been dormant for years, they haven’t needed to do anything for a long time, you didn’t even know any Resistance factions still existed, for kriff’s sake. Did they-

_ Oh no… _ your mind cut one thought off with another, a much grimmer thought.

Han and Leia. They had to be involved. You didn’t need to hear the rest of the briefing to know that somehow, they were involved in what was left of the Resistance.

“We have reason to believe that the rebels are on D’Qar, a planet in the Outer Rim that has possibly been serving as their base since soon after the end of the Galactic War. You and your team will go and verify this information.”

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, except knowing that it wouldn’t end there and that if the Resistance  _ were _ still on D’Qar, Hux would be forced to report it and they would be doomed.

“You. The Supreme Leader’s apprentice. We will be sending you in to ascertain the relevance of these claims, and should they be true, you will terminate their leaders, who we believe to be rebels Han Solo and Leia Organa. Our men are not smart enough to outwit the princess. Only  _ you  _ can perform this part of the task.”

Frozen in your seat. Your body went rigid with dread, had you actually heard that correctly? They expected you to  _ kill _ Han and Leia? They must not have known the actual connection you had with them, that they practically helped raise you and watched over you for such a long portion of your life, otherwise how else did they expect you to “terminate” them?

Or, there was the darker thought. Snoke must have known. He must have seen it in your mind, searched for your background, that way he could know everything he needed to know about you. Of course he knew, and of course he would send you to do this. It was a test, to see how far you would go and if he could truly pull that darkness out of you, to trust you to do his bidding in the future.

“Well, girl?” Pryde’s dry, arrogant voice cut through the air, and you felt Hux’s foot tap your lightly.

“Uh, yes, yes sir.” You nodded along with your timid response in your best effort to feign compliance with the mission you had been given.

“Good. Now leave us. General, we have more to discuss.”

You let your eyes wander slightly to Hux’s face, who gave you a sly smile and nod to indicate he would be fine and you should be on your way. Robotically, you stood from the chair and made your way slowly to the blast doors, watching them open again to see your ‘troopers waiting for you.

Not a word. You did not speak a single word to them as they escorted you back to your room, which was uncharacteristic. Typically you adored being able to make fun of them or get under their skin in any way you could, but the reality of what tomorrow would bring consumed and stamped out any happiness or joy inside of you.

You wouldn’t do it. You  _ couldn’t  _ do it. Even if it weren’t for Ben, Han and Leia were like your second set of parents back on Chandrilla. There was no chance in the galaxy you would ever hurt them, and Snoke knew that.

It wasn’t as though you would be willing to kill another member of the Resistance either though. Killing that guard felt like a one time deal, and the only reason you didn’t feel deep remorse was because they were an agent of the Dark Side.  _ Never  _ would you be able to strike down someone who stood for everything you believed in, someone defending the freedom of the galaxy, standing against the totalitarian visions of an evil second empire.

Once you arrived back to your room, you walked in and collapsed onto the bed. Sitting against the headboard of your small cot, you quickly reached into your jumpsuit, desperate to feel the comfort of those cold dice in your hand to calm you down.

Turning them over and over again in your palm, your mind rifled through possibilities of what you could do.

Run away during the mission, join the Resistance? No, for several reasons. They would most certainly find you, and either kidnap you again or kill you, and even if they didn’t, Snoke would just go back to pursuing Ben. Nope.

Open up the connection with Ben and tell him and Luke? No, that would just jeopardize them as well.

Lie and say they weren’t there? While some might believe you, like Hux, Snoke would see through that lie in an instant.

You felt powerless, hopeless, unable to think of some way around this sentence. 

How in the  _ galaxy  _ would you get out of this one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a sucker for a dramatic ending i know i know.  
> the next few chapters are super important for the guts of this story, so in turn they are bit more serious and thus a bit emotionally draining (aka I've cried while writing) so please make sure you are in the right head space to enjoy them! :)  
> as always thank you for the endless support and kind comments on my little story 🤍  
> as a sidenote, if you ever want to connect off the site, you can reach out to my tiktok @missingbensolo 💙


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